I am sleepy and itchy but I am still funny!

I am in the middle of recovering from Round#2 of chemotherapy. It is complicated to sort-out which side effects can be attributed to chemotherapy vs. pain medication. There are pros and cons to every situation, so let’s do a quick chemotherapy pros and cons list.

Cons	Pros
Fatigue	Get to sleep a lot – typically wake-up around 10:30-11:00
Increased Body Aches – deep bone aches	Husband is even more attentive – well his baseline is that he spoils me already but it is even cooler now!!!
Memory Loss	Get to read beautiful cards that are being sent, filled with special memories and words of encouragement
Slight Nausea	Unlimited reflection and meditation time
Agitation	Additional quality time with my family and friends
Increased Sleep	Nurses, family, and friends willing to help make me comfortable, feeling surrounded by love, and taken care of
Loss of Appetite	Time to write letters and cards to people as I reflect on memories that I want to put on paper
Don’t get to drive my car	A clock is not necessary, as time simply does not matter – for the most part
	I get to spend quality time with my friends and family every week – super awesome fun times snuggled up on the sofa in our blankets watching a funny movie or TV show

“Oh my gosh…babe you scored” is what I hear nearly every day, after Curtis checks the street mail and/or PO Box mail; he walks in carrying a handful of letters that are all addressed to me. I LOVE IT!!!  It brings me such great joy and lifts my spirit to receive the letters everyone is sending. I cherish each written word and long to read and share more memories. I hope people do not mind me sharing some of these precious words on my blog. Please keep writing, I will continue to write back as long as I am able. Curtis took me to Hobby Lobby – my first post chemo outing, 45 minutes in length and it wiped me out! However, during my Hobby Lobby adventure, I picked up some really cool things to make the cards I write to everyone are super Jazzy! I hope you all enjoy them because I am having so much fun writing back.

Elaine Markley authored an amazingly touching piece of poetry, which was accompanied by a handwritten letter, that is now framed and displayed in my home. I want to share it with everyone – I hope Elaine does not mind.

CHRISTINA CHRISTINA

COURAGE

Facing the enemy head on

Not backing down

Troops rally around you

You are not in this alone.

BELIEVE

Miracles do happen

Being hopeful one will come your way

“She makes broken look beautiful

and strong look invincible.

She walked the Universe on her shoulders

and made it look like a pair of wings.”

SENSE OF HUMOR

Laughter is the universal medicine

Happy endorphin's flow freely

Side aches and happy tears shared with friends

Who else would ever admit they “prefer weed up their ass?”

FRIENDSHIPS

From near and far, young and old offer hope

Your warmth spills over to touch so many

No borders, no barriers, no boundaries, no strangers

Only joy to share with a special person.

MEMORIES

Fill the trunk

Share your thoughts now to be treasured forever

Capture good times, sayings, pictures

Make memories real and Christina’s wish fulfilled

Christina Christina

Always in our thoughts

Always in our hearts

Always hopeful

Your journey has made everyone you have touched

a better person

  Elaine Markley

August 5, 2015

As I visited with some friends this morning, I spoke of how neat it is that I get the opportunity to hear how I have influenced the lives of others and relive memories while I am alive. Most of us will not get this opportunity; it is typically at a funeral or celebration of life ceremony that people share these beautiful heartfelt words and memories about their loved one. However, for me, I get to hear it, read it and relive it while I am alive. This is one of the many pros of knowing that your life is winding down!

As I take a quick break from typing, to itch myself – the morphine makes me itchy, I think about how strange it is that I have cancer and that I am dying. I then quickly remind myself that I am open to miracles. It makes me sad to think about dying when I am so young; I have so much more that I want to do with my life. It too makes me sad when I catch my husband, out of the corner of my eye, looking at me with deep love as his heart breaks that he may soon be losing the woman he longed to grow old with. It hurts my heart when Curtis’ expression of sorrow is so deep that it is indescribable. I watch Jackson as he makes himself something to eat in the kitchen, and wonder if this might be the last time I get to see him do this. I tell Jackson I love you before going to bed, hanging-up the phone, or leaving the house (I have always done this will all my children) and wonder if this will be the last time he will hear those words. I watch my son Cole be defiant yet call it being independent whose verbal expression is incredibly self-centered and uncaring – thinking, this is not how I raised him to be and hoping he will step back into the giving person I raised him to be. I cling to the words of my son Carlos who called to just let me know how much he loves me and to make sure that I knew he is going to “make something” of his life. To hear him say that I have been his number one role model in his life and how much he loves me. I reflect on my son Dominic who expresses that he does not know how to even imagine me no longer being alive – that he can’t even go there, it is too painful. It is interesting to see how the people around me respond as my life is winding down. My hope is that everyone will find peace and be able to respond in love – while I am still alive. Life is a precious gift.

I have made many mistakes during this lifetime and hope that I have repaired these wrongs, learned from each experience, and grown into a better person. With gratitude, I say thank you to everyone that has touched my life in small and large ways – you have enriched this journey and I am thankful.

Please keep sending me letters and bringing me hope! My trunk is quickly filling; I may need to get a larger one before you know it! Live each moment as though it is your last. Love hard. Give freely. And SMILE more!!!

Thank you to everyone that is donating to my End of Life fundraiser - one of my desires is to stay at the beach at least one night monthly and because of the donations received thus far, I am getting ready to schedule my first August trip! 

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/rjr9/beach-trips

Today, I am hopeful~  

Opportunities to Support Christina~

As my team comes together this week to make final arrangements and assistance in the home - everything is falling into place. A fundraiser has been started to raise funds that will enable me to stay at least one night monthly at the Oregon Coast where I find the most peace.

Christina maintains that the coast is where she finds the most peace, is grounded in her thoughts, and experiences a euphoric joy. It is not simply about being at the beach, but rather "on the beach" - hearing the waves crash, sitting on the hotel balcony enjoying the ocean breeze. As Christina’s life journey continues to wind down, wouldn’t it be an amazing gift for her to stay a couple evenings each month with her feet in the sand on the beautiful Oregon Coast? Her two favorite spots are:

COHO Lodge

Address: 1635 NW Harbor Ave, Lincoln City, OR 97367

Phone:(541) 994-3684

Elizabeth Street Inn

Address: 232 SW Elizabeth St, Newport, OR 97365

Phone:(877) 265-9400

Fundraising Link:   https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/rjr9/beach-trips

Many local individuals have been sent an email link Lotsa Helping Hands where you may schedule a time to visit Christina at her home, provide a meal for the family, and offer to clean the home. 

Chemo Buddy scheduling must be done

directly through Leslie Brittell
leslie.brittell@frontier.com

The Garrett family appreciates everyone’s extension of love

Today, I am hopeful~

Pokes, chemo, and a lot of tired happening here!

I am going to keep this short, as I am exhausted from my treatment yesterday. On Wednesday, I was scheduled to have a PIC line placed – this was an epic failure and an extremely painful process that lasted 2.5 hours! In the end, there was no PIC line placed. I will say that John and Jim did a fabulous job of trying their best and being supportive. Nearing the end, I could not take the pain anymore and began to sob; Jim so sweetly handed me tissue and was gently cleaning up my bloodied arms.  The positive is that the appointment was at the coast – my two friends Leslie and Kim went with me. After the failed PIC line, we went to grab a bite to eat at Kyllo’s – thanks for the treat Les!! I appreciate my strong support system! I am so lucky.

Over lunch, I was sharing some of by ideas about how to celebrate my life and/or to remembered me after I pass. My first fabulous idea was to have my body stuffed and mounted…it could be really cool, yes a bit creepy, but let us not focus on the creepy part. The other idea was to have a large gathering on the beach around sunset. Have food and make a bonfire. When the moment is right, I would take my death with dignity pills and pass, and then a few friends could pick my body up and throw it on the fire. After the fire burns down, collect my ashes and leave them in the ocean! Fabulous idea, right?!?! Well, perhaps not, but don’t deny there is some genius within the idea. Not to worry – I am still in the planning stages!

Everyone is so important to me and I want to make sure that I have a system in place that allows me to take care of my body- resting a great deal, visiting with friends and family, and seeing individuals face to face. After only one day of chemotherapy, I am exhausted and managing the side effects as best possible. I have recruited Team Christina to assist is end of life planning and the day to day operating of my life.  I ask that everyone please remember this is a difficult time for my direct household, Curtis (husband) and Jackson (16 y/o son). I want to dedicate a large portion of my time to them as my life winds down. I too want to balance this with spending time with my close friends and family.

My team will help me get everything organized and I will keep everyone informed along the way. Although I am planning for my departure – I in NO WAY have decided to throw in the towel, just the opposite. I remain determined as ever to continue to live.

I had my first babysitter today, Krista and she was terrific. You see, Krista is a gifted writer and she brought a heart felt writing to share with me. As she read, my eyes remained closed - I could picture exactly the words and situations she spoke of. I could feel her heart through its brokenness, I could feel her heart as it gained wholeness. Krista - thank you for sharing your heart - what you wrote was absolutely perfect! I love too that you mentioned us in Dr. Bearden's classes. I too remember when I followed you into the bathroom when you left class that one day - I was drawn to your soul like a magnet. Thank you for being a part of my life. 

One of the best ways to connect with me is by USPS – snail mail!

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192 

Philomath, OR 97370

Today, I am hopeful~

Healing Energy Needed~

My goal, according to my last blog entry, was to be able to evacuate my bowels and get things moving again! I was able to do just that. Unfortunately, I am locked-up again – the struggle is real people! LOL Although it may take a bit of time, I strive to find a balance between pain medication and fiber intake.

Taking a deep breath…and here we go! The PET/CT results shows that the cancer continues to grow and is migrating across my chest. Wednesday I will be traveling over to the coast to have a PIC line placed and to see the oncologist. . The PIC line will be in my upper left arm; this is delivery system for the chemotherapy. I am getting a PIC rather than a Port, due to the migration of the cancer across my chest; having a foreign body placed in the left chest will only open my body up to increased infection When I see the oncologist on Wednesday, I plan to have him complete the MD portion of the Medical Marijuana application. I am seeking better pain control options and a cannabis oil suppository that has been proven to kill cancer cells.  Some people smoke weed, I apparently prefer to take it up the ass!

This cancer seems to be moving quickly, there are changes in affected breast tissue; the changes occurring within 24 hour time periods. I am beginning to feel a bit tired and need afternoon naps. The pain and discomfort is not too bad, but I am still trying to get a good handle on what to take, how much, and when. It is a process. I do not want to suffer! Managing my discomfort and pain is at the top of my list of things to do.

Over the past several days, I have been working on organizing my life, expressing final wishes to friends/family, processing that my life is ending, scheduling appointments, and getting my comfort team together. It is an interesting time right now. It is difficult to plan for anything beyond several hours – I so wish I had the vocabulary to describe my processing and thought process. I will say that I sure am enjoying each moment as it presents. I am grateful to rest comfortably in peace throughout this entire journey - this has been a beautiful gift. 

I want to extend a special thank you to my soul sista’s Vicki & Karri. Vicki graciously spent a majority of the day with me hanging out, talking, eating, laughing, and crying. I sure love you Vicki! Karri met Vicki and I at the house for some yummy eats and girl talk. I am such a fortunate woman to have so many amazing individuals in my life. 

THANK YOU to everyone that continues to walk this journey with me, I know it is not easy to be my friend right now, as your hearts are breaking for me. Let us all enjoy each moment. Channel thoughts and prayers for my body to heal. Send peaceful, accepting, and healing energy to my family, this is beyond difficult for my darling husband Curtis and my kiddos.

Please uplift me, give me strength, encouragement, laughter, hope, and peace by filling my mailbox daily with your memories. Getting mail the old school way is super cool!

My mailing address:

PO Box 192 

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Today, I am hopeful~

It feels like 2011 all over again…but worse

It is difficult to wrap my mind around the resurgence of this cancer and this time, it looks like it is the last and final round. I have always known that this diagnosis takes most women within 5 years of diagnosis; I have lost friends to cancer during this time. July 11, 2015 was the 4 year mark for me, so although I am surprised on some level, it was expected.

Thanks for carrying my handbag Jacks!

In case you had not heard, I graduated from my graduate school program May of this year with a 4.0 GPA, Clinical Mental Health Counseling! I did not let this cancer slow me down; I just kept on going. Following graduation, I was blessed with a wonderful position working at Sacred Heart Hospital. I resigned my position last week after learning the cancer has returned. My time there may have been short but it was a rich experience. I had the pleasure of working alongside coworkers that share a passion for making a difference in the lives of individuals. Friendships quickly formed and my support system grew. I have many memories I take away from my time at Sacred Heart. I am going to miss being a part of a terrific team and impacting the lives of patients.

This is an interesting time. My goal is to not be in pain and to delay or prevent the cancer that is presenting within the tissue of my breast, and the growing breast tumors from ulcerating – opening up into a wound that will not be able to close and heal. I am currently taking a daily dose of morphine to reduce pain and have access to short acting morphine to address break through pain. I am exploring cannabis oil options as well. The CT/PET scan is scheduled for Monday, I am hopeful the cancer has not spread to other areas in my body, that will simply add to the complexities of my situation and most certainly cause additional unwanted suffering. After the scan, I will be meeting with my treatment team and putting additional palliative care measures in place that will include weekly chemotherapy sessions. I will do this regiment until my body can not take it anymore, when organs begin shutting down.

My goal today is to get my bowels moving!! Thanks to the morphine, I have not been able to drop a deuce  since Tuesday…it is Saturday! Me speaking of this reminds me of a patient that was offering a vivid description of his “days of being locked-up” and how he finally was able to shit out what looked like a can of SPAM. Well I hope that doesn’t happen to me, the can of SPAM that is, I do want to be in daily drop a deuce club again.

I want to thank everyone that is offering supportive encouraging words. There are many offers of direct support, which lead me to think of some ways my family and friends could encourage me as my life is winding down. I want to create trunk of memories that I will get to enjoy while I am alive and can be passed to my children and husband.

BELIEVE – send positive thoughts, energy, and pray that my body will heal itself.

SHARE – write down stories and memories that we shared or ways I impacted your life and mail them to me.

CAPTURE – if you have photos of us together or photos/sayings that remind you of me or time we spent together, mail them to me.

Please uplift me, give me strength, encouragement, laughter, hope, and peace by filling my mailbox daily with your memories. Getting mail the old school way is super cool! *Send an email for my street address if you would prefer to send letters to my house. 

My address is: 

PO Box 192 

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Today I am hopeful~ 

A Tale of Two Anthems

We all have many sides that make-up the whole the person that we have each are – it is constantly in motion. My iTunes play list is as eclectic as the theoretical counseling approaches that I claim. I like it, it reads authentically who I am. You know when a tune gets caught in your head; you sing it or replay it over and over again? Takes a while to get old. My two tunes, two anthems, are Fire and Pop, Lock, & Drop It – if you are familiar with these two tunes, you surely will be rolling in laughter.

FIRE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbbYPqgSe-M

Oh if there's one thing to be taught

It's dreams are made to be caught

And friends can never be bought

Doesn't matter how long it's been

I know you'll always jump in

'Cause we don't know how to quit

Let's start a riot tonight

A pack of lions tonight

In this world, he who stops, won't get anything he wants

Play like the top one percent

Til nothing's left to be spent

Take it all, ours to take, celebrate because

We are the champions

Setting it off again

Oh we on fire

We on fire

Running our own campaign

Doing the whole shebang

Oh we on fire

We on fire

Get up, stand up, throw your hands up

Welcome to the other land of

Dreamers brothers sisters others

Yeah we on fire like that

Oh the bond is deeper than skin

The kind of club that we're in

The kind of love that we give

Oh ever since the dawn of mankind

We all belong to a tribe

It's good to know this one's mine

Let's start a riot tonight

A pack of lions tonight

In this world, he who stops, won't get anything he wants

Play like the top one percent

Til nothing's left to be spent

We don't care, we won't stop, call your mothers, call the cops

We are the champions

Setting it off again

Oh we on fire

We on fire

Running our own campaign

Doing the whole shebang

Oh we on fire

We on fire

Get up, stand up, throw your hands up

Welcome to the other land of

Dreamers brothers sisters others

Yeah we on fire like that

Ohh (fire, fire)

Ooooh (fire, fire)

And nothing's gonna be the same (fire fire, fire fire, fire fire)

Oh! We're the champions

We are the champions

Setting it off again

Oh we on fire

We on fire

Running our own campaign

Doing the whole shebang

Oh we on fire

We on fire

I would include the lyrics to Pop, Lock, & Drop it…but quite frankly I don’t understand the words! What I relish in is the beat – I feel a little thug gangster life, it speaks to the inner jagged edges I love without boundaries.  What is it then about Fire – awe, the words, the beat, the essence of what the song embodies.

Over the past several months, I have been creating forever memories with my friends and family.  I must be doing something right to be surrounded with an amazing eclectic group of people that love me. I have been wanting to write something profound on my blog yet I have been at a loss as to what to share and what not to share. I realize that you can only share pieces of yourself publicly, there are consequences professionally and a touch personally when choosing true transparency. I see that I am filter myself – from everyone, this is not necessarily a bad thing though. I am choosing to speak of only that which serves me well.

Understandably, there are questions about my health and how I am doing. The answer to this is complicated yet simplistic. We are painfully aware of the statistics; they are sitting in my peripheral all the time. The bi-lateral mastectomy kicked off a firestorm within my body and made things astronomically worse. Trust and believe, when great fortune crosses my path, I will speak of it often and loudly sharing the news. For now, I ask for everyone to deeply believe, with every piece of you, that health will be restored to my body – a miracle. 

A couple weeks ago I got my second tattoo; it is of a lotus flower. As with my first, there is rich meaning behind the symbolism of the tattoo. The lotus flower grows in muddy bogs and yet when it blooms, there is this lovely delicate mud free flower that emerges. The lotus flower, to me, represents hope; that despite the challenges I am facing, I will emerge mud free and in full bloom.

I believe I will attain health.

I visualize myself healthy.

I can feel health.

What I am really excited about is May 1, 2015!!! I will be graduating with my Master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I am beyond eager to see where this new journey will take me. I will be setting up a small private practice in Salem and seeking employment with an agency. I am gladly accepting referrals!

Today, I am hopeful~

Processing needs time…

Since the bilateral mastectomy, I have been processing life; relationships, health, human behavior, emotions, interpersonal schemas, and much more. I have not been trying to mentally organize rather I have been allowing each theme, event, and emotion to simply present, move through me, and then release; this has been difficult at times and remains a challenge.

The surgery process, what I can recall of it, could be framed two ways, positive and negative. It began on the day prior to surgery while engaging in the hospital intake process. The intake woman misspoke on several occasions as she referred to my procedure as “cosmetic’; I felt compelled to correct her, I was having a bilateral mastectomy due to an aggressive breast cancer, far from a super awesome cosmetic procedure. That was frustrating. The morning of the procedure the IV insertion process was fraught with pain, anxiety, and chaos. After three failed attempts, I stated I wanted my husband to come back with me to offer support and that I was about to have a panic attack - I needed a Xanax. Finally they produced my husband, who had my Xanax, next the staff brought out an ultrasound machine to find a vein – WTF, I know! Two additional pokes later and the IV was finally in. What occurred after the IV was placed, I really do not recall; it seems the staff power loaded me with, let’s leave this behind us, medication at that point.

Well, it was done; I awoke in a hospital room. The breasts were gone and it was time to get this body healing. My dutiful husband was beside me throughout my recovery; I recall he appeared stunned at times. Looking into his eyes I could see his mind as he watched me navigate the pain, frustration with doctors not following through on pain medications as discussed extensively, his deep sense of…I don’t want my wife to die, this has to be the thing that fixes this mess. It was and still remains heart wrenching to look into the eyes of those that love me, especially my husband – I see through the masked feelings, I physically experience the heart break, and I see the concern. I stayed in the hospital one night and that was enough for me. When I arrived to my brother’s house in Texas, where I would be recovering for a couple weeks, I was stunned to see the aftermath of the surgical process. This is where anger seeps in; although I was unaware of the depths of destruction that were really left at that time. One breast was removed by way of a vertical incision while the other was horizontal. It was a mess! I had two drain tubes emerging from each side of my body. The tubes where removed in waves, in the days to follow, and hurt like a bitch when they were removed. Lengthy tubes twirled up inside my body where my breasts once rested– like 15 inches of tubing. One tube remained for quite some time and was removed after returning to Oregon. The recovery was okay – I was left impacted from the anesthesia, from a memory perspective, this I consider a gift from the Devine. Three weeks post-surgery, I was back at school and internship – ready to move forward.

A little over a month post-surgery, I went to have my tumor marker counts tested; completely expecting them to be back within normal range. This was not the case. The tumor makers, which I have tracked going on four years now, were 800% higher than when I was originally diagnosed; my heart sank. My first thought was what the fuck? There clearly has been a mix-up, this is not right. But it was right. Since my diagnosis in 2011, I have chosen not to participate in PET/CT scans, until the lab work indicated a serious issue. The PET/CT appointment was set and two of my dear friends traveled with me, over to the Oregon Coast, to the appointment. My husband was out of the state on business – I told him to go as staying for a test would not change the outcome. The test procedure went well and my two friends and I celebrated the test being over as we channeled a positive outcome over food, beverage, and endless laughter.

My friend Kim gave me this beautiful print;the artist, Kelly Rae Roberts,
signed the print and wrote a touching message on the back. 

As we drove home, the conversation was light and laughter was what was on tap! Then my phone rang, my friend pulled over to the side of the road, it was the oncologist calling with the results. I braced myself. When I heard the doctor’s voice, I knew it was not good news – I could feel his energy. I learned that the cancer had come back and was large and in charge, including deciding to settle into my chest wall. While I am listening, all of a sudden a state trooper comes along side our car, rolls down the window, and asks if everything was okay. My friend explained I was taking a call from my doctor and he drove away. I wanted to scream in response to the officer, no everything is not okay, this fucking cancer has come back again; but I was speechless. Tears where coming down my cheeks. I felt defeated. Broken. Angry. Frustrated. Unsettled. I hung up the phone and told my friends I had to get out of here. I jumped out of the car. Well, I must have been quite a site! It is mist/raining and here I am on the side of the road in high healed black boots, crazy black and white leggings, a bright pink sweater, and on my phone walking around crying! I was talking to my husband. He was out of town and on his way to my brother’s house in Texas for dinner – thankfully. I erupted and told my husband the findings, I was crying uncontrollably and saying, I don’t know what to do! I abruptly hung up noting that I was getting wet from the rain and that we will just keep on roll’n with it. I got back in the car and started to process the latest cancer news. I text my brother to please help my husband, noting, I just received the results.

I wanted to scream…but I could not. I think I hit the interior of my friends car a few times, lots of fuck this fuck that, and my biggest verbal contemptuous expression – for ALL those people that think if you have breast cancer and you remove your breasts that the issue is gone…it is a systemic issue people, it is still here! After processing for about 15 minutes, I sent my husband a text to check on him. He responded by saying that he was coming home in the morning. I called him on the phone and exclaimed, I am fine, you coming home is not going to change anything plus, I have a full case of clients I am seeing tomorrow. You will be coming home to nothing! LOL!!! When I got off the phone, my friends were laughing, about the “you will be coming home to nothing”…perfect timing to add levity. He was able to undo his early trip home and life continued. The next day, I was sitting in session with clients and managed to hold my own pain, fear, and anxiety.

So, here I am today – December 13, 2014. What is next you ask? Well, my options are to continue doing what I am doing – utilizing alternative remedies to bring my body into balance. I have adjusted my regiment to include a host of supportive essential oil supplement from doTerra – a huge thanks to my mom and day for financially supporting two months of the supplements!! Being healthy is an expensive adventure. I went on a three week juicing adventure to cleanse my body and give it a chance to begin to heal. The highlight of my day during this process was when I could eat a hardboiled egg – I don’t even like eggs but I tell you what, they taste fucking fantastic when consuming primarily juiced vegetables. My new bedtime is typically 8:30-9:00pm, my body is tired and needs rest. I am experiencing increased fatigue as the week’s progress, I know this is not a good sign. Nevertheless, I move forward. As I write this, I am wearing the F*ck Cancer t-shirt my friend gave me – pretty much is representing my truth right now. Not going to let this cancer thing get in the way of living; nope, it is just not going to happen.

My two friends Karri and Rachael, during
a counseling training a the Oregon Coast. 

Next steps, to continue living. The cancer, has allowed me to see the world through a different lens. It too has softened my heart and crumbled the walls that surrounded me for far too long. I live a bit differently now. I love a lot harder. I have fun more often. I laugh a lot. I don’t take myself so serious. I am still me, it is just that I have polished a few more of those jagged edges. When I consider the biggest changes in my life, it would be actively pursuing friendships. I have allowed my heart to be open to receiving and inviting others in. At times, this vulnerability is difficult and may end painfully, yet I am willing to continue to go there. “My GFU” [George Fox University Graduate School] peeps have been a strong support system and many close life-long friendships have been cultivate. I love this life. I love this season that I am in. I want it to continue. I am so ready to kick cancer’s ass!

Today, I am hopeful~

Let’s do this…

Anxiety is high as I head to Texas for surgery - double mastectomy, Friday morning at 7:00am Texas time, I will be in surgery for approximately seven hours – please keep my family in your thoughts. I remain hopeful. My husband reminded me of all the wonderful things I have accomplished during this lifetime – this is the legacy I always hoped to leave behind. Knowing that I have lived a fulfilled life, is freeing. It has been filled with triumphs and pitfalls yet here I stand – a fulfilled individual. Thank you to everyone that has touched my life. I am fortunate to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family that understand and love me just as I am; the jagged and polished parts. Please send peaceful healing thoughts and prayers to my family and myself. I am hopeful this radical surgery will give me chance to continue living a quality life during this lifetime and making a difference.

Please spread the word that my family is raising money to pay for treatment and travel costs. Many thanks in advance for your generosity and for supporting my health and healing; every dollar counts! 

                                        Click Here --------------> Dismiss Defeat Fundraiser

This is my little doggie Junior that is incredibly therapeutic. Love my little guy~ he makes me smile!

Today, I am hopeful.

Not everything will be bigger in Texas...

Things are quickly moving, reminds me of July 2011; unfortunately this cancer “thing” is gaining momentum. This year began with finding a new breast mass in January, removal in March, new breast masses discovered in August, removal in August, and finally learning the tumor removal was not successful according to pathology. It is a bunch of doom and gloom type of findings; not obtaining clear margins and cells indicative of further spreading of cancer to parts unknown.

I want to quickly spotlight a local Corvallis reconstructive breast surgeon that refused me surgical services because “he read your blog”. Yes, I did in fact write about Dr. Kevin Day and the consultation I had with him in a previous blog posting, however, I did not “name” him – perhaps he was deeply impacted that his name was not attached. The posting, if I do say so myself, was quite brilliant! So, here is a shout-out to you, Doctor Kevin Day – I hope you enjoy my blog. Please know that your bitchassness has not been lost on me or others. (spotlight turned off).

I returned from a trip to Houston to consult with my team of doctors; it was a fantastic visit. I have decided to move forward with surgical intervention and have both breasts removed (bilateral mastectomy). This was not too difficult of a choice, although not the preferred one. To me, this is not much different from when my hair fell out following chemotherapy. It did not bother me that much, I actually fancied myself bald – I mean, I looked really good!  For me it is not about losing my breasts, it is about the surgery interrupting my life. I have been processing, reframing, and rearranging my priorities. My health will come first, even though. I did not attempt to schedule my surgery around school or internship – I simply scheduled the first available appointment time. I trust everything else will fall into place; it may look a bit different than I envision, and this is okay.

I will return to Texas for surgery, stay in the hospital for a couple days, and will remain in Texas for about 2-weeks until I am able to travel back to Oregon to complete my recovery. It is a big surgery. There is risk to do the surgery. There is risk in not doing the surgery. My hope is that if the vulnerable breast tissue is removed, then my body will be successful in systemically balancing itself and I can declare – DIS-EASE FREE BODY!

I have many fantastical stories from my visit – I may share later when I have more energy. Let me give a little teaser- While visiting Dr. P, the reconstructive surgeon I explained that I did not mind if my breasts were reduced down to little tiny A cups (with implants filling the pocket where breast tissue once sat). He expressed “well, I want to make sure you get dates” encouraging me he could use expanders and make my breasts larger than an A cup. I laughed and replied, “I am married, and what is really important is that I have a vagina- and I am good in that department!”

I have a short time to make arrangements for my upcoming surgery followed by several recovery weeks. The love and support that blankets my family is beautiful, thank you. If you are able to financially contribute to travel and treatment expenses, please click on the link below or via mail:

Click to support: 

Dismiss Defeat Fundraiser 

OR

Mailing Address:

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192 

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Thank you for believing in me and supporting my health and healing efforts.

Today, I am hopeful~

Clinging to hope...

I met my new oncologist after my favorite oncologist Dr. Kenyon retired. This meeting happened to occur on Dr. G’s first day at his new practice and I was his first patient. I overheard the nurse inform Dr. G that I do not wear examination gowns, “she said she just brings them out”. Dr. G introduced himself – I let him know that I was Dr. Kenyon’s favorite patient – he nervously laughed. As he listened to my heart with his stethoscope, I noticed his hands were shaking; I had not even revealed my breasts yet! He let me know that he perhaps consumed too much coffee and it was his first day. I really liked this doctor – he was a “regular” person, helpful, compassionate, and respectful. The office gal Suzy – is a dream too! She was able to coordinate the diagnostic bi-lateral breast ultrasound with a radiologist I saw earlier this year. After leaving Dr. G’s Newport office, I traveled up the coast to Lincoln City where the radiologist happened to be for the day.

I was looking forward to planting my feet in the sand, getting grounded, and finding some peace. As I drove up the coast, between Newport and Lincoln City, I pulled over to the side of the road where I could gain beach access. Awe…it was divine! The beach always reminds me of my Grandpa LeGall; I replayed memorable moments, as though I were watching a movie. I can hear my grandpas voice “you have such an eagle eye!” my face lights with great joy. I look at footprints in the sand and am reminded of the many prints left of mine in comparison to his great strides. I say this often, nevertheless, I will say it again…I love the Oregon Coast!

Arriving in Lincoln City for the ultrasound appointment, I felt peaceful, grounded, and ready to hear the news. I checked in and took a seat. Understand, I wanted to be wrong. I wanted this mass I felt to be scar tissue or something else, just not a new cancer tumor. Unfortunately, I was not. The radiologist confirmed that what I was feeling was a cancerous mass – in fact, it has a little buddy floating around with it. The larger mass measures slightly greater than the one removed in March 2014; the little buddy is a slight little thing. Exhale. Breathe in. Exhale. Yep, it is kind of like that. What are my thoughts? During the ultrasound, I watched the screen, it was undeniable when the cancer tumor emerged; this is a vision concreted into the memory forever. When I saw it literally emerge from the light grey colored cloud, I thought shit, this is not good. I then thought I really need to get this implant out; the breast tissue is clearly rejecting its invasion. Next, I thought about recovery time and school. Then the biggy came – the dark thought of the day, has this cancer spread – I mean can it be stopped or is this how it is going to be? I am not shocked nor am I surprised. I am frustrated. As of this moment, 4:37pm on Monday, I have yet to shed a tear. There is anxiety and “something” going on, I am unable to put words to it at this moment. It makes sense to me – this is all that matters.

I went from learning the cancer had returned, to shifting gears and attending class tonight. When I arrived at school, my classmate Vicki, greeted me with a hug – tears welled for a moment. I felt as though she could sense my utter disappointment and the wind being knocked out of me. What followed was a “cancer story” from another individual that joined the conversation. As Vicki and I walked away, I told her “I don’t know if I can take another fucking story like that anymore!” Real Talk: there really are some things that may be better left unsaid to those going through a serious illness. I have held my tongue for three years – until now. I will first say that I understand often individuals offer statements and sayings they find comfort in hearing. These range from the following:

1. Everything happens for a reason

2. God never gives us more than we can handle

3. Everything will be okay

4. You have this beat

…these are some of the sayings often offered. Admittedly, I am rebuffed by no less than two says listed above however; I understand that these offerings quell anxiety and bring comfort to the one delivering the message. I accept all these graciously. Then there are those delivering “cancer stories” that typically have a great suffering or death ending. These are not helpful. Actually, I find most unsolicited cancer stories to be rather dismissive and insensitive as they rarely meet my needs or address my expressed emotions. My husband and I were discussing how often individuals offer these delightful “cancer stories” and he made a good point. He mentioned you know, when we talk about our son Carlos being in the Army, we don’t hear “oh my gosh, um yes, my uncle was in the military and he was horribly injured and then he ended up dying.” Yet when it comes to cancer – so many want to offer “cancer stories”. Therapeutically, I can see their goal is to somehow connect, yet it is missing the mark completely.

I received several messages today asking, “What is next” or “what are you going to do” and various other combinations. I want to acknowledge the few that offered comforting words without a bunch of questions. Imagine you just learned that cancer has returned a third time; a matter of months following tumor removal along with knowing the cancer had metastasized? What would you do? How would a decision be made? Would you be armed with all the information to make an informed decision? As you can fathom, there are many questions, not complete information, and a need for time to process. Due to the aggressive nature of this cancer, time is of the essence. I made an appointment with a local surgeon; I have an appointment next week. There are many things to consider.

Despite all the various thoughts twirling in my head, there are bright spots. The first being that I found the mass. There would have not been an “annual” breast screening if I had not found the mass; I would have most likely lost my life before I made it to March 2015. I now have a chance to intervene and perhaps change the course. The second is I have a new team of local doctors that present as supportive, respectful, and compassionate.

For now, I am gathering information, processing, and planning; it is the darker side of this thing called cancer. I am feeling a bit defeated, as though this lifetime is slipping away. It is a strange and humbling feeling that weighs heavy on my heart.

Today, I am hopeful~

Growth, Suffering, Death, Loss, Pain, and Peace

Graduated school summer session 1ended with a triumphant finale; summer session 2 enters with gusto! Graduate school is littered with growth opportunities and increased self-awareness. Internship launched me into the “I am a therapist” mode. I am honored to join clients in their journey of healing; I am amazed each day by the vast expression of resiliency that the human spirit embodies. The layers of trauma, suffering, and what I refer to as the inevitable “spin cycle” of life, that weighs heavily on some of the most vulnerable populations, is extraordinary. The desire to improve balance, connection, and adaptive responses is awe-inspiring.

Recently I lost two important individuals in my life, both within days of each other. The first was my beautiful grandmother, Dorothy LeGall. My childhood home was nestled behind the home of my Grandma and Grandpa LeGall; this provided opportunities for daily contact, interaction, and connection. My grandma and I were incredibly close; she always seemed to know the right things to say and expressed loving me, just as I am – no matter what. The day prior to her passing, I spent several hours with her. I cried, laughed, reminisced, expressed my love, and gently whispered to her, it is time to go be with Grandpa. I was touched to learn that my grandma’s gold wedding ring, she faithfully wore, was being passed onto me. My wedding ring now sits atop her modest gold ring – I sense that she is with me. On the day of my grandma’s passing, I learned a beloved uncle – Jim Hampton, on my husband’s side of the family, was in the intensive care unit in a coma. I was with him as he took his last breathe. What an honor is was, to be in the presence of a dear loved one, as he transitioned from this lifetime. I witnessed the end of his suffering; I know he now rests in the gentle grip of peace, compassion, and endless joy. He was a man of great faith with a servant’s heart; he too was filled with happiness, was a fabulous desert chef, and personified patience. I will miss my uncle and my beautiful grandma.

In the midst of these events, I was processing the idea of my own mortality. I was watching and listening closely to the reactions, thoughts, pain, and words of the many friends and family that surrounded my grandma and uncle. It was beyond surreal for me; often I took on the role of the casual observer as I walked among the sorrow. I asked myself, is this what my passing will look like on the face of my friends and family. It was tough. I know for certain that I do not want to suffer nor do I want my loved ones to feel the pain of witnessing me suffer. I understand that hospice is a beautiful and angelic organization however, when it is clear that I am dying, I do not want to linger or be made comfortable, – I want to pass with my dignity in tact absent suffering.

I enjoy observing human behavior, reactions, responses, and expression of feelings; I find it quite fascinating. The commonality found within each, is the longing for acceptance and a feeling of connectedness with others. The expression of connection and acceptance is sought in adaptive and maladaptive ways. Lately, I have by awe struck by maladaptive expressions; these rest heavy on my heart. The two that come to mind are the “step on someone’s neck” to falsely build confidence and connection. The second is “joining forces against another”; this is where negativity is a driving force with a twist of passive aggressiveness toward another. There was a time when being on the receiving end of these types of behavior would evoke an equally maladaptive response and leave me feeling worthless, uncertain, and lonely. That time has long since passed. To those of you that this is resonating with - it may be worth considering, stopping and holding the eye roll, the snarky comment, and verbal assault. When these feelings arise, ask yourself – why am I responding so harshly, defensively, emotionally, or negatively to this individual. The interpersonal conflict is exposed by the interactions with others yet the answer will be found within you. It is unnecessary to hurt, mock, or condemn others. This is not to say that I am without flaw - I too have moments when I falter and fall into these maladaptive response and reactions – my aim is to quickly repair and offer an extension of compassion.

What I like about myself is that I am perfectly imperfect; I am not trying to be the perfect mom, wife, daughter, auntie, sister, friend, therapist, student, or citizen rather in each moment, I strive to do well. I love that I embrace the fantastic pieces of me and equally embrace the rough jagged edges of me. I see my strengths and I see my areas that are in progress – both are beautiful parts of me. I like to play a game whereby, without thinking, “say the first 3 words that describe me”. The three words, at this moment that describe me (according to me): compassionate, laughter-filled, and determined.  

It is my determination, laughter, and compassion that will in part, allow me to sustain peace. In the late evening hours of July 27, 2014, I felt another mass in my breast – the breast that cancer has been removed from two times previous. I was devastated. I sobbed as my body folded under the weight of my emotional pain. I struggled to catch my breath, to find center, and feel peace. I retreated outside, to be alone and sit with my pain. I sobbed. I am an ugly crier – I cannot talk when crying and I quickly look a hot mess…and that is okay. I gazed into the darkened starlit sky. This was painful. It gets more painful each time cancer decides to show-up. At times, I was experiencing the beginning stages of a panic attack, teeth chattering, breathing out of rhythm, and heart racing. Then it stopped. I started processing where this pain was coming from – I knew it was deeper than the cancer. Always go deeper. I want a break; to be cut some slack this is unjust in many ways. The core of who I am is to stand beside those considered “the underdog” the recipients of unjust circumstances or situations. It is not about fairness – it is about justice. What does this all mean – oh hell, I am not completely sure! I have a working theory; it is unjust that my adopted son be left without his mother. It is unjust that all my children that have passed through my house and left an impression on my heart, be left without there “white mama” as my Texas boys would say. It is unjust that my husband searched for 35+ years to find his life-long companion and that he be left without his wife. It is unjust that my friends, family, and clients be left with a hole in their hearts. It is unjust that my journey during this lifetime may end before I have had the opportunity to fully experience personal growth, aspirations, grow old with my husband, and support others toward healing.

Then there is another way of looking at my journey. It is because of my journey that I am able to fulfill a majority of my heart desires. I want to live. I do not want this life to end so soon. I believe in miracles – I am open to receiving my healing miracle. Healing ones physical or emotional brokenness is not predicated upon “being more faithful” or believing “deeper” in a higher power. To believe this, is to believe that your higher power is punishing. God, the Devine, and the Universe – these entities offer grace, love, and light.

Today, I am hopeful~