So it is done~

Christina, Joan, and Jody~

Joan & Jody my RN Angels!

But not over! Today, I have completed two full cycles of chemotherapy – 6 sessions. Although I was dreading today’s treatment, it went as planned. I have been blessed with oncology RN’s that are a kick in the pants and make getting chemo-infusions so much better; my two RN Angels are Joan and Jody. I love and appreciate these two women – they both have a wonderful sense of humor, at times I observe interactions between them that are so silly it could be featured on an up and coming sitcom! Joan presents as the alpha nurse – she is definitely in charge during my sessions – with Jody being her dutiful spunky sidekick. My infusions are not always easy since I do not have a port or pic line for the RNs to just plug into. It takes master level skills to get a good IV going without needing a pain reliever shot prior to IV entry. My gals Joan and Jody are so fantastic at IV placement; I can pass on the extra poke forgoing the numbing medication. It makes all the difference when you have outstanding RN’s taking care of me!!

This past week has been a bumpy road – it started off really really rough and ended quit pleasant. One great thing about chemo-brain is that you forget things all the time. In reflection, I know the first part of the week – since the last chemo session included Friday night fever. I remember that I was so fatigued on Sunday that I canceled a visit with a friend. I too recall that on Monday, after acupuncture, I was so fatigued that I was seriously considering using a wheelchair while at Hobby Lobby. Instead, I cleared sitting spots along the way by rearranging Hobby Lobby displays to accommodate my butt for sitting. I was just so grateful that my Acupuncture Buddy, Vicki, was willing to take me to the Hobby Lobby after acupuncture – I needed more cools stuff to keep writing back to my friends and family.

When I awoke Tuesday morning, I felt a little piece of my spunky self a couple times. I was not feeling as fatigued, although still a bit nauseous. I was thinking how cool it was that I was feeling a little bit alive again after feeling like shit for the 2 months. Then there was Wednesday – Oh my, I felt good again. Yes, my body continued to ache, especially my hips, knees, and ankles but I felt well enough to take a shower and Curtis and I went to McGraths to get a little bit to eat during happy hour. This was a big deal because I have been virtually homebound for the past two months! McGraths was our typical spot – we used to go there a couple times a week for date night. When we came in, after not being in for a couple months, our regular bar tenders, both did a triple take when they saw me – you know, my sexy baldhead! They were both so kind and we all agreed it had been far too long since we last saw each other! For Curtis and me, we were finally experience “normal” for about an hour, it was nice. I miss the little things –

Christina's 6th Chemotherapy Session

I feel as though my crying spells are not as often and I am regaining some footing again. Yes, I am still sad that this cancer continues to hold on – but I am trying to focus my energy on getting well and saying a big huge Fuck You to the statistics and reports that I am terminal. I have much more to do and remain determined to continue living a life that is positive, filled with love, authenticity, strength, and determination. I am finding strength from many places – a place that consistently lifts my spirits is the letters and card that are being delivered to my mailbox daily. I absolutely love writing back and forth. I may not recall what I write – but that is what makes it even more special. There are times when my tears are left on the paper of the letters I write, and this is okay. There are times when I forget words in sentences, repeat myself, go off on strange rants, share the depths of my pain, and when I am leaving a whole lot of real talk on the paper. I appreciate everyone that is writing and sharing with me – this is so therapeutic, it seems like on both sides. Thank you for accepting my writing, my pain, my silliness, my words, just as they are. I hope that my words touch your heart as your words touch mine.

I want to tell everyone how lucky I am to have a devoted spouse, Curtis. He takes care of me as though I am a queen – I love it! He makes me breakfast, he has taken over a majority of the domesticated duties I typically do. He takes care of me without complaining – he loves me deeply and I can feel it during any interaction he and I have. I am lucky. Do you know there are a large percentage of men that leave their wives when the wife is diagnosed with a chronic or terminal illness? Well not my sweet Curtis; He loves me even more – I am so lucky! I love him forever.

It is not often that you find individuals that give of themselves, without expectation of something in return. For example, Mandi Schwendiman with Albany Acupuncture (Albany, Oregon) has been treating me weekly without expectation, for many months, because she cares about me and is with me on this journey. Similarly, Rita Baxter with Shamana Massage (Eugene, Oregon) came to my home this week to do an in-home massage. Rita then offered to travel to my home weekly to provide a massage to me, without expectation. I am filled with gratitude that these two women are using their healing gifts to make me more comfortable, without charging a fee. If you feel inclined to offer monetary assistance, to Rita who will be traveling from Eugene weekly or Mandi,  I encourage you to offer a heart donate in their name and mail it to my address and I will pass it along to them. Or contact them directly.

Albany Acupuncture Clinic
Mandi Schwendiman
(541) 928-2171
 

                                                                                                 

Rita Baxter
Shamana Massage
Phone:(541) 689-0918

I am surrounded by so many that individuals that love me – I am a lucky lady. I feel as though I am finally getting back to my better positive self. Even though it is rough right now, I know I can continue to Thrive despite all these speed bumps because I am surrounded by so many that believe in me. Please keep writing those letters and encouraging me – it truly makes a huge difference to my spirit.

Please keep sending letters to:

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Please support our fundraising efforts:

http://www.gofundme.com/christinagarrett

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/tk5b/christina-s-end-of-life-wishes

Today, I am hopeful~

Cry Christina Cry Day~

Yesterday, I was home alone for the first time in a very long time; Curtis was at work and Jackson at school. For a majority of the day, I cried. No seriously, I cried most of the day. I cried about everything that was on my heart. I cried because I was sad, unhappy, feeling helpless and hopeless. I was fatigued like never before, body ached beyond words – deep bone aches. It was painful to think about my life and imagine what the next steps were; they all seemed to be leaning in a downward direction of grave discomfort. I was sad and for whatever reason could not find my footing to support myself to get beyond this painful and hurtful space I was in. This chemotherapy treatment of three weeks on, one week off is not sustainable for much longer – I state this as I am in the middle of cycle 2 infusion 2. I have not cried so hard nor felt the depth of pain that arose as I cried. Crying is one way to literally refresh oneself – It can be seen as a way to off load unnecessary burden that is weighting one down. Yesterday was a dark day for me. I felt paralyzed in my pain. I was not sure how to become unstuck. I reached out to a few individuals, via text, to share my current condition. I am not sure what I was hoping in reply other than to validate my feelings assuring me this was totally normal.

When Curtis arrived home from work, he walked in to see a sad wifey curled up on the sofa. My husband loves me so much, it is amazing. We both talked and cried together – then we moved forward. This morning, my husband made me the most thoughtful wall hanging, brought me breakfast in bed, and cleaned the house! See – I have an AWESOME husband. I love you Curtis and know that I could not be walking this journey the way I am without you by my side; you are my strength, biggest fan, and love me deeply.

I have four brothers, 1 older the rest younger. This illness I carry, breaks my brothers’ hearts. As adults, they have developed soft tender souls and spirits – especially for their sister. I like to tease them – “you are all just a bunch of pussies!” Walking this journey of cancer for over four years, some of my brothers have difficulty even looking me in the eye, because they begin to cry – they love me and cannot imagine this is really happening. My oldest brother David is perhaps the worst offender. Very little eye contact or the tears will begin to flow. I find this quite lovely and it touches my heart in a special place. Well, yesterday as I established Cry Christina Cry day – I send David a text. Now keep in mind, he and I rarely directly communicate, it is typically through his wife, so this was special. I poured out my broken heart to him and waited for a response. I am not sure why I chose him, but I followed my intuition. Below is what he wrote back:

From: David

To: Christina

To It hurts my heart you are feeling weak and broken. Not so much the feeling the physical side of things but the mental and emotional part. At this point short of praying I don't think there's much i can do to impact anything physical. As far as the mental part goes I have a better chance....maybe. I fully acknowledge my experiences on which I base my thoughts pale in comparison to what you are dealing with. These are more like principles I guess. Hopefully they'll extrapolate into something useful for you. It's always hardest when we feel alone to try and be optimistic. Then The discouragement sets in  which uses up all our mental resources so instead of focusing on the things that can bring us peace we get into a spiral of doom. Frankly as you have battled this fucking disease I have focused praying for you and your family to have peace. Maybe it's because of the  things I'm exposed to at work, maybe it's because of my level of faith that God has a plan for us that we sometimes can't understand. I know more than anything else I wish for peace. Not the war type of peace but that calmness which comes when we clearly see the truly important things. If we focus on those things our perspective changes. Things that are just things become less of a focus. I know your body may be broken and betraying you but I don't think your soul is broken. When we have peace our bodies gain strength and else end up doing better. Hopefully that helps or at least doesn't make anything worse. I will keep praying. Let me know what you want or need. I love you and am totally flabbergasted by How you've faced this challenge.  (David Morse, 2015)

After carefully reading each word – searching for something that would help me in this moment of being lost…there it was! What he wrote was perfect; it was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. He was right – my soul is not broke, but yes, my body was failing me. I believe with every piece of my being that there are no accidents in our lives. I know that my intuition to reach out to David, as ridiculous as I thought of the idea at the time – because he has mastered avoidance like nobody’s business, he provided me just what I needed. Speak our desires into the universe and she will respond. So to my big brother – thank you for knowing what to say, in the moment I needed it. I love you and know that I see you – and understand that your heart breaks for me. I too know that you believe I have strength to continue to walk this journey with grace – and I intend to do exactly this. Thank you Davey – for loving me and sharing a piece of your heart.

Today was Cycle 2 session 2 – next Thursday will be the last in this cycle. Where my treatment goes from there is up for discussion and plans are being discussed. I must always remember that quality of life is #1 to me – above all else. I am so happy my friend Vicki was by my side and even came over a bit early to see me. Even though I was still in bed, she didn’t think twice and  jumped on into my big bed with tons of pillows and lay there with me as we just chatted prior to my chemo infusion. I love you Vicki Bern – you are a special woman. There are hopefully some new and exciting things to come in the near future – for now, please continue sending positive healing thoughts, energy, and prayers.

Today, I am hopeful~

News Story and Ways to Help our family~

Today was an exciting day for the Garrett Family. After being interviewed by a local news station, KEZI - the piece aired today. Please check out the link to read the story and watch the interview below. 
http://www.kezi.com/news/Local_Couple_looks_to_Reunite_With_Foster_Kids_while_Battling_Illness.html

Our second exciting event is, Curtis' cousin Courtney Montano has created a unique fundraiser through her business, LoopinLizards, to help our family. Please take a look the the link below.
https://www.etsy.com/listing/247241983/





Today, I am hopeful~

I am wondering...a lot!

After one week off of chemotherapy, my body was strong enough to handle another round of chemotherapy. The new chemo treatment plan is three weeks on, one week off. I will be meeting with my oncology surgeon this week to discuss the possibility of having a port placed. After reviewing my blood pressure and pulse rate during chemo sessions, with a snappy excel spreadsheet created by Curtis, we discovered that my heartrate and blood pressure is much lower when accompanied by only one chemo-buddy. My friend Leslie, is in charge of my LotsOfHelpingHands volunteer site, she has made changes to the schedule to adjust for just one chemo-buddy to be with me during the infusion.

I am two days post chemotherapy. Last night I had my first real scare. After waking from a late afternoon nap, I did not feel well at all. Barely able to walk and too weak to crawl, my husband assisted getting me into the bathroom. Curtis then tucked me into bed and we continued to try and figure out what was going on. I made a couple calls to local friends hoping they could stop by RiteAid to purchase a newer thermometer – the one we had was saying in one ear I had a low-grade fever and the other ear over 100; sadly, no one was in town to help. Jackson was at his first football game so it was just Curtis and I at home; he did not want to leave me alone because I felt so bad. I talked on the phone to my friend Lene’ for a quick minute while Curtis dashed off to get the thermometer – I wanted to keep talking but I had no energy to talk and hung up.  

After taking my temperature with this new snappy designed thermometer, you hold up to your forehead, it was confirmed I had a fever of 101.8. Rarely do I ever get a fever and my baseline temperature is 97.7, so this fever was a big deal!  I made a call to the on-call oncologist to get medical direction. The oncologist suggested taking Tylenol to reduce the fever and to go to the ER if the fever reaches 103. The oncologist called in an antibiotic as well. Being that my fever broke after taking Tylenol and after reading the medication insert – I thought I would only take this medication as a last resort. That kind of sounds funny saying being that I am choosing to allow poison to be pumped into my veins weekly. Anyway, back to this antibiotic, it is used to treat exposure to the plague and anthrax! Seems like a pretty hefty antibiotic.

There is this dance that Curtis and I do with each other; no, less than once a day, Curtis looks deep into my eyes and tells me “I really don’t want you to die”. Today was no different. It just breaks my heart. Repeatedly throughout the day, I apologize for being sick. This situation sucks! Or as Curtis often says – “this is really fucked up” – he doesn’t have a potty mouth like me so it’s a big deal when he rolls out the F word. But you know, he is right, this is a pretty fucked up situation right now. This journey is stretching our ability to cope, to remain positive, to not be angry, and to release the need for understanding exactly why this situation is occurring – being okay with not knowing why this cancer has been brought into our lives. After one such dance, we briefly checked in with each other about stages of grief, but Curtis quickly changed the subject saying something like I cannot go there yet because “you are still here”. I offered that yes it is totally okay to be experiencing the stages of grief. I briefly psychoanalyzed where he was at, and was grateful he quickly ended that conversation.

 

Bald is Beautiful August 2015

Bald is Beautiful August 2011

I am not sure why this is happening – but I wish this cancer would take a hike and let me continue on living a glorious life. There are moments when I am sitting in my spot on the sofa, writing cards and notes back to people, decorating each one, and including creative words of inspiration – When I start to wonder, is this how I will be spending the rest of my days? I wonder if my words of encouragement are needed at just the right moment for someone. I wonder if I still inspire others? I wonder if I give others hope? I wonder if my strength and grace is helping others dig deep on those really hard days. I wonder what is my purpose. I suppose you could say that I wonder a lot! Clearly we have confirmed that I am in fact Wonder Woman, we can now move on.

I am learning what my new baseline is and I can say that I do not much fancy it at all. I am however, willing to get used to it while keeping my eye on feeling better. I will share that I am getting tired of being tired and not feeling well. Please keep sending positive healing thoughts and prayers. I love reading your letters and I hope you enjoy the letters I am writing back! I believe in miracles and am open to receiving.

Please keep sending letters to:

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Please support our fundraising efforts:

http://www.gofundme.com/christinagarrett

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/rjr9/beach-trips

Today, I am hopeful~

When you ask the universe for what you need–

be prepared to receive. Most know I attempt each day to walk this journey with grace, love, patience, and gratitude; some days I do better than others, and this is okay. Real Talk – it has been a challenge to achieve this lately. Today I found myself, yet again speaking the phrase “things have changed…it is different this time…I am dying” into the universe. As I drifted off into an afternoon nap alongside my puppy Junior and my friend Kim, I began thinking about how my words lately are not serving me well. The frustration and anger that is boiling within my thoughts – that I would like to attribute to the cancer, actually has little to do with this cancer diagnosis. Yes, it is true that things have changed; yes, it is true that it is different this time; but what I will not continue to claim and speak into the universe – is that I am dying. I am just not going to keep saying it anymore – I do not have an expiration date on my life and I will not claim one before it is time. My body is tired.  My mind is tired. But my heart and soul are strong and still in this life journey, it just looks a little bit different than it did four weeks ago and that is okay. I am determined to live this life that I have to the fullest – filled with positivity because that is who I am … #fuckcancer!

Now let me slow my roll and give the back-story; I crawled slowly out of bed this morning, exhausted, achy, itchy, and feeling defeated. I wanted to crawl back into bed and stay there all day, forgetting my doctor appointment and my manicure date with my friend Kim. But instead, I chose to get up, get dressed, and ready for my day which by the way only takes about 7 minutes since I don’t have to worry about my hair! Equally fun is that I am a bit forgetful and confused these days – mind is impacted by the chemo. When I walk, its with a little semi-sexy wobble of sorts; at least that is what I like to think. During my blood draw I had quick snooze; I guess I am getting used to being poked, and then it was off to my appointment at Hair, Body, and Sole for a complimentary manicure.

 Minding The Body

This foundation was created by cancer survivor Lisa Mattson, owner of Hair, Body and Sole Salon and Day Spa. Lisa has experienced chemotherapy herself and understands the special needs of patients undergoing treatment. Her goal is to provide a supportive environment, giving local women the opportunity to relax and indulge themselves monthly with a variety of salon services. The stylists at Hair Body and Sole donate their time to offer free manicures, pedicures and hair/wig trims to cancer patients as they go through their journey.   

Christina Christina & Kim Ragain

I met Tiara who treated my hands to a fabulous complimentary manicure. As her and I talked, I was reminded of who I really am and the choice I made four years ago about how I was going to walk the journey called life – even though, even when. Although it is a difficult time emotionally and physically for me, this does not change the essence of who I am as an individual. It is okay to hit some speed bumps in the road; they slow us down giving us a chance to remind ourselves of what is important. Today, Tiara and I needed each other and it was not by accident that we were connected by the universe on this day.

Today, I am hopeful~

This week is not going as planned...

well, for the most part. I take pride in using what I refer to as “book end”– meaning I begin with a positive or something that is going well followed by negative and then looping back to a positive. Right now, book ending – may be challenging. Recently, I have experienced so many shitty, yucky, seriously?, what the fuck, can this really be happening, and how the hell did I win the jackpot of “how much can she take” kind of days.  I freely acknowledge that I am definitely more cranky than usual but not to worry, I am psychoanalyzing the hell out of my feelings and sorting out my a-typical behavioral output. Yes, I am a therapist. 

Here I go… I am itchy as fuck! I have a rash that continues to develop in various places on my body. This delightful rash presented first on my left elbow, migrated to my right elbow, then crossed back over to the left side of my body onto my left knee, then crossed back over to right side of my body where it presented on my right knee. The end…but wait, it really did not stop….it is now presenting on the back of my right hand, and as I glance down at my left hand as I type, I see that this rash is now on the back of my left hand as well! I will describe The Wrath of The Rash as a “what the fuck moment”. 

How does one get the itching to stop? You try everything and let us face it I have plenty of fertile rash areas to test different products; five different types of please stop itching topical concoctions – homemade and purchased. None has provided the desired relief that I am seeking. Not to worry though - there is a positive that can be found within The Wrath of The Rash; when I am itching, it feels SO fabulous it is pure delight – awe, I love to itch, yes itch me more, yes, yes!  

The next situation did not directly happen to me yet I was the main attraction: this experience will fall under “Seriously?” As most know, I have cancer and I am dying – yet I am determined as ever to beat the odds and live because that is how I like to roll. Well, apparently, the local pharmacists believes it is their business to question why I have been prescribed large amounts of pain killers. Then refused to fill one prescription citing it “was too early according to the insurance company” (5 days prior to running out –which may be a policy – who the heck knows). Followed by said pharmacist contacting my oncologists’ office to make a further inquiry into “why” I needed the prescribed pain medications. Saving the best for last – said pharmacist, after acting as though I was somehow drug seeking, writing my own prescriptions, and questioning my diagnosis felt as though it was then appropriate to “share the good news” by emerging out from behind the pharmacy counter into the middle of a large store, to pray for me. While I find it thoughtful to want to offer a prayer for healing – It is beyond offensive to question the prescriptions written by the same doctor, ask what my health condition is, contact the office as though I am drug seeking, and then try to make themselves feel better by offering to pray for me??? Yep, “Seriously” that happened.  

“Shitty” and “Yucky” can be combined – my memory is becoming impacted by the chemotherapy. Just have a conversation with me and you will experience it first-hand. My memory is toast. Sometimes I am surprised I know who I am. Ugh, it sucks to lose your memory – after my last encounter with chemotherapy four years ago, I was just finally starting to feel as though my smarticles were returning. Well, they are actually leaving…it is frustrating for me.

Let me finish this with, “how the hell did I win the jackpot of how much can she take kind of days.” After only three weeks of chemotherapy – my body has decided to say STOP! The easiest way to explain it is to say that my immune system is weak and not able to build itself back enough to take another round of poisoning. It is questionable if it will even be ready next week. I know what kind of weirdo gets frustrated that they will miss a round of chemotherapy? This girl! I am trying to knock these cancer cells back enough to prevent an ulceration – which is looking hopeful at this juncture and to shrink the tumors enough to be able to maybe consider surgical removal of some tumors, if possible.

Some of this stuff sounds awesome and promising – but the reality is that right now, any medical interventions are not lifesaving or curative measures; they are simply quality of life interventions thus I must carefully weigh each option as it presents. For example, I could get a shot, occasionally, post chemotherapy to help build my immune system – however, the side effects are not awesome and pretty much suck. It all comes back to quality of life – without any promise of anything positive. Okay, I am going to stop here with all this negative stuff – I have so much more but it is not helpful to perseverate on negative things but it sure feels sweat to off-load them! It is all about the Real Talk for sure!

Let’s look at some super awesome things! I am going to list them and write more in detail later because many of them are in the works right now.

1. Curtis’ fundraiser has raised enough money to allow us to fly four of our Texas kiddos home for a few days to spend time with their mama!

2. Our family will be interviewed on Monday by a TV station – details to follow after the event

3. I am experiencing less pain due to better pain control

4. The tumors under my arm are less swollen allowing my arm to rest more comfortably by my side 

5. Curtis and I spent and awesome night at the coast which was perfectly timed.

I want to thank everyone that continues to send me letters via snail mail. I love when Curtis comes through the door yelling out “babe, you scored again!” Every letter I receive, I will write back to you.

I love writing letters everyday – typically about 6-10.

I love that I have so many people that care about me and who continue to send letters.

I love to laugh!

I love to read how I have influenced people’s lives!

I love to share how others have influenced my life.

Please keep sharing and staying in contact by sending letters. As this disease progresses, my energy level will continue to fall and communication will need to shift toward letters instead of in person visits. I feel so loved and supported right now from all the letters. 

I too want to give a shout out to the delicious meals from our food Angels Elaine Markley and Kim Ragain, not to forget the extra stuff from others like Lene’. Tell you what; Elaine is the best food sign up person you can ever imagine. She brings toilet paper, paper towels, prune juice, sweet treats, fruit, bread, and a main dish! She is the Bomb! Curtis gets downright giddy when Elaine is about to come over. Thank you Elaine for your generosity and kindness, we love that you care for us deeply.

Support Websites: 

http://www.gofundme.com/christinagarrett

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/rjr9/beach-trips

Today, I am hopeful~ 

Bald is Beautiful...

That day has come again…it is time to shave my hair off. It is not that big of a deal for me, I have been there done that, plus I actually think I look pretty good with a bald head. I was wishing my hair would have fallen out sooner so I didn’t have to shave my legs! But that is okay – the days of shaving my legs will be over soon enough. My original plan was to have my good friend Adrian McBroom shave my head this time; Adrian is a compassionate, gentle, generous, fun, and caring individual. He and I met at George Fox University, we attended the same Graduate School of Counseling together; he graduates spring 2016. He is an accomplished hairdresser in Corvallis, Oregon and has been for many years. If you need a great haircut, style, color, or change contact:

Adrian McBroom

920 NW 9th St

Corvallis, Oregon

(503) 351-9015

…But then last night happened! It was waaaaay past my bed-time, I think around 11:30 pm and I could not go to sleep. My body itched from the morphine, my elbows itched from something, not sure what is going on there, my head itched from hair falling out all over the place. I finally sprung out of bed and announced to Curtis – “you know what I want right now… a chocolate shake with whip cream on top and to shave my head!” So I sent my new kiddo driver Jackson to the store to get celebratory chocolate shakes for all of us, pulled out the hair clippers, and Curtis and I started chopping off my hair! It felt incredibly freeing to shave off my hair – liberating for sure.

I am enjoying life right now! Every single day I am receiving letters that encourage me, share memories, laugh-out-loud stories, and express how I have made a difference in people’s lives. It really feels good. It makes me believe more than ever that we need to be compassionate, kind, caring, loving, and express our appreciation for the ones that we love – freely – every single day.

I know that my husband Curtis adores and loves me more than life itself – he shows me this EVERY single day. He continues to bring incredible joy into my life. I want to share an excerpt of a writing he did as he works to raise money to bring some of my Texas children home to see me before I pass. Get the Kleenex out – this one will touch your heart too.

Dear Christina,

All my life I knew I wanted to be a husband, a father, and share my life with my best friend. It wasn't until you were diagnosed with Cancer that I…

My name is Curtis Garrett, and the letter above is THE letter that I can't find myself finishing without thinking about losing my soul mate. Christina is someone who gives me so much life and purpose; we share our passion for joy and for helping others. Several people can say that Christina is smart, funny, irreverent, fiercely compassionate, and inspires everyone she encounters. For me, she is my reason for being a better person every day, for doing my best to love everyone around me unconditionally.

Four years ago, Christina was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. This is an aggressive type of cancer with poor a prognosis but a built in silver lining:  a 90% survival rate if you make it past the first five years. My first thought when hearing about this was to automatically go into "protector" husband mode and figure out all the ways my wife could live and of course, support this process no matter what; being hopeful and positive was the only way to continue to live and love. At the end of all of her blogs, "Christina's Real Talk", she wrote, "Today I am hopeful!" 

This is the way she lives her life every day and as her husband I had to believe that her health would get better and that she would be one of the lucky ones.  Even now, it's hard to give up and to let go of the possibility of a miracle. At the same time, because Christina is who she is ...she is preparing us all for r-e-a-l-i-t-y. How can I be hopeful and be present to the reality?

The only answer I can come up with is to be with her every step of the way. In the coming days, weeks, or months my mission is to give back to my wife and to be with her to help her relive all her best and most beautiful memories. I want to be strong enough for her so that when our only communication is eye to eye or hand to hand, she will be able to receive all the love, beautiful memories, and all the admiration I carry for her in my heart. I want to bestow upon her all of the love, care, support, and most importantly time to simply be her husband. I want to remind her everyday how beautiful her eyes are, how she still give me goosebumps when I hold her hands, and how I can fall in love with her all over again because all it takes is one conversation to understand she is the love of my life.

Christina is a great WOMAN, wife and mother. We have fostered and/or adopted 16 children over the last 11 years. Having been in foster care myself, it has always been a dream to give back. Christina made this possible and we love all our children. We never give up and once they came to us, it didn't matter where they went afterwards; we are still their parents and keep tabs on them. For Christina, this was one of the most important gifts of life.

Now I won't lie to you all if I say this is going to be easy; most days I pray so hard for any miracle to come; please keep praying and wishing to the universe or whatever other "woo woo" you like, as Christina would say, to keep her in high spirits. Christina checks in with me every day to see how I am doing; I can't tell her I don't want to lose her and I can't express to her that Iam not ready. The truth is I'm not ready to let go, so I choose to stand, sit, and be directly by her side until she takes her last breath.

I chose to take time off of work to be by her side and relive every moment of love with her; to express our love and to finish the letter I started writing to her so that I can read it to her with pride and bring her legacy and our love to light. I pray that my love will endure this pain of the unknown yet foreseen even in the hardest days.

Our financial situation has already declined to the level where it is hard for us to manage regular expenses. As we are trying not to exhaust all of our savings, I am raising money to be with my wife during this time, relive our most beautiful memories together and to be able to pay the medical and housing expenses. I will try to provide regular updates via gofundme.com, her blog, and social media.  Please help me spread the word and help us accomplish her BEST LIFE EVER LIST!

Curtis is an amazingly awesome guy that I love forever and have been blessed to have him be a part of the journey. He loves me even though and even when - that speaks volumes to me.

I had so many visits from my friends and family; it is fantastic - gosh I am so lucky. Thank you to each person that continues to touch my life, support my family, and love like you never thought you could. 

Today, I am hopeful~

I am sleepy and itchy but I am still funny!

I am in the middle of recovering from Round#2 of chemotherapy. It is complicated to sort-out which side effects can be attributed to chemotherapy vs. pain medication. There are pros and cons to every situation, so let’s do a quick chemotherapy pros and cons list.

Cons	Pros
Fatigue	Get to sleep a lot – typically wake-up around 10:30-11:00
Increased Body Aches – deep bone aches	Husband is even more attentive – well his baseline is that he spoils me already but it is even cooler now!!!
Memory Loss	Get to read beautiful cards that are being sent, filled with special memories and words of encouragement
Slight Nausea	Unlimited reflection and meditation time
Agitation	Additional quality time with my family and friends
Increased Sleep	Nurses, family, and friends willing to help make me comfortable, feeling surrounded by love, and taken care of
Loss of Appetite	Time to write letters and cards to people as I reflect on memories that I want to put on paper
Don’t get to drive my car	A clock is not necessary, as time simply does not matter – for the most part
	I get to spend quality time with my friends and family every week – super awesome fun times snuggled up on the sofa in our blankets watching a funny movie or TV show

“Oh my gosh…babe you scored” is what I hear nearly every day, after Curtis checks the street mail and/or PO Box mail; he walks in carrying a handful of letters that are all addressed to me. I LOVE IT!!!  It brings me such great joy and lifts my spirit to receive the letters everyone is sending. I cherish each written word and long to read and share more memories. I hope people do not mind me sharing some of these precious words on my blog. Please keep writing, I will continue to write back as long as I am able. Curtis took me to Hobby Lobby – my first post chemo outing, 45 minutes in length and it wiped me out! However, during my Hobby Lobby adventure, I picked up some really cool things to make the cards I write to everyone are super Jazzy! I hope you all enjoy them because I am having so much fun writing back.

Elaine Markley authored an amazingly touching piece of poetry, which was accompanied by a handwritten letter, that is now framed and displayed in my home. I want to share it with everyone – I hope Elaine does not mind.

CHRISTINA CHRISTINA

COURAGE

Facing the enemy head on

Not backing down

Troops rally around you

You are not in this alone.

BELIEVE

Miracles do happen

Being hopeful one will come your way

“She makes broken look beautiful

and strong look invincible.

She walked the Universe on her shoulders

and made it look like a pair of wings.”

SENSE OF HUMOR

Laughter is the universal medicine

Happy endorphin's flow freely

Side aches and happy tears shared with friends

Who else would ever admit they “prefer weed up their ass?”

FRIENDSHIPS

From near and far, young and old offer hope

Your warmth spills over to touch so many

No borders, no barriers, no boundaries, no strangers

Only joy to share with a special person.

MEMORIES

Fill the trunk

Share your thoughts now to be treasured forever

Capture good times, sayings, pictures

Make memories real and Christina’s wish fulfilled

Christina Christina

Always in our thoughts

Always in our hearts

Always hopeful

Your journey has made everyone you have touched

a better person

  Elaine Markley

August 5, 2015

As I visited with some friends this morning, I spoke of how neat it is that I get the opportunity to hear how I have influenced the lives of others and relive memories while I am alive. Most of us will not get this opportunity; it is typically at a funeral or celebration of life ceremony that people share these beautiful heartfelt words and memories about their loved one. However, for me, I get to hear it, read it and relive it while I am alive. This is one of the many pros of knowing that your life is winding down!

As I take a quick break from typing, to itch myself – the morphine makes me itchy, I think about how strange it is that I have cancer and that I am dying. I then quickly remind myself that I am open to miracles. It makes me sad to think about dying when I am so young; I have so much more that I want to do with my life. It too makes me sad when I catch my husband, out of the corner of my eye, looking at me with deep love as his heart breaks that he may soon be losing the woman he longed to grow old with. It hurts my heart when Curtis’ expression of sorrow is so deep that it is indescribable. I watch Jackson as he makes himself something to eat in the kitchen, and wonder if this might be the last time I get to see him do this. I tell Jackson I love you before going to bed, hanging-up the phone, or leaving the house (I have always done this will all my children) and wonder if this will be the last time he will hear those words. I watch my son Cole be defiant yet call it being independent whose verbal expression is incredibly self-centered and uncaring – thinking, this is not how I raised him to be and hoping he will step back into the giving person I raised him to be. I cling to the words of my son Carlos who called to just let me know how much he loves me and to make sure that I knew he is going to “make something” of his life. To hear him say that I have been his number one role model in his life and how much he loves me. I reflect on my son Dominic who expresses that he does not know how to even imagine me no longer being alive – that he can’t even go there, it is too painful. It is interesting to see how the people around me respond as my life is winding down. My hope is that everyone will find peace and be able to respond in love – while I am still alive. Life is a precious gift.

I have made many mistakes during this lifetime and hope that I have repaired these wrongs, learned from each experience, and grown into a better person. With gratitude, I say thank you to everyone that has touched my life in small and large ways – you have enriched this journey and I am thankful.

Please keep sending me letters and bringing me hope! My trunk is quickly filling; I may need to get a larger one before you know it! Live each moment as though it is your last. Love hard. Give freely. And SMILE more!!!

Thank you to everyone that is donating to my End of Life fundraiser - one of my desires is to stay at the beach at least one night monthly and because of the donations received thus far, I am getting ready to schedule my first August trip! 

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/rjr9/beach-trips

Today, I am hopeful~  

Opportunities to Support Christina~

As my team comes together this week to make final arrangements and assistance in the home - everything is falling into place. A fundraiser has been started to raise funds that will enable me to stay at least one night monthly at the Oregon Coast where I find the most peace.

Christina maintains that the coast is where she finds the most peace, is grounded in her thoughts, and experiences a euphoric joy. It is not simply about being at the beach, but rather "on the beach" - hearing the waves crash, sitting on the hotel balcony enjoying the ocean breeze. As Christina’s life journey continues to wind down, wouldn’t it be an amazing gift for her to stay a couple evenings each month with her feet in the sand on the beautiful Oregon Coast? Her two favorite spots are:

COHO Lodge

Address: 1635 NW Harbor Ave, Lincoln City, OR 97367

Phone:(541) 994-3684

Elizabeth Street Inn

Address: 232 SW Elizabeth St, Newport, OR 97365

Phone:(877) 265-9400

Fundraising Link:   https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/rjr9/beach-trips

Many local individuals have been sent an email link Lotsa Helping Hands where you may schedule a time to visit Christina at her home, provide a meal for the family, and offer to clean the home. 

Chemo Buddy scheduling must be done

directly through Leslie Brittell
leslie.brittell@frontier.com

The Garrett family appreciates everyone’s extension of love

Today, I am hopeful~

Pokes, chemo, and a lot of tired happening here!

I am going to keep this short, as I am exhausted from my treatment yesterday. On Wednesday, I was scheduled to have a PIC line placed – this was an epic failure and an extremely painful process that lasted 2.5 hours! In the end, there was no PIC line placed. I will say that John and Jim did a fabulous job of trying their best and being supportive. Nearing the end, I could not take the pain anymore and began to sob; Jim so sweetly handed me tissue and was gently cleaning up my bloodied arms.  The positive is that the appointment was at the coast – my two friends Leslie and Kim went with me. After the failed PIC line, we went to grab a bite to eat at Kyllo’s – thanks for the treat Les!! I appreciate my strong support system! I am so lucky.

Over lunch, I was sharing some of by ideas about how to celebrate my life and/or to remembered me after I pass. My first fabulous idea was to have my body stuffed and mounted…it could be really cool, yes a bit creepy, but let us not focus on the creepy part. The other idea was to have a large gathering on the beach around sunset. Have food and make a bonfire. When the moment is right, I would take my death with dignity pills and pass, and then a few friends could pick my body up and throw it on the fire. After the fire burns down, collect my ashes and leave them in the ocean! Fabulous idea, right?!?! Well, perhaps not, but don’t deny there is some genius within the idea. Not to worry – I am still in the planning stages!

Everyone is so important to me and I want to make sure that I have a system in place that allows me to take care of my body- resting a great deal, visiting with friends and family, and seeing individuals face to face. After only one day of chemotherapy, I am exhausted and managing the side effects as best possible. I have recruited Team Christina to assist is end of life planning and the day to day operating of my life.  I ask that everyone please remember this is a difficult time for my direct household, Curtis (husband) and Jackson (16 y/o son). I want to dedicate a large portion of my time to them as my life winds down. I too want to balance this with spending time with my close friends and family.

My team will help me get everything organized and I will keep everyone informed along the way. Although I am planning for my departure – I in NO WAY have decided to throw in the towel, just the opposite. I remain determined as ever to continue to live.

I had my first babysitter today, Krista and she was terrific. You see, Krista is a gifted writer and she brought a heart felt writing to share with me. As she read, my eyes remained closed - I could picture exactly the words and situations she spoke of. I could feel her heart through its brokenness, I could feel her heart as it gained wholeness. Krista - thank you for sharing your heart - what you wrote was absolutely perfect! I love too that you mentioned us in Dr. Bearden's classes. I too remember when I followed you into the bathroom when you left class that one day - I was drawn to your soul like a magnet. Thank you for being a part of my life. 

One of the best ways to connect with me is by USPS – snail mail!

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192 

Philomath, OR 97370

Today, I am hopeful~