Has it really been three weeks already?

As of late, I frequently mention that Warrior Juice has seemingly slowed the natural passage of time.  Yet, it is nearly “that time” again!  I began the big 60 hour fast last evening around 10:30pm; Warrior Juice #2 is scheduled for Tuesday at 10:30am.  In an effort to “get fat,” prior to the upcoming Warrior Juice session, I am pleased to report that I have been successful; I now sit at 128 pounds.  Now, the goal is to not drop below 125 pounds despite the pre-Warrior Juice fasting period. 

You know you are having a fantastical day when:

1.  You have an unassisted – chemical or otherwise induced, bowel movement

2.  Your hair is not falling out in droves leading to a complete shaving of one’s head

3.  Your primary eating utensils do NOT consist of plastic flatware

4.  You can taste the natural essence of each morsel of food placed in one’s mouth

5.  You can form a coherent thought and immediately verbalize said thought

6.  Your head-wrap or wig stays in place absent multiple adjustments

7.  You can continue to be positive and keep a sense of humor in the face of adversity

The big decision has been made; my husband and I will relocate our family back to Oregon following my last Warrior Juice session.  It is important that my family find peace with my diagnosis.  I have undergone a lumpectomy and currently, I am a Warrior Juice recipient; the last session is January 10, 2012.  Within seven – ten days of arriving back in Oregon, I will undergo a double mastectomy and after healing, a series of radiation treatments. 

Living in Texas, since 2007, has been filled with many challenges and achievements.  Curtis and I continued serving as therapeutic foster parents, welcomed nine children into our home since 2007, and formally adopted 16-year-old Carlos earlier this year.  As we look to exit Texas our oldest two sons, Kenneth and Dominic, will remain in Texas to complete their college degrees.  Our younger sons, Carlos (16), Cole (15), and Jackson (12) will travel back to Oregon.  Our experiences in Texas have prepared us to be increasingly dynamic individuals, parents, professionals, advocates, and members of our community. 

Preparations are underway for the big move back home to Oregon.  We have launched a new fundraising/donation website: JourneyThroughBreastCancer  I have been preparing for the big Garage Sale & Fundraiser on Saturday, September 10.  I have never organized a garage sale however; I have to say that my first just may be the most organized in the history of garage sales!  I made special price tags for each item.  Curtis and the boys will move the large sale items outside and sell, sell, sell.  I will be unable to assist with the garage sale as it will only be four days post Warrior Juice #2 and I will be down for the count.  We are hoping for a large turnout and for those who are out of town or unable to stop over, will extend their generosity utilizing the donation website; our goal is to raise $11,000. 

Two fun facts I have learned exclusively because I have cancer –

1.  According the pre-surgery height/weight chart, 

     I AM PERFECT

2.  According to the Women’s Health Boutique, 

     I HAVE A PETITE HEAD

Who knew that a wig fitting could be so fun?  Earlier in the week, I traveled to the Women’s Health Boutique to have my wig fitted to my newly shaved head.  I quickly learned that I have a petite head under my massive mane of hair, requiring some custom adjustments to the new wig.  While the alterations were underway, I proceeded to try on several different wigs in various styles and colors.  Paula H. “made it work” and I walked out with my new hair – I am a Ginger!  I love it.  I should have dyed my hair years ago; talk about green eyes “pop’n” and my freckles…oh so cute.

 I am determined to eradicate cancer FOREVER from my body, despite the not favorable five-year survival statistics.  I remain positive and continue to be amazed by the multitude of beauty when looking beyond the cancer.   

~Today, I am hopeful.

Xina, Warrior Juice Princess...

Today is 14 days post Warrior Juice and I am sporting the new anti-hairdo!  In typical overachiever style, my hair began to fall-out on day 13; the usual hair loss time frame for this type of Warrior Juice is 14 – 17 days.  Monday (August 29, 2011), I was speaking with my husband and I ran my fingers through my hair only to discover a handful of hair cupped in my hand.  I thought huh, that is strange.  I ran my fingers through my hair again…out came more hair.  I started to tear-up and said well, I guess it is that time.  As the family sat around the dinner table, I made an announcement to the boys that my hair was falling-out.  I then removed my bandanna and ran my fingers through my hair; not quite sure, what prompted the demonstrative evidence.  The boys looked mortified!  They kept saying, “Mom, stop pulling your hair out!”  I laughed and continued adding to the pile of hair on the floor exclaiming, “boy’s, I am not pulling it out, it is falling out!”  I next declared that it was time to get out the clippers.  Carlos pleaded with me to wait, “mom you have a lot of hair.”  My response, “yes, I know and this is why I must shave it now or I will be leaving a trail of hair everywhere I travel.”  Carlos remarked, “We will always be able to find you.”  I excused myself from the dinner table and went into the bathroom, set the clippers on the counter, and looked at myself in the mirror; I began to tear-up.  I said aloud, “no, it is time and I will decide when my hair comes off – I choose.”  I turned the clippers on and stated shaving my head.  Curtis and Carlos stood silent and watched.  They had both offered to shave my head; I refused.  It was empowering to shave my head.  Carlos, my apprentice haircutter in the house, made sure I did not miss any spots.  Taking a shower and not having any hair was an odd feeling.  Now, I am sporting the GI Jane look and lov’n it!

Update on my last post – I am pleased to report that after five days of being completely locked-up I successfully evacuated my bowels!  Seriously, I expressed an enormous amount of joy post evacuation through verbal expressions and dance.  LOL~

My mind is quietly returning to some type of normal, either that or I am unknowingly embracing my newfound chemo-brain syndrome.  My memory is not intact fully and, at times, I find it challenging to form a coherent sentence or complete an entire thought.  Nevertheless, I keep on going!  Let me give a shout out to my new visitors for at least the next six months – fatigue, and hot flashes (forced into early menopause).  How awesome is this?  Awe yes, cancer treatments, the gift that keeps on giving.  I have not lost my sense of humor and I remain positive and hopeful.  I continue finding humor as I encounter many unique scenarios.  I drafted the following, in response to one such scenario:

Dear well- intended lady with the pink shoes,

            It was thoughtful and kind that you accompanied your elderly mother to the oncologist office for her warrior juice treatment.  The uninvited interruption into my conversation with a fellow warrior juice recipient (Angela) was interesting.  Apparently, it was overlooked that Angela barely had her footing and was gently swaying back and forth, as she stood in the waiting room.  Her cell counts were low, fatigue was marked, she did not have a companion accompanying her, and chemo-brain was large and in-charge.  Similarly, my fatigue was in full swing and chemo-brain was large and in-charge.

            Your rapid fire verbal rattling of fun facts, with a twist of warnings, rendered the minds of two warrior juice recipients, nearly useless.  You noted that Dr. Oz proclaims, a sweet potato a day keeps the cancer away – if he says something, we need to listen, using morphine to control pain will really mess with your brain, sugar feeds cancer, eat a daily dose of fiber, and eating fresh fruit – not a good choice!  I am quite confident the list is not complete – to that end, I declare chemo-brain.  If my brain could have processed your words at my typical rate of speed, I would have shared the following fun facts, with a twist of warnings with you.

            Shut Up!  For the love of everything holy, shut up!  It is wise to know your audience, warrior juice recipients + oncologist waiting room = Chemo-Brain.  Slow your speech pattern down, way down…you talk entirely too rapid.  Chemotherapy really messes with your brain – a morphine pill, post chemotherapy is not going to further mess it up.  Dial down the fun facts – keep your sweet potato remedy to yourself.  Senekot S, Colace, Miralax, stool softener, liquid poop juice, in addition to one’s daily fiber intake, was necessary to finally take a shit after five days!  Lastly, God gave you two ears and one mouth, take heed.  Enough said.

You really rocked the pink shoes,

Xina, Warrior Juice Princess

            Looking beyond cancer, I observe the beauty that continues to blossom; it is a delightful site.  Vanessa Raanes is an astonishing woman!  She made the most delicious dinner of lasagna, salad, and bread for my husband and children.  She is one of my biggest cheerleaders who naturally will incite smiles and belly laughs.  Vanessa, I love you sista’.  Leslie Brittell is an authentic and loving woman.  She sends me packages filled with handcrafted jewelry – my good-luck earring supplier.  We share a friendship that will forever remain a cornerstone of my foundation.  I love ya sista’ from another mister.  I am a fortunate woman!  To everyone, please know that each word of support on the phone, text message, blog comment, email, voice message, and note is appreciated; your words lift me up and allow me to remain hopeful.  Many thanks for loving and caring about me.  Today, I am hopeful.

Warrior Juice Number One…

I asked Curtis to take my picture prior to departing for my appointment.  I picked out the cutest outfit…I mean it is a first, therefore one must commemorate it with a photo…right?

August 16, 2011 is in my rearview mirror; the date will forever mark the first day of chemotherapy.  Moving forward, when referencing chemotherapy, I am borrowing the verbiage “warrior juice” from a recent supportive email from an exceptionally wise woman; it is much more uplifting than poison or chemotherapy.  This date is an exciting date for two of my sons as well; Kenneth and Carlos obtained their drivers licenses.  Vanessa Raanes, a dear friend picked me up at the Department of Motor Vehicles office, just down the street from my oncologist’s office.  She and I arrived early to my appointment; we sat in the lobby and swapped stories for nearly an hour.  We laughed and we cried.  As my appointment time approached, Curtis and Carlos joined us in the lobby; Carlos presented with the most pure, delightful, and joy filled smile across his face.  Yes, he passed his driving test!  We made our way up the stairs to my appointment. 

Warrior Juice Treatment #1

My blood was drawn to test my blood cell and platelet counts; everything was within normal range therefore we were ready to proceed.  I swallowed an oral anti-nausea and headed back to the warrior juice room where I met Angela.  She is a warrior juice recipient as well.  She has breast cancer and is in her late 40s; she is nearing the end of her treatments.  She was great!  She provided a plethora of information, Real Talk style, and added levity to the pitfalls of the warrior juice.  The Smart Port worked; the nurse flushed my Smart Port and delivered an IV anti-nausea medication.  The nurse prepared my cocktail of warrior juice; I declined the steroids.  First, to be delivered was the Cytoxan followed by the Adriamycin (AKA The Red Devil).  Delivery of the warrior juice was complete by 12 noon.  After consuming four 16-ounce bottles of water, I needed to tinkle.  I was delighted to see that The Red Devil was making its way out of my body so quickly. 

Nearly an hour after arriving home, I began to feel extremely fatigued, dizzy, light-headed, nauseous, and shaky.  I looked at my husband and barely had enough energy to mutter, “I don’t feel so good.”  After fasting for nearly 60 hours, it made sense that I was not feeling well…oh, and the pesky warrior juice!  I was able to consume some food and continued to hydrate myself.  The fatigue was incredibly debilitating.  I would gather enough strength to walk to the bathroom only to find myself unable to wash my hands without collapsing to the bathroom floor from sheer exhaustion.  At one point my husband leaned down and said “Hun, do you know you are lying on the bathroom floor?”  I responded with a weak “yes.”  He asked me if I needed help however, I let him know that I was thinking about getting back into bed, I just needed a minute.  I am unclear how many times he watched me crawl on all fours back to bed.  I felt horrible.  In between taking anti-nausea medication, eating, and going to the bathroom, I slept until the next morning.  My memory of all the events is foggy at best; it was traumatic.

Day #1 Post Warrior Juice

As I awoke, I thought to myself – today is definitely going to be a better day than yesterday.  It was.  I garnered enough strength to take a shower and pull myself together to travel to the oncologist’s office to get my shot of Nuelesta (helps build my white cell count).  I spent nearly an hour trying to evacuate my bowels; it was a slight success.  As the day continued, I remained fatigued.  I developed a headache, which I believe is the culprit for the increased nausea.  I went to sleep around 9:00PM.

Day #2 Post Warrior Juice

I awoke around 10:00AM, my headache had intensified overnight, as did the nausea.  I was extremely fatigued.  My knees and ankles started to ache a bit so I wrapped them with ace bandages to apply some pressure; it relieved the achy feeling.  I was able to eat and continued to hydrate myself.  In the evening, I indulged in a pain medication – hell, I should have done that earlier.  Within a couple hours, my headache and nausea was bearable.  I went to sleep early, around 9:00PM.

By day three, I was feeling much better.  I continued to go to sleep around 9:00PM and wake around 10:00AM.  I remain fatigued but am able to eat and do small tasks for a short time; I tire quickly.  My husband and boys have been terrific!  It is challenging to see mama down for the count however; they seem to be taking it all in stride.  My memory is questionable at this point and I am unclear if I can declare “warrior juice brain” but something has shifted.  Speaking of shifting – I am on day four of being unable to evacuate my bowels.  Already taking Miralax, the doctor has added Senokot-S and Colace to the mix.  Someth’n had better start moving!

Today, I am hopeful.

Live, Laugh, Love ...

Whew, the time has come; chemotherapy begins in approximately 12 hours.  I am unable to put effectively, into words, how I am feeling.  I do know this: I have been fasting since Saturday evening at 9:00 pm, 48 hours and I am hungry!  LOL!  Oh, what I would not do for some fresh cherries, blueberries, raspberries, raw almond, cashews, and a smoked salmon Caesar salad … not all at the same time of course.

Strangely, I do not feel panicked, anticipatory, fearful, nervous, or anxious about tomorrow.  I am clear that I am not in a state of denial but rather a state of acceptance; I have an aggressive form of breast cancer.  Equally, I am embracing the depth of sorrowful emotions I am frequently experience.  Humiliation is the first word that comes to mind as I write.  This cancer is systematically changing the landscape of my physical body.  I told myself, a lumpectomy will only remove the tumors and my breast would remain somewhat in tacked.  Real Talk – When looking in the mirror, there is a quarter of one breast missing, I cry.  I tell myself that the best health choice is to undergo a bilateral mastectomy after chemotherapy.  Real Talk – I weep nearly every time I envision losing my breasts.  I tell myself, hair is only hair…it will grow back.  Real Talk - it does not relieve the sting.  Cancer is cruel.  Treatment is harsh.  The cure is unknown. 

Live, laugh love … I do all three Big, Texas Big!  Too many individuals take life entirely too serious and forget to enjoy life; this includes the highs and lows.  Life is a bit bumpy, if it were smooth, I fear we would all grow bored.  My life may appear chaotic to observers, but I would not have it any other way.  Real Talk.  My life is not chaotic, it is filled with challenges, beauty, compassion, accountability, conflict, growth, and love; every day is a miracle.  I am amazed by the resilient nature of all my children. Triumphs uniquely measure; the enormity matters not, it is progress and worthy of joyful expression.  I love all my children, just where they are at. 

I remain positive and hopeful as I look at the bright side of cancer.  Guess who will not need to shave for about six months?  Yep, me!  No need to worry about blow-drying and styling my hair; I will adorn my baldhead with beautiful scarfs or my foxxy new wig.  Whoop whoop.  There is great beauty when we allow ourselves to look beyond the cancer.  I have fabulous friends, family, and newfound friends whom offer support, love, care, compassion, encouragement, kind words, and thoughtful expressions.  I am fortunate.  Today, I am hopeful.

The date is set…

August 16, 2011 is the day the chemotherapy will begin.  As The Date approaches, I find it increasingly challenging to accept this cancer.  It was an incredible blow, to hear a doctor inform me that I have an aggressive form of breast cancer; it carries a poor five-year survival rate.  For my boys, the reality that mom has cancer is beginning to resonate.  When I look into their eyes, I see fear, a sense of helplessness, disbelief, and sadness with a twist of lingering denial that mom has cancer.  Real Talk, my appearance is going to change – my hair will begin to fallout in two–three weeks and my energy level will decline.  My intention is not to be afflicted with all the other nasty side effects of chemotherapy.  At times, the night is rough and filled with many emotions.  My sadness is deep and my emotions raw.  I know my children hear me painfully weeping; “I just want this to go away!”  This is tough. 

I remain hopeful and positive despite my amplified crying person status; my sense of humor seems to be undergoing an amplification of its own!  For example, as I climbed up onto the acupuncturist treatment table and began to roll-up my pant legs, I began apologizing for the overgrowth of hair on my legs.  I remarked, “I can’t shave my legs with a regular razor and the electric ones don’t get the job done – it’s only going to get worse!”  She kindly smiled; I then remarked, “Wait a minute, my hair is going to fall out…never mind, my legs are going to be smooth before you know it!”  She giggled.  Another example, spanning the last five days, I declared, “I need to get fat!”  Who would have thought?  As with most things, this ideological goal is three pronged – enjoy spicy food prior to chemotherapy, gain a few pounds that I could shed without falling to low in weight, and enjoy the taste of food before it alters.  My best efforts have failed to add the poundage I was looking to achieve…dang it all.  Gave it a good whirl though. 

Western medicine offers surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation to treat TNBC.  The End.  Out of necessity, I preformed exhaustive research to design thoughtfully, my personal integrated modality toolkit.

1.  Chemotherapy:  Cytoxan and Adriamycin AKA The Red Devil – four course every three weeks followed by Taxotere every three weeks – four courses. 

2.  Fasting, consuming water and perhaps fruit juice, 48 – 60 hours prior to chemotherapy followed by fasting 24 hours post chemotherapy.

3.  Daily supplements: Nature’s Immune Stimulator, Suma, Vitamin E Complete with Selenium, and Vitamin D3.

4.  Weekly acupuncture

5.  Weekly Dahn Yoga energy work, meditation, relaxation, and breathing training

6.  Daily positive affirmations

7.  Writing

There you have it!  I am ready to conquer this TNBC.  I want to live.  I need to live.  I am at peace, each kind word, thoughtful act, unknowing smile, card, meaningful text, voice-mail, emails, and blog postings received by those around me, truly lift me up when I am emotionally and physically fragile.  Many thanks for the overwhelming love, support, and encouragement.  Today, I am hopeful. 

Officially overwhelmed…

My capacity to balance effectively the string of “not so good news” with positive thoughts and optimism has far surpassed it bounds.  I am on day number three of an emotionally draining and thought provoking mood; I have begun to ask why.  Last night as I sobbed uncontrollably, I expressed to my husband that I was pissed…this triple negative breast cancer, TNBC makes absolutely no sense!  Cancer is a humiliating and unusually cruel creature – I must choose to pump poison through my veins; I do not know if the poison will kill any residual cancer cells.  What I do know is that the good healthy cells will be annihilated.  My hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes will crumble due to the toxic poison, and finally I must have body parts chopped off.  Why?  Why is this happening; I am 5’3 124 pounds, exercise regularly, and eat healthy [pesco-vegetarian].  I would not wish this disease on my least favorite individual in this world.  The cruelty is multi-pronged; primarily, in this moment, my thoughts focus on the ways in which cancer will change the intimacy between my husband and me. 

My husband would love, adore, and declare me to be the most beautiful woman no matter how many body parts are missing; I know this to be true without question.  His support and love is unending.  He is patient, comforting, encouraging, loving, and supportive.  He always tells me “you are doing a great job babe!”  He sits with me when I erupt into unbridled raw emotion.  When I awake at night and cannot sleep, I reach to hold his hand and he gently squeezes back.  He sees my pain and my fears.  Words are not necessary for him to know my heart; he looks into my eyes and somehow he just knows.     

I believe that nothing happens by accident.  One of my sons just collected the mail and I received two packages and letter.  Prior to moving to Texas, Curtis and I lived across the street from the best neighbors ever, a retired couple, Dick and Bobbie Barnhouse.  They sent me two b-dazzled baseball caps to wear once my hair falls out.  This made me smile.  The next package was from my little brother Sammy (Sam).  Knowing I was more distressed about losing my eyebrows then losing my hair, he found an online company that sells 100% human hair stick-on eyebrows!  Yep, you guessed it; I just peeked at the new eyebrows.  This made me giggle.  The card was from a dear friend offering words of encouragement and reminded me of how strong and positive I am.  She gently reminds me that I am not alone in this journey.  This made me tear-up.  This is the beauty beyond the cancer that I always write about!

It is okay, that at times, I have reached the capacity to cope and become overwhelmed.  TNBC is overwhelming!  I may need to heed my words – “I would be a concerned if you were not a bit overwhelmed at times!”  LOL!  Cancer sucks, oh yes it does.  However, what is so incredibly beautiful is that with the support of those who love me, I am free to grieve that I have cancer.  This is okay, it is perfectly normal and expected.  I AM officially overwhelmed yet I move through this in order to acknowledge; today, I am hopeful.  

The weirdo trifecta...

Today feels uncomfortable, but not in the traditional way, one would envision discomfort.  I did not sleep well last evening and when I finally dosed-off around 4:00 am I continuously awoke myself as I kept talking in my sleep.  My mood is unexpected, eccentric at times, and disquieting; a weirdo trifecta I would rather not revisit.  To express it in the most simplistic and perhaps irreverent terms – physically I feel good with only slight discomfort from the surgery [AKA quarter breast chop chop] and insertion of the porta-catheter.  Yet, I am in this chemotherapy countdown mode, the day I willingly inject poison into my body.  I understand and am aware that something really bad and ugly is about to happen, each day brings me closer to this dreadful place I would rather run away from.  Awe yes, THIS is the not so pretty side of triple negative breast cancer!

I choose not to linger too long in the weirdo trifecta, as this is a temporary stopping point not a chosen destination.  My belief system includes the ideology that nothing happens by accident.  A dear friend called just at the right moment and we laughed together, solved the problems of the world, expressed our mutual appreciation for our friendship, and spoke of many outrageous ideas bringing us to unbridled laughter.  A sweet text message from one of my son’s former girlfriends touched my heart.  Ironically, my phone just alerted me that a text message awaits me … it reads, “When my sister came back from chemo, she always felt like shit!”  LOL!!!  My response “awesome, great news, LOL” Oh dear … that is the way it is folks; the good, the bad, and the ugly side of cancer.  I find that having a good sense of humor even through these difficult times, keeps me laughing, positive, and reminds me to look beyond the cancer to see the beauty that is blooming around me.  Today, I am hopeful. 

The healing begins, in more than one way...

As I compose this blog, I am sipping on the ever so delicious poo poo juice [magnesium citrate] in the hopes my bowels will commence with evacuation immediately!  I am unclear which of the trifecta is most uncomfortable: the whole body fluid retention, inability to get the bowels moving, or the surgery site pain.

The morning of surgery Pam Kress with TOPS Comprehensive Breast Center greeted me with a twinkle in her eye and a comforting smile.  TOPS nurse, Afsoneh is a woman that is small in stature who radiates compassion, love, and encouragement in infinite volumes.  She gently embraces me telling me she has a good feeling about all this and that she prayed for me on this morning.  At one point, she hands me a small card housing a Wish Token – a silver heart shaped metal token with an angel embossed on one side and the words never lose hope on the other.  Afsoneh tells me she was thinking of me and wanted me to have the Wish Token.  She is an incredibly kind woman. 

The eviction process is complete; the pre-eviction process was a whole lot of OUCH!  Insertion of small wires into the tumors resembled a game of keep away, as the tumors dodged the wires.  After the wires were firmly in place, I was treated to another mammogram…OUCH!  Finally, the tumor extraction occurred as I delightfully slumbered.  The doctor removed a large section of my breast; the good news is that the implant remains intact, forming the breast mound.  I am at home and doing well, although a bit sore.  The porta-catheter is in place; a small incision was made by my collarbone, with a larger one adjacent to my armpit.  The SMART PORT (official name) is visible by way of a small bump beneath the skin.  It is very tender…OUCH!     

My Healing Mantra – I repeat this several times throughout the day and during meditation

I know my thoughts and my mind are powerful.  My mind is telling my body to heal itself, to adjust back into balance.  Right now, my body is working to bring itself into balance.  My body knows exactly how to achieve this.  My healthy cells are gobbling-up the cancer cells and expelling them from my body.  My body is adjusting back into balance. 

My Inner Personal Healing

Earlier in the week, while visiting the chiropractor’s office, I lay face down on the table with electrodes connected to my lower back.  Relaxing music was playing in the background of the darkened peaceful room.  Repeatedly, I began quietly whispering my healing mantra.  After several minutes, I found myself delving into a deep emotional state of self-compassion for my childhood suffering; and the anguish that was left unnoticed and silenced.  I then began speaking, with great clarity, to the child who was not seen.  She sat in a plum tree, her bare feet dangled from a tree branch.  There was deep sadness and sorrow in her emerald eyes.  I understood because she is a part of me.  I spoke words of encouragement to her and reassured her of her talents and gifts.  I spoke these words repeatedly:

“I see you!”

“I apologize that these things are happening to you.”

“Your pain and sadness is real; I hear you.”

“You are loveable and worthy.”

“Your strength is unwavering; you stand firmly in your truth.”

“I see you and understand.”

This was a powerful moment for me and very unexpected yet freeing!  I am on a personal journey seeking authentic peace, happiness, and life.  It is ironic that the path to self-discovery and enlightenment continues to take me back to a familiar place: me as a child who was not seen.  Many years ago, I accepted and came to peace with childhood trauma and suffering at the hands of others.  What I did not realize was that the healing was not complete; I needed to reach deep within myself to find the child that suffers within and to begin healing these residual wounds.  This moment came with great clarity and the setting was defined; I wanted to document the experience.  I enlisted the assistance of my artistic son who expeditiously sketched a pencil line drawing of the setting I explain to him.  He eloquently captured the moment in his drawing.  I have the drawing framed on my desk with a bright yellow star attached to the frame that reads, “I see you!” 

And the healing begins.  Today, I am hopeful.

Cloaked in the love, support, and care of those around me…

Theme song is set – Everybody Hurts by Tina Arena 

When the day is long, and the night, 
The night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, 
Well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 
'Cause everybody cries 
And everybody hurts 
Sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong 
Now it's time to sing along
Hold on, hold on, hold on

When your day is night alone,
If you feel like letting go 

When you think you've had too much of this life, 
Well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. 
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. 
Don't throw your hand, Oh, no
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, 
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, 
The days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life 
To hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. 
And everybody hurts 
Sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. 
So, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. 
You are not alone 

Today, I am hopeful.  At long last, I received favorable news from my beloved surgeon; the BRCA 1 & 2 test is normal and the PET scan did not indicate the cancer has taken-up residency in various locations in my body.  There was a bit of a concern after a telephone call from the surgeon last evening; two blood tests revealed elevated numbers that may signal the cancer is moving along to other areas.  For now, the cancer is enjoying my right breast and has actually created yet another mass … in case you are counting, [I am] that makes four!  Thankfully, my right breast is an incredible hostess; the cancer is satisfied and comfortable.  Tomorrow morning at 6:00 AM central time, the cancer will be served an eviction notice.  A pre-surgery procedure will ensue to place a thin wire through my breast tissue and into the collective masses slated for eviction.  Followed by the official extraction to begin at 9:00 AM; at which time the masses will be forcibly removed from the premises.  Therefore, with a giant kiss I bid you [cancer] farewell; now get the hell out of here and never come back!  The End

Ready or not, here I come…

Ironically, as I write each blog, I contemplate a potential theme song to accompany my words; I am going to let this idea simmer a bit!  Watch-out cancer...I am about to obliterate your ass…seriously, Real Talk!  According to my oncologist, here is the plan:

Lumpectomy Surgery July 27

Follow-up appointment August 10

Begin Chemotherapy the week of August 15 for six months

Radiation to follow – not sure the length of treatment

The surgery on Wednesday will remove, with clean edges, all three masses in the right breast and will keep the breast intact.  In all fairness, the left breast will not be left out; the chemotherapy porta-catheter will be installed on the upper portion of the left breast.  For two weeks, my body will heal from surgery and I will continue to prepare for chemotherapy to begin.  In fact, on Saturday July 23, 2011 I took the first preparation step and cut my locks off [15 inches] that were donated to Locks of Love.  For about six weeks, I will be rock’n my fierce new cut; then bald will be beautiful.  When my hair begins to fall out, my boys plan to shave my head.  Some women are stunning with a baldhead and I was thinking …yep, I got this one until I realized there is a genetic wanky flat spot near the top of the back of my skull.  I say genetic wanky because I have visual confirmation that at least one sibling has the exact same flat spot!  Just to be sure, I did make an inquiry with my hairdresser who confirmed said wanky flatness.  Dang it all…..

Chemotherapy will occur every three weeks and sessions will last two-three hours.  As it stands now, the first four courses will consist of Cytoxan and Adriamycin AKA The Red Devil.  How awesome is it that Adriamycin is red in color, so much, so that one will urinate red or orange for up to 72 hours post chemotherapy.  Yes, I know you are jealous.  The red urine is not to be confused with potential blood in your urine [classic bladder infection] that the Cytoxan has the propensity to deliver.  Awe, so many delightfully little gifts.  The day after chemotherapy, I will return to the oncologist’s office to get a shot of Neulasta – to help boost the production of white cells.  I could recount all the super fantastical side effects of these medications; simply put, they all suck big time.  Real Talk.  After completing four courses of these medications, I will move onto Taxotere every three weeks – four courses. 

Confession time:  I am going to put this out into the universe again.  I secretly am hoping that the radiologist reading my PET scan on July 25, 2011 is befuddled beyond words, and declares, “She does not have cancer!”

Real talk here.  I am approaching my journey through cancer holistically.  In other words, integrated medicine – western medicine in conjunction with alternative modalities.  The mind, body, spirit connection is significant to bringing my body back into balance.  Since my breast cancer diagnosis on July 7, 2011 I have learned many incredible lessons, surrendered my full metal jacket, continue to practice receiving freely, and have embarked on a journey of self-discovery.  Oddly, I feel a sense of being at peace with my diagnosis, most of the time.  This is freeing; I remain hopeful, positive, and open.  Undeniably, having an aggressive breast cancer sucks ass.  But there is something beautiful and positive that is happening around me and I have a front row seat to these wonders.  Breast cancer is simply the catalyst for these marvels to unfold and develop.  Real Talk, how awesome is that?  Love it.  Right now, I feel authentically more loved, supported, and cared for then any time in my life.  It took cancer for me to surrender and receive; thank you for allowing me a safe place to expose my vulnerabilities.  Today, I am hopeful. 

Some things are meant to be~

So, today was the big decision day, in theory.  First appointment of the day was to meet the oncologist, then collaborate with a nurse navigator, and finally attend a pre-op appointment.  Within minutes of meeting the oncologists nurse, I knew this was not going work for me.  I gently encouraged Curtis to leave the exam room to contact the surgeon to let him know we need to move to plan B.  As we departed the oncologist’s office, I was in a full-on panic.  I did not have a shred of confidence that she would help me live.  I later learned the results of my MRI, it revealed a third mass.  It appears even the cancer in my breast is an overachiever.....

Enter my Dream Team: Pam Kress, nurse navigator and Dr. Phillip Sutton, surgeon, immediately calmed my panic.  You know that saying, “right place, right time”, well it materialized in an enormous and unexpected way today!  It was an amazing turn of events.  An oncologist was consulting with the surgeon at his office; Curtis and I were invited to come and meet her.  Unfortunately she turned out not to be in our medical insurance network of physicians.  However, she generously offered to review my case and consult with her esteemed colleague, at no charge, to develop a treatment recommendation for me!  She further offered to continue consulting with the new oncologist!  AMAZING does not even begin to describe this turn of events.  It is not often that we meet individuals who become personally invested, or what I refer to as, dialed into their patients.  Next stop, pre-op appointment; the nurse was a native Oregonian from Coos Bay.  Her spirit emitted kindness, compassion, a desire to go above and beyond with a twist of Oregon love.  Equally, the group of women in the surgery center lab brought a joyful giggle to me and engaged in comforting conversation.  Finally, while I awaited a chest x-ray, I had the opportunity to converse with a remarkable woman who shared her journey.  As we spoke, we instantly connected!

On the ride home, I remarked to Curtis how comforting it is to be surrounded by so many individuals who are invested in my health and me.  Who concretely and authentically desire a positive outcome for my journey through breast cancer.  Friends, family, and complete strangers are fighting the good fight with me!  The encouraging, kind, and heartfelt words from everyone create a positive environment and I thank you for this.  Today was a fantastical day.  I am hopeful.

Awe yes, a bit of levity in the face of cancer~

As predicted yesterday, an irreverent accounting of today’s glorious events is about to unfold!  Not to worry, I did manage to represent, loud and proud, my new-found status as a crying person.  Oddly, it suites me.  Memorial Herman Hospital hosted my bilateral breast MRI today; it was extraordinarily special and surprises were plentiful.  While finalizing paperwork and checking in, SURPRISE, we shall inject your veins with a special dye that will aluminate during imaging.  Okay?!?  While changing into the gown/robe/pant apparatus I paused and said out loud “not sure how this is supposed to work!”  Holding my pants up, trying to keep body parts from flying out, I made my way to the imaging room.  Two steps into the room I stopped, looked at the imaging machine, looked at the nurse, looked back at the imaging machine set-up, and back at the nurse.  Alrighty then, atop the table sat, what is best described as, this miniature podium with two holes cut in the top.  Nah, it could not be that I must drop my breasts into the two holes, SURPRISE, you shall!  Beautiful?!?  Although I wore earplugs and sound blocking headphones, the machine radiated shockingly loud clunking noises that at one point, sounded like chaotic boisterous chanting.  Nearing completion of the 60 minute MRI, I became a crying person; the reality and seriousness of my cancer overwhelmed me.  The nurses pulled me out of the machine and I attempted to concurrently sit-up while holding the blanket by my face; I was a hot mess.  Note to self, next time you need to break down, consider that you are lying face down on the table and cannot move. 

On a more serious note, the oncologist that my surgeon referred me to is out-of-network and the insurance company denied the surgeon and primary physician’s requests for her to treat me post-surgery.  Curtis made a valiant and persuasive effort with his employer to allow a change to the insurance policy; the insurance company would remain the same it would be a small policy shift.  Despite his efforts, the employer would not budge.  On to plan B.  My primary care physician made a referral to an oncologist and the appointment is at 10:00 tomorrow morning (7/21/2011).  Tomorrow is the first big decision day; treatment decisions will be made based on the test results that are currently available. 

Confession time:  I secretly am hoping that the radiologist is reading my MRI film, befuddled beyond words, and declares, “She does not have cancer!”   

**I added a couple tabs at the top of the Home page where additional information is available and will be updated regularly.  Today was a good day, I am hopeful.

Steel Metal Jacket is off….

Recently I was reminded of my inherent need to protect those around me by shielding them from sorrow, miss-steps, hurt, anger, and unjust situations.  But at what cost?  The season has arrived to observe the lessons taught to my children, in action.  I must remove my steel metal jacket....it is off! Provided the opportunity, I see glimpses of boundless compassion and the desire to care for their mama.  Often I discover my happiness, joy, and personal rewards when witnessing my sons applying life lesson I have taught them.  Equally, I am blessed with a husband that adores me, just as I am and children who love me despite no biological connection.  This makes our mama son relationship just a touch more special. 

Confession time: As of late I have been deep in thought and yes, I am taking my place as, what I refer to as, a crying person!  [At times, my vernacular is plentiful with Christina’isms – from real talk, hot mess, and crying person there is more to come.]  Unable to sleep last evening I thought it wise to engross myself in three hours of cancer research reading; not a wise choice.  The time was 4:30’ish AM when I decided to close my eyes; I intended to relax my mind and enjoy a moment of peaceful slumber.  This did not happen.  I was frightened, felt a complete loss of control, and a panicked sense of absolute helplessness.  In my lifetime, I have never felt so lost and unsure how to regain my emotions.  My husband Curtis comforted me, was incredibly gentle, and compassionately understanding.  Setting the tone for day, I surrendered to my newfound status as a crying person.  The outpouring of love, thoughtful words, unexpected support, and genuine empathy overwhelms my heart.  I feel loved, encouraged, and supported.  I am a determined and self-sufficient woman who is learning to receive; this is far removed from my traditional gift of giving.  I am optimistic, I want to live, and I need to live.  Your comments feed my mind, body, and spirit.  Many thanks to feedback, private messages, note cards, donations, and telephone calls.  This is what it is all about, being surrounded by caring individuals.  MRI is scheduled in the morning, I have a feeling something irreverent is on the horizon.  <3 Christina 

The journey begins......

You have breast cancer; hearing these words robbed my lungs of breathe.  I am a wife, the mother to 16 teenagers – five currently living in the home, and me’ma to a grandbaby; I want to live, I need to live.  Please join me as I chronicle my journey through breast cancer, the triumphs, and struggles written from the heart using what I call Real Talk.  Real Talk (RT) will expose painful emotions, the not so pretty side of cancer, irreverent humor, the need for laughter, and the journey of self-discovery.  Choosing to share this journey with others is beyond difficult.  I am a private person.  I am the caretaker.  I am the problem solver.  I am the one who cleans-up the messes.  I am the one who supports.  I am the one who advocates.  Nevertheless, today, I surrender and acknowledge that now is my time to receive your support, love, and care.  


Not all breast cancers are the same; regretfully my type of breast cancer (diagnosis) is perhaps the least favorable type.  Within three weeks from today’s date (7/19/2011) all results will be in – MRI, mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy pathology, PET scan, lumpectomy pathology, BRCA 1&2, and blood tests.  The next step is for my medical team to create a treatment roadmap to kick this cancers ass!

Diagnosis - Triple negative (TNBC) infiltrating ducal carcinoma (IDC) breast cancer.

Description – IDC is the most common form of breast cancer and starts in the milk ducts, the tumor ruptures the duct, and the tumor invades the surrounding breast tissue (infiltrate).  TNBC typically affects premenopausal women, the tumors are aggressive, and frequently metastasize in other parts of the body.  These TNBC tumors share three specific characteristics – no estrogen receptor, no progesterone receptor, and are HER-2neu negative.  The lack of these receptors means the tumor will not respond to oral medications; this is where treatment options become limited to surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy.