A little this and a little that.

As my mind continues to bring memories back, I have been reminded of some funny moments that I would like to share along with a quick health update.

Flight from Portland to Houston:

Leslie and I were so excited to experience traveling first class, in style. It was early in the morning when our flight was departing but our excitement fueled our alertness. As we boarded the plane, we noticed people were sitting in our seats. We both looked at our tickets to make sure we were on track – you know that quick panic prior to settling into the correct seat. For a moment, I thought perhaps we really did not have first class tickets – as though it was too good to be true. The flight attendant began talking with the seated traveling companions; they presented their tickets noting Row 22! As they relocated, there was some mumbling about traveling and airplanes. Leslie and I chuckled a bit, perhaps they thought they were flying Southwest, grab any seat you can! Thankfully our seats where reclaimed by its assigned owners – Leslie and I.

Flight from Houston to Portland:

I so want to share a story, but again Leslie would never speak to me; let’s just say there was quite a bit of chaos prior to boarding. As we settled in we were both sweating like freaks! I grabbed an ice pack and handed it to Leslie – she then quickly ordered an adult beverage and I took a Xanax.  Life was good. As the flight proceeded, I began having hot flashes, I was waving my church lady fan rapidly to gain some comfort as the sweat rolled off the back of my baldhead. A woman sitting across the aisle from us stood up and grabbed a portable fan out of her bag and handed it to me. THANK YOU! Nearing the end of the flight, I returned it to her – then shortly after I had to break out my hand held fan – I was hot flashing again. The lovely woman grabbed her fan and handed it back insisting that I keep it noting, “I have been there before”.  Awe, it’s about the little things…compassionate people, fans, and fresh air.

Hair falling out and hair coming in:

Of course, my hair fell out; I have been down this road before. What is new this time is that all my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out too! My first go around with chemotherapy in 2011 thinned my brows and eyelashes, but this time it claimed them all. I know my hair is growing back; I am kind of “fuzzy” right now. What I was not expecting was the resurgence of facial hair. All those years and money spent on electrolysis and laser hair removal treatments – washed away. The man hairs on my chin and upper lip are coming back strong, long, dark, and coarse! What the heck? My eyebrows are equally as wild, circa 1980s. I was so self-conscious about my eyebrows I went to the salon to have them waxed down a bit. While at the salon, I learned how to apply false eyelashes – that’s a bit tricky but I am getting better at applying them each day. Hair is clearly on my mind, I had a dream the other night that within a matter of hours my pubic hair grew back in full force! LOL This hair growing back thing is like something out of National Geographic deep jungle addition; I am bracing myself for the impending grow back on all areas of the body. Where is the bright spot, well I am counting on my hair growing back curly, just like last time. I know the curls will eventually leave, but they are super awesome for growing your hair back. Please, please, please, bring back the curly hair!

What’s new and what’s next:

After about 15 days on my new supplements (protocol), I had my blood drawn to check my tumor marker counts – the good news is that everything is holding steady for the moment! I am thrilled about this, yet the reality of the doctor’s diagnosis sits in the shadows of my joy. My increased energy has allowed me to resume researching clinics outside the US that offer treatments not available in the states. I found a clinic in Frankfurt, Germany offering several modalities I have used along with others I have researched and wanted to undergo – like stem cell and oxygen treatments. For now, I am excited about my bloodwork, increased energy, and possibilities to regain health in Germany. Time will tell what the next steps will be for me to continue a healing path.  

Cape Kiwanda Rock Cliffs - where true beauty unfolds.

I really wish I could go back to work but I know that my journey right now is to take care of myself and hopefully experience a healing miracle. I have been spending time with friends and family on the days I have energy and just hanging out at home when my body tells me to rest. This current space is a difficult one to sit in, for both Curtis and I. At times, we both become overwhelmed with emotions – it is not easy. The tears flow more often and sometimes comes without notice. I am determined to beat the odds and return to full health. I appreciate everyone that continues to support my family, send prayers, and positive healing thoughts my direction. There is a saying that one quickly learns who your real friends are when there is a challenge or tragedy – they are the ones that show-up. I am truly blessed to have so many people rooting for a healing miracle and loving on my family. Thank you for being a part of my journey! I enjoy those that continue to send letters – I enjoy writing, as it is very cathartic. I too am getting to know people on a deeper level along with cultivating new friendships. So keep writing – I send a handwritten response to everyone.

Send letters to:

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192

Philomath, OR 97370

Today, I am hopeful~

Time Escapes Me

Texas Morse Family

 It seems so long ago that I traveled to Texas, yet it was merely nine days ago since my return. Time escapes me; days grow long and slow yet seem to travel fast – a complete contradiction, absolutely. It is difficult to explain – that is a theme these days. My mind unable to find the words to portray the essence of what is occurring neither in my mind nor in my body. I long to register the poetry of what is occurring – one would have to live it to understand it I suppose.

First Class food

Leslie & Christina 

My trip to Texas was widely successful. Thanks to Darrin & Deborah Poole, my traveling companion/caretaker/friend Leslie and I traveled first class; I am quite sure I have been ruined forever – first class travel is the only way to go! During my travels, I was able to connect with my Ayurvedic practitioner, a few Texas friends, two of my sons, one grandbaby, and spend time with my family. There are several very hilarious stories that I would like to share – but I fear Leslie would never speak to me again – we laughed endlessly. There were tears shed too – part of roll’n with me these days. 

Pablo, Christina, & Quentin

Unknown! LOL

There was the big question between my niece Karlie and I of what species of bird we were looking at! We actually turned the truck around to take a second look. The trip provided the much need physical and mental jumpstart I needed to return home, although I did not fully realize this until the night after returning home.

 When I began accepting chemotherapy treatments, it was August 6, 2015. I did two cycles of treatments for a total of six chemotherapy infusions – the schedule was weekly for three weeks, take one week off and then repeat. Although I was virtually housebound during this two-month adventure – I thought after stopping the infusions, I would begin to regain strength, body aches would subside, and fatigue lesson. This was not the case. The cumulative effect of the treatment brought me to my knees – I thought my time on this earth was about to end. But it did not. I am grateful. This brings me back to the realization I unearthed the night after returning home from Texas.

Saturday morning I was poised to begin taking a combination of two supplements, setting the intention that these, in part, would help bring my body back into balance and become healthy again. I am counting on these, I would think to myself – this literally is a life or death situation and I am not ready to leave this earth as my work is not done. As I counted out the supplements, there it was laid out before me; 26 capsules to be consumed daily; three times on an empty stomach and two times with food. The shear amount of large capsules overwhelmed me, as did the timing schedule. I began to set alarms on my phone reminding of ingestion time – I was getting frustrated now. Swallowing up to six capsules in one setting…they were getting stuck in my throat and it hurt. I began cursing these supplements. My words in general were themed negative. “How the fuck am I going to take all these fucking pills every day” another one being “I can’t believe I have been wearing these stupid panties inside out all day”. By evening time, my stomach was upset, I felt so weak in my mind, and I finally broke. 

Sharon Kapp

I began tearfully recounting all the thoughts I was having, to Curtis, and how frustrated I was at not only this process but also myself. I mean, here I am asking these supplements to heal my body yet cursing them before ingesting– yep, not the best choice. I cried from the deepest part of my heart that I worked so hard to get through graduate school, I am a therapist, but unable to practice. I cried that I no longer knew what my purpose was. I cried at those dang panties being inside out all day! 
I was so sad. 
I was so negative. 
I was feeling frustrated. 
I was searching for my purpose. 
I was feeling broken, not wounded, but broken. 

I was rapidly processing as Curtis sat and listened. I must have a looked a mess, perhaps he was thinking about how long this emotional event would go on. I wondered if he was becoming tired of me being sick. I mean, were we all just ready for this to be over? As I processed what was happening in my head, it felt good to let it out – unlock the inner secrets I keep to myself. I was pleading with myself to get my mind right – I was disappointed that I was struggling. The truth is, I know what I need to do – it is the doing that is often times the most challenging of tasks and I do not have time on my side, I have to quickly make adjustments as awareness presents. And so I did.

Saturday night was the beginning. I started to bless my handful of supplements prior to taking them; I reminded myself gently of the power of gratitude. I put out into the universe to my high power to provide a sense of my purpose. In reality, my purpose has not changed; it is just coming in different forms, looks a bit different from what I imagined. Within hours of my pleads, I received a message from a friend asking me if her daughters 6^th grade class could write to me. Then 48 hours later, I received a call from a friend sharing that she was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Absent my realization, emotional release, and processing with Curtis on Saturday night, I would not have been able to respond to either situation – but I was able to because I made the choice to sit in gratitude and get back to that peaceful place. 

Christina & Vicki at the Beach

I knew I needed to get to the beach as well – put my feet in the sand and get grounded. My good friend Vicki and I headed over to the coast for a day trip this past week and it was amazing. I shared with Vicki all the dark thoughts – she listened empathically no problem solving, just listening. We walked on the beach and it was just perfect; everything was as it should be. My beloved Grandpa LeGall showed-up with his symbolic China hat shells – I found four, this is how I know he is with me from the other side. I am quite sure he is my lead guardian angel. As Vicki and I walked, it was just us on the beach. We sat quietly in the sand at one point, my body telling me that I had way over done it, as we prepared to turn around and head back to the car. Listening to the waves – enjoying the majestic ocean this is where I feel spiritually fed. Did I mention it was perfect? I am feeling as though I am mentally and physically (slowly) getting back on track. Regardless of what my body does, I know it is essential to keep my mind in a good space, so I will.

I forgot to mention in mention that I was able to graduate from my baby toothbrush and tooth paste, back to my big girl brush! I too am able to drive a bit, which is nice – reclaiming my life. It is about the small steps sometimes. 

I never went to my PET/CT scan and I cancelled my oncology appointment too. I was planning to ask the oncologist is he was willing to make the six month call in writing so I could proceed with the paperwork to exercise death with dignity. I want to have access to the medication, if the time comes – I do not want to suffer. So why did I cancel, well, I am not ready to officially hear or see this is writing. I am not claiming the life ending diagnosis but I do want to be prepared if things start to shift again – which the doctor says will most certainly happen. This is a strange space to be in – like a holding pattern of sorts, but with my life. None of this is easy. I have body aches, fatigue, nausea, hot flashes, night sweats – it is a challenge to get out of bed each day. Most recently, I have been experiencing constant low grade head pain/pressure making it difficult to read, watch TV, and write. There is some fear that comes from this – I had a friend that passed away of TNBC after she had completed all her treatments, the cancer went to her brain and spine – she passed about 9 months after her diagnosis. I try to push any thought of this happening to me away – but it is not easy. 

Someone recently asked me "how I do this,” keep positive and hopeful, this was my response:

How do I do it? Hmmm, I just do. It's tough sometimes, especially this latest event where I thought I was going to die. It's strange knowing doctors say that death awaits me in the near future. I just decided not to claim that diagnosis for myself; instead I am committed to getting well and bringing my body into balance. To be doing or thinking thoughts that don't serve me well, would make things so much worse. It's not worth it. Our minds are a powerful tool so keeping positive can only help- even in our darkest hours. Keep hopeful!

There are many things that are out of our control – but what we do have the power to do, is too forever remain hopeful in order to walk these difficult journeys authentically, triumphantly, and with grace.

Please consider supporting our online fundraising efforts - additional Ways to Help are located on the home page of the blog, on the top right side.

Fundraising Link:  http://www.gofundme.com/christinagarrett

Today, I am hopeful~

Holy Night Sweats Part Two:

Curtis went back to work on Wednesday this past week; he had exhausted all his vacation time and had taken several FMLA days, which are unpaid. It was good for him to get back to work; he disagreed at first but now is feeling more comfortable being away from me being that I can slowly navigate at home alone. Jackson showed up at the house during his lunch hour Wednesday - Friday – I think he was making an excuse to come home to see if I was okay. I did not ask – I just smiled. So our lives are getting back to normal a little bit, as my health improves. I cannot believe it has been over two months since this crazy cancer situation came back to life. I am left wondering what happens next. I know that I have a terminal diagnosis at this juncture, but I am refusing to accept that – I am still going to keep trying to get this body healthy and beat the odds. I am all about not fitting into the “norm” so naturally, I will regain my health and continue to live into my 80s.

I have been experiencing hot flashes by day and intense night sweats by night! This is not my first rodeo with this sweating situation – it happened after the first time I had chemotherapy four years ago. I am losing water from my body at a rapid rate; sweat city up in here people! Good thing I am not a stinky person – it would be unbearable to be around me. On Wednesday, I was able to receive IV hydration at the infusion center. I arrived, barely able to walk from the car into the building; I pulled a chair up to the check-in window to sit while I checked in with the staff. The lovely woman came out to the waiting room to place my identification wristband onto my wrist – she could see my fatigue and responded with gentleness. Curtis and  I were escorted back after waiting, what seemed like forever, it was actually about 15 minutes, to what the RN’s call “the closet”. Holy small room – closet was actually an understatement. The RN, Andrea was very kind, as she somehow maneuvered around this space. I was desperate for hydration and I knew getting a vein was going to most likely be a challenge, and it was. The first attempt in what I refer to as my “good arm” the right side where the cancer likes to rest – this arm usually goes untouched as to avoid inviting lymphodema into my life, it was a fail – no vein. So we moved to the left arm for a try and it she got it! So here we go…fluid! YES~ I then became a bit anxious due to the small space – so I took a Xanax. Even after I took it, I remarked that I was about to have a panic attack and how strange it was being that I had a Xanax on board. I was able to use mindfulness techniques along with reminding myself of how much better I may feel after rehydrated. It worked no panic attack. After the treatment, I did feel a bit better and was able to walk to the car without much assistance. Upon arriving home, I was SUPER hungry for the first time in a long time. I ate a southwest chicken bento bowl from Café Yum and then went to sleep for a couple hours. Oh my gosh, when I awoke, I knew that I was slowly turning the corner with my health.

Curtis has been my own personal angel looking after me in the most loving way – even when his heart was breaking and his body was tired from caretaking. He too was my personal chef. To know me is to know that I do not eat red meat and have not in nearly 25 years. My Ayurvedic practitioner, Sharon Kapp has been encouraging me to consume bone marrow soup for several years, but the idea of it just turned my stomach! Well, I finally gave in and Curtis cooked up a large batch of bone marrow broth. After cooking it down for 72 hours, it was ready for consumption. I drank a little bit and it was not so bad; actually, my body was craving it, so I consumed more. I now am consuming a cup of the marrow broth daily – my body loves it and it seems to be giving me strength.

Friday, Curtis and I were able to watch Jackson’s football game that was in Silverton, an away game. Elaine Markley, from Corvallis HS – our super awesome Monday meal angel, was able to arrange with Mark, the principal at Silverton HS, for us to drive our car and park on the track by the visitor stands. It was wonderful; best warm seat in the house! I appreciate the extension of grace and willingness of both Silverton and Crescent Valley High Schools that have been incredibly accommodating. Mark escorted us from the gates onto the track, clearing everyone out of our way as though we were royalty. I was a bit embarrassed – Like here comes the bald woman, cancer girl. Sometimes it is awkward to have people stare at me; this was one of those days but totally worth it, the game was awesome and Jackson had several great plays; the team garnered their first win of the season, it was a good night.

My mom was reading a research study of these two supplements, that when combined, showed success in reducing Triple Negative Breast cancer cells. She has ordered the supplements and I am

excitedly awaiting their arrival! The formula is comprised of ingredients that I am familiar with during all my research over the years – so I am hoping this may be the missing element in my regiment. I am ready to get healthy again and say goodbye to this cancer forever!!!! I love that I have so many people rooting for me, praying and sending healing thoughts on a daily basis – it makes a difference, I can feel it.

I am looking forward to the upcoming days that will hopefully bring increased energy and health. My trip to Texas is coming up, so I need to continue to gain strength allowing my body to heal as my immune system gains strength. I am not sure if I wrote of my trip in my blog already – dang chemo brain. I am wanting to go to Texas to see my kids, grandbabies, family, friends, and my Ayurvedic practitioner. When I mentioned my desire, Darrin and Deborah Poole extended tremendous generosity – they purchased first class tickets for me to travel, along with my beloved friend Leslie who will be my caretaker during the trip. Deborah understands this struggle; she is currently dealing with breast cancer as well. I am humbled that I am blessed with many Angels that walk among us like the Poole Family.  

I was able to finally write return letters to everyone that has been waiting! I wrote so many letters this weekend, my hand and arm sore from the marathon writing sessions. So look for a letter from me, if you were one of the 30+ backed up letters, writing really lifts my spirits and I appreciate every word that is sent my way. Please keep sending letters – it is therapeutic for me to write. Although I may not remember what I write to each person, please know that in that moment, my written words are in direct response to your words; what I write is what is on my heart after reading your letter. Sometimes, my teardrops stain the paper and this is okay – it cleanses the soul. THANK YOU for being in this journey with me, sometimes it is tough to watch and walk alongside me – I know this.

Please support our fundraising efforts:

http://www.gofundme.com/christinagarrett

Today, I am hopeful~

The real face of cancer…

 Of course I want to always be as positive as possible yet over the past several days I have felt closer to death than I wish to travel again. I remain fatigued, feeling broken, and without much hope. I told a few friends last week “fuck it, I am no longer going to hide what my real truth is when I feel awful”. So I will not. It has really been a struggle since last Friday. This weekend I was unable to get out of bed; Monday, it was difficult to walk to the sofa – but I finally made it. Today, I feel like shit yet again, but after finally giving in and taking some medication, am seeing a bit of relief. There have been many tears shed over the past few days.  Curtis looking after me so gently – with love, that kind of love that clearly shows –“for better or worse, we are in this together”, he says this often. His heart breaks; he knows not where to place his pain or make sense of all this. Together we cannot make sense of it either. I think it is one of those – it just sucks kind of deals. No sense can be made.

I want to feel better for a lot of reasons, I want to live and I feel as though I am merely existing right now. I am quite sure my photo speaks loudly – it is painful. I hope to gain my strength to be able to travel to Texas in a couple weeks. At this moment, I just cannot see it happening, but then I am just struggling in this moment, so the future seems too far off to consider. 

While we appreciate everyone’s dedication to sending and offering positive healing energy and prayers for healing I am going to be frank – what we need is to raise money so Curtis can take leave from work – FMLA  Family Medical Leave Act – this is an unpaid leave from work, leaving us no income to pay our bills. In addition, we must make our health insurance premium payment while he is on leave. My family has helped with medical premiums and our rent for three months – but we have many more expenses and no way to pay them. Please spread the word that we need help. I want to spend time with Curtis and he wants to spend time with me. Please help us, every dollar counts!

Please support our fundraising efforts:

http://www.gofundme.com/christinagarrett

 

I am behind on my return letter writing, really too fatigued to do much of anything, but appreciate each word that is sent my way. I just got off the phone with my oncologist and he has placed orders for me to go to the infusion center for hydration, hoping this may help. Now I wait for the infusion center to contact me and schedule my appointment, hopefully sooner than later.

Today, I am hopeful~  

Time to change things up a bit...

I am having some mixed emotions as I write this blog post. Currently, I am at the CoHo Inn, sitting on a sofa, my feet perched upon the coffee table as I feel the Oregon Coastal breeze blow softly into the hotel room, and the waves crashing in a unique rhythmic fashion, I wonder if they are trying to speak to me. The view from the sofa is amazing. The sun shining brightly as it dances off the deep blue ocean water, the water dancing around the rock clusters as the waves break and shatter to the color white. To me – this is just about as close to heaven on earth as one can get. Communing with nature, there is nothing quite like it. Yes, I would rather have my feet in the sand, the water splashing over my toes – embracing natures coastal ice cube bath. I know the limits of my physical body right now, and enjoying a walk on the beach and sand between my toes is not an option. Although, I will be looking for an opportunity to get close enough to the sand, without walking too much, to feel the energy of the earth rise up through my body; this is healing. 

I have completed 2 chemotherapy cycles consisting of 3 sessions within each cycle; totally 6 chemotherapy infusions. The past month, I have been rendered virtually home bound, due to the side effects of the Abraxane – that is the drug I have been allowing to enter my veins over the past two months. The side effects are particularly challenging because I am left with very little energy and deep body aches. If you have ever had the pleasure of having chemotherapy, you most likely know this feeling. My appetite has been significantly diminished – which is not exactly a bad thing as I am about 30 pounds heavier then when I had chemo the first go around. When you don’t have much body weight to work with and you are losing it, that can create a set of issues. So not to worry – my extra plump sista’ booty and thighs are serving me well! The side effects I speak of are the ones you can see, but then there is another set going on inside my body. Oh by the way, I did not mention losing my hair as a side effect, because I am way to sexy with this baldhead – it’s a bit unfair to those around me, so I do not want to even make you think that baldness is a Con – it is actually a Pro in my book.

I am so distracted by the ocean sounds, I am finding it difficult to continue on writing this update. You see, there are different ways to look at things – take the old adage, do you see the glass as half full or half empty? It is what it is and yet there are two different ways to consider the cup – positive, it is half full or negative it is half empty. To know me is to know, I am a half-full kind of girl AKA Queen of the reframe. After visiting with the oncologist, he was pleasantly surprised at how much of a rock star my body is. “you look really good” and “wow your body really responded to that chemo better than I imagined”. These are the types of things that you love to hear from your oncologist! The awesome thing that has been achieved from this chemo is that while I am taking chemo infusions, my tumor markers have nearly all returned back into “normal range”. I will share a graph that shows how well my body responded to the chemotherapy.

The dates listed are when I had chemotherapy and the test type is listed on the left hand side. As you can see – my tumor markers immediately began to decrease when taking chemotherapy. Once the number are below 31 – all will be within normal limits again. So what does this mean? It means the chemo is killing cancer cells. So when you look at this graph, you may be super stoked – but wait, there is another side of this too; so celebrate cautiously.

TEST	8/6/2015	8/13/2015	8/20/2015	8/28/2015	9/10/2015	9/17/2015
CA 125	539	350	180	75	23	16
15.3	115	89	78	60	42	37
27.29	197	127	119	88	42	38
CEA	0.4	0.4	.6	1.1	0.7	.8

It is fabulous that my body responded so well to the Abraxane, but this poison kills all my good cells along with the cancer cells. Chemotherapy can cause one’s body organs to begin to shut down due to toxicity. The side effects, like the newly experienced neuropathy on my feet is no fun at all. Continuing to do this aggressive chemotherapy regiment is not sustainable to life and living. I must make a choice at this juncture – because something has to change.

The oncologist is still talking life expectancy of perhaps being stretched beyond six months to a year, maybe longer – I got him to say the maybe longer reminding him that I am determined woman. Curtis and I have talked a lot about what to do next. I too have sat in silence considering my next steps. I can tell you that as I write this, the amazing beautiful ocean crashing below – a gentle breeze touches my cheeks – I know I am making the right choice for me, with the support of my oncologist. This week happens to be my chemo off week!  Yippee!!!!!! I really look forward to these weeks. I will still have my blood checked on Thursday, and if current trends continue, my tumor makers will have finally land into normal range. Next week, I will undergo at CT/PET scan to see if the tumors have shrunk and completely left my body – which would be so awesome!!!!! I will then take, what my oncologist calls “a chemo holiday” and stop chemo for a cycle as I resume my alternative practices. During this four-week period, I will monitor my blood weekly to insure that my tumor markers are remaining low. I will be focusing on taking care of my body – eating clean, allowing a great deal of rest, and remaining steadfast with my alternative practices that have kept me living a wonderful life for so many years. During this time period, if my tumor markers increase rapidly, which is statistically what typically occurs, I will need to make some difficult choices once again and perhaps get a bump of Abraxane.

My hope is that this Abraxane has killed off enough cancer cells, to give my body a chance to heal itself and get back to work. Our bodies heal broken bones – this is a miracle that we forget to acknowledge far too often. Healing  miracles happen every day; I am counting on my body healing itself and asking that the creator and angels that surround me protect me and help heal my body by removing all these cancer cells from my body – and for them never to return. I am realistic – but I too am super hopeful!

Please keep sending me letters and cards, I respond to each one I receive. Your letters of support keep me going, especially on those emotionally hard days. Many thanks to everyone that loves us and is supporting us in many ways. 

Please keep sending letters to:

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Please support our fundraising efforts:

http://www.gofundme.com/christinagarrett

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/tk5b/christina-s-end-of-life-wishes

Today, I am hopeful~

So it is done~

Christina, Joan, and Jody~

Joan & Jody my RN Angels!

But not over! Today, I have completed two full cycles of chemotherapy – 6 sessions. Although I was dreading today’s treatment, it went as planned. I have been blessed with oncology RN’s that are a kick in the pants and make getting chemo-infusions so much better; my two RN Angels are Joan and Jody. I love and appreciate these two women – they both have a wonderful sense of humor, at times I observe interactions between them that are so silly it could be featured on an up and coming sitcom! Joan presents as the alpha nurse – she is definitely in charge during my sessions – with Jody being her dutiful spunky sidekick. My infusions are not always easy since I do not have a port or pic line for the RNs to just plug into. It takes master level skills to get a good IV going without needing a pain reliever shot prior to IV entry. My gals Joan and Jody are so fantastic at IV placement; I can pass on the extra poke forgoing the numbing medication. It makes all the difference when you have outstanding RN’s taking care of me!!

This past week has been a bumpy road – it started off really really rough and ended quit pleasant. One great thing about chemo-brain is that you forget things all the time. In reflection, I know the first part of the week – since the last chemo session included Friday night fever. I remember that I was so fatigued on Sunday that I canceled a visit with a friend. I too recall that on Monday, after acupuncture, I was so fatigued that I was seriously considering using a wheelchair while at Hobby Lobby. Instead, I cleared sitting spots along the way by rearranging Hobby Lobby displays to accommodate my butt for sitting. I was just so grateful that my Acupuncture Buddy, Vicki, was willing to take me to the Hobby Lobby after acupuncture – I needed more cools stuff to keep writing back to my friends and family.

When I awoke Tuesday morning, I felt a little piece of my spunky self a couple times. I was not feeling as fatigued, although still a bit nauseous. I was thinking how cool it was that I was feeling a little bit alive again after feeling like shit for the 2 months. Then there was Wednesday – Oh my, I felt good again. Yes, my body continued to ache, especially my hips, knees, and ankles but I felt well enough to take a shower and Curtis and I went to McGraths to get a little bit to eat during happy hour. This was a big deal because I have been virtually homebound for the past two months! McGraths was our typical spot – we used to go there a couple times a week for date night. When we came in, after not being in for a couple months, our regular bar tenders, both did a triple take when they saw me – you know, my sexy baldhead! They were both so kind and we all agreed it had been far too long since we last saw each other! For Curtis and me, we were finally experience “normal” for about an hour, it was nice. I miss the little things –

Christina's 6th Chemotherapy Session

I feel as though my crying spells are not as often and I am regaining some footing again. Yes, I am still sad that this cancer continues to hold on – but I am trying to focus my energy on getting well and saying a big huge Fuck You to the statistics and reports that I am terminal. I have much more to do and remain determined to continue living a life that is positive, filled with love, authenticity, strength, and determination. I am finding strength from many places – a place that consistently lifts my spirits is the letters and card that are being delivered to my mailbox daily. I absolutely love writing back and forth. I may not recall what I write – but that is what makes it even more special. There are times when my tears are left on the paper of the letters I write, and this is okay. There are times when I forget words in sentences, repeat myself, go off on strange rants, share the depths of my pain, and when I am leaving a whole lot of real talk on the paper. I appreciate everyone that is writing and sharing with me – this is so therapeutic, it seems like on both sides. Thank you for accepting my writing, my pain, my silliness, my words, just as they are. I hope that my words touch your heart as your words touch mine.

I want to tell everyone how lucky I am to have a devoted spouse, Curtis. He takes care of me as though I am a queen – I love it! He makes me breakfast, he has taken over a majority of the domesticated duties I typically do. He takes care of me without complaining – he loves me deeply and I can feel it during any interaction he and I have. I am lucky. Do you know there are a large percentage of men that leave their wives when the wife is diagnosed with a chronic or terminal illness? Well not my sweet Curtis; He loves me even more – I am so lucky! I love him forever.

It is not often that you find individuals that give of themselves, without expectation of something in return. For example, Mandi Schwendiman with Albany Acupuncture (Albany, Oregon) has been treating me weekly without expectation, for many months, because she cares about me and is with me on this journey. Similarly, Rita Baxter with Shamana Massage (Eugene, Oregon) came to my home this week to do an in-home massage. Rita then offered to travel to my home weekly to provide a massage to me, without expectation. I am filled with gratitude that these two women are using their healing gifts to make me more comfortable, without charging a fee. If you feel inclined to offer monetary assistance, to Rita who will be traveling from Eugene weekly or Mandi,  I encourage you to offer a heart donate in their name and mail it to my address and I will pass it along to them. Or contact them directly.

Albany Acupuncture Clinic
Mandi Schwendiman
(541) 928-2171
 

                                                                                                 

Rita Baxter
Shamana Massage
Phone:(541) 689-0918

I am surrounded by so many that individuals that love me – I am a lucky lady. I feel as though I am finally getting back to my better positive self. Even though it is rough right now, I know I can continue to Thrive despite all these speed bumps because I am surrounded by so many that believe in me. Please keep writing those letters and encouraging me – it truly makes a huge difference to my spirit.

Please keep sending letters to:

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Please support our fundraising efforts:

http://www.gofundme.com/christinagarrett

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/tk5b/christina-s-end-of-life-wishes

Today, I am hopeful~

Cry Christina Cry Day~

Yesterday, I was home alone for the first time in a very long time; Curtis was at work and Jackson at school. For a majority of the day, I cried. No seriously, I cried most of the day. I cried about everything that was on my heart. I cried because I was sad, unhappy, feeling helpless and hopeless. I was fatigued like never before, body ached beyond words – deep bone aches. It was painful to think about my life and imagine what the next steps were; they all seemed to be leaning in a downward direction of grave discomfort. I was sad and for whatever reason could not find my footing to support myself to get beyond this painful and hurtful space I was in. This chemotherapy treatment of three weeks on, one week off is not sustainable for much longer – I state this as I am in the middle of cycle 2 infusion 2. I have not cried so hard nor felt the depth of pain that arose as I cried. Crying is one way to literally refresh oneself – It can be seen as a way to off load unnecessary burden that is weighting one down. Yesterday was a dark day for me. I felt paralyzed in my pain. I was not sure how to become unstuck. I reached out to a few individuals, via text, to share my current condition. I am not sure what I was hoping in reply other than to validate my feelings assuring me this was totally normal.

When Curtis arrived home from work, he walked in to see a sad wifey curled up on the sofa. My husband loves me so much, it is amazing. We both talked and cried together – then we moved forward. This morning, my husband made me the most thoughtful wall hanging, brought me breakfast in bed, and cleaned the house! See – I have an AWESOME husband. I love you Curtis and know that I could not be walking this journey the way I am without you by my side; you are my strength, biggest fan, and love me deeply.

I have four brothers, 1 older the rest younger. This illness I carry, breaks my brothers’ hearts. As adults, they have developed soft tender souls and spirits – especially for their sister. I like to tease them – “you are all just a bunch of pussies!” Walking this journey of cancer for over four years, some of my brothers have difficulty even looking me in the eye, because they begin to cry – they love me and cannot imagine this is really happening. My oldest brother David is perhaps the worst offender. Very little eye contact or the tears will begin to flow. I find this quite lovely and it touches my heart in a special place. Well, yesterday as I established Cry Christina Cry day – I send David a text. Now keep in mind, he and I rarely directly communicate, it is typically through his wife, so this was special. I poured out my broken heart to him and waited for a response. I am not sure why I chose him, but I followed my intuition. Below is what he wrote back:

From: David

To: Christina

To It hurts my heart you are feeling weak and broken. Not so much the feeling the physical side of things but the mental and emotional part. At this point short of praying I don't think there's much i can do to impact anything physical. As far as the mental part goes I have a better chance....maybe. I fully acknowledge my experiences on which I base my thoughts pale in comparison to what you are dealing with. These are more like principles I guess. Hopefully they'll extrapolate into something useful for you. It's always hardest when we feel alone to try and be optimistic. Then The discouragement sets in  which uses up all our mental resources so instead of focusing on the things that can bring us peace we get into a spiral of doom. Frankly as you have battled this fucking disease I have focused praying for you and your family to have peace. Maybe it's because of the  things I'm exposed to at work, maybe it's because of my level of faith that God has a plan for us that we sometimes can't understand. I know more than anything else I wish for peace. Not the war type of peace but that calmness which comes when we clearly see the truly important things. If we focus on those things our perspective changes. Things that are just things become less of a focus. I know your body may be broken and betraying you but I don't think your soul is broken. When we have peace our bodies gain strength and else end up doing better. Hopefully that helps or at least doesn't make anything worse. I will keep praying. Let me know what you want or need. I love you and am totally flabbergasted by How you've faced this challenge.  (David Morse, 2015)

After carefully reading each word – searching for something that would help me in this moment of being lost…there it was! What he wrote was perfect; it was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. He was right – my soul is not broke, but yes, my body was failing me. I believe with every piece of my being that there are no accidents in our lives. I know that my intuition to reach out to David, as ridiculous as I thought of the idea at the time – because he has mastered avoidance like nobody’s business, he provided me just what I needed. Speak our desires into the universe and she will respond. So to my big brother – thank you for knowing what to say, in the moment I needed it. I love you and know that I see you – and understand that your heart breaks for me. I too know that you believe I have strength to continue to walk this journey with grace – and I intend to do exactly this. Thank you Davey – for loving me and sharing a piece of your heart.

Today was Cycle 2 session 2 – next Thursday will be the last in this cycle. Where my treatment goes from there is up for discussion and plans are being discussed. I must always remember that quality of life is #1 to me – above all else. I am so happy my friend Vicki was by my side and even came over a bit early to see me. Even though I was still in bed, she didn’t think twice and  jumped on into my big bed with tons of pillows and lay there with me as we just chatted prior to my chemo infusion. I love you Vicki Bern – you are a special woman. There are hopefully some new and exciting things to come in the near future – for now, please continue sending positive healing thoughts, energy, and prayers.

Today, I am hopeful~

News Story and Ways to Help our family~

Today was an exciting day for the Garrett Family. After being interviewed by a local news station, KEZI - the piece aired today. Please check out the link to read the story and watch the interview below. 
http://www.kezi.com/news/Local_Couple_looks_to_Reunite_With_Foster_Kids_while_Battling_Illness.html

Our second exciting event is, Curtis' cousin Courtney Montano has created a unique fundraiser through her business, LoopinLizards, to help our family. Please take a look the the link below.
https://www.etsy.com/listing/247241983/





Today, I am hopeful~