50% to 75%, it is a bit rough

My friend Tanya and I prior to infusion.

I am enjoying this week, I am in the off week cycle of chemotherapy; three weeks on, one week off. The first two infusions I chose to do low dose chemotherapy at 50%, then the third, I chose to increase to 75%. I was comfortable with 50% and I was functioning quite well, minus the day after the infusion – Fridays were my say something crazy day! I chose to increase the dosing to 75% due to increased inflammation and pain that was emitting from the mass in my arm pit. The growth is beginning to look like a third breast it is so large and the pain continues to be around a 7/8. There is something about pain that psychologically can bring you to your knees, I must be diligent to apply positive self-talk, self-care practices, and processing of all the emotions that fade in and out. I am being diligent to remain positive and hopeful. 

After infustion. 

My energy level is decreasing and I am now napping regularly in the afternoons, it has become part of my new routine. My body is tired and needs rest in order to continue healing. The rash that appeared last year after a few infusions of chemotherapy has returned on my knees and elbows. I think what a strange place to get a rash - I too wonder why there? I am sure someone has a theory or two. I leave myself notes and make hand written lists of things I need to do as my memory recall is drifting away. I often laugh when Curtis asks me where I have been and I can’t recall, so we head out to my car to see where I ran errands to and what I picked up. Upon one look we learned

I had purchased some plants for the yard along with a couple household items from Target.

I was pleased to have some letters arrive from my writings pals. The trick now is to figure out what hurts less, to write by hand or type; I may have to get even more creative. I did receive a letter that contained many questions directed at me. I am still processing how I feel about this -there were about 8-10 questions folded into the typed letter. I was a bit taken back, but I am not quite sure why. My first thought was that I do not know this person very well, but I so admired her when our paths crossed, she is “good people”. The questions made me think that she had read every blog entry I had written, which was flattering. These questions identified that there are dangling pieces of stories in my writings. Why is that? I too thought about the many questions all the readers of my blog must have - but they remain unanswered. I thought too, I am sharing so much of myself and yet you want more? I am still processing as I type. I just reread the typed note. All these questions circulating in her head and her choosing to just go for it and ask me the questions hoping I received them well. They are good questions too. I like it. I like the fact that she just went for it and asked me all these questions she had floating around in her mind for all these months. Many of these questions I do have answers to share while there too may be ones that I leave dangling - I too believe this is okay. This is one of the reasons I have enjoyed writing back and forth with people - there is no time-line or expectation to write a response, although I always do respond. The most striking part of writing, it encourages me to experience life at a deeper level, to push myself to be a better person, to grow in my spirituality, and to live from a place of gratitude. So keep asking me those questions while sharing a piece of yourself - the authenticity of the correspondence thrills me.

My slipping memory is something I accepted a long time ago. I typically don't remember what I write to people, what our telephone conversation was about, or why we laughed so hard we were brought to tears. This is okay. What is rich is that in each moment, there is so much love and an authentic exchange of ideas, that the details can fade away because we all leave feeling better for having that slice of time together. It's actually quite magical, at least for me. 

I recently learned of an oxygen hyperbaric chamber in Eugene, it is not covered by insurance, but I can have access to the treatment! I have scheduled an appointment this week. I am so excited because this modality is medically proven to aid in healing of wounds. The side benefit is that cancer cells cannot live in an oxygen rich environment therefore I will be killing cancer cells while healing the wound. My hope is to utilize the chamber every day for 10 days and then reassess the situation. 

There is quite a bit of assessing and reassessing going on in my life right now, I want to make choices that support bringing my body into balance, from a direction of least resistance, and from a place of love. I am determined to turn away from making decisions and choices based on fear or desperation. I feel pretty good about how things are going; yes, this journey requires patience and I have that. This journey requires positivity and I have that. This journey requires deep spirituality, and I have that. This journey requires being open to receiving, and I have that. More than anything, this journey requires unwavering faith while living from a place of gratitude. Seeing the beauty through the pain, through the struggle, through the tears. I know I have what it takes to walk this journey even when there are many obstacles. I am forever grateful for the amazing family, friends, and others that are walking this journey with me, believing in me and giving me the strength to walk with grace. Thank you. 

Today, I am hopeful~

I continue to utilize alternative modalities in combination with western medicine, a majority of which is not covered by medical insurance. If you would like to offer financial support you can mail donations to the address listed below or make a direct donation at your local Selco Credit Union. Every dollar donated goes directly towards my treatment.

Mailing donations:

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Selco Credit Union Direct Deposit: "Team Christina"

Life is Good

Last rent check ever!

There is much to share that has occurred over the past few weeks. Curtis and I are the proud new owners of our forever home. We have been renting homes since returning to Oregon in 2011. When I was diagnosed with cancer nearly five years ago, we were living in Texas and we wanted to get “back home” to Oregon. We placed our Texas home for sale, unfortunately, this was around the time the housing crisis hit Texas. In the end, we were forced to short-sale our home, cut our loses and do whatever it took to get back to Oregon. We imagined renting for many years until I regained my health and saved money, then we could purchase a home. However, this turned out not to be the case.

When I was very ill last year, I applied for disability and eventually was approved. One day when I was reviewing my banking account, I noticed a large sum of money had been deposited into the account – the source was social security disability. I later learned that I was eligible to receive back payment of benefits – yippee! My first thought was to call my friend David who owns a mortgage business to see if we could get approved for a home loan; we had this lump sum of money that could be used as a down payment. I called David on a Thursday, gathered up all the necessary documents he needed to send through underwriting for approval, dropped the documents off Friday morning and by Friday afternoon learned we were approved for a home loan! We could not believe it; it was like a miracle of goodness was happening for our family. By the following Friday, Curtis and I had found the perfect gem of a home listed for sale by a local builder, we made an offer and it was accepted. No more renting for us, our money now will be put toward our own home. As it turns out, the amount of money needed for the down payment on our new home, closely matched the amount of money received from my retroactive disability payment. Seriously, this is such a blessing; a home to call our own where I can nest, create my perfect Zen retreat where I will regain my health.

We have moved into our new home and everything is organized and put together. I absolutely love my new home – it embodies peace, positive energy, and healing. I cannot stop smiling, there is such an eagerness to have a space to call my own, one where I know I will be poised to regain my health. Our family was able to move with such ease because we have many wonderful friends that offered to help with the move, cleaning of the rental home, and unpacking our current home. Curtis and I are filled with gratitude by the outpouring of love and support from the incredible individuals in our lives.

My health has been interesting since returning from Germany. While I was making progress in holding back the cancer cell grow in Germany, not having access to the drugs upon my return, through my body into a tail spin of sorts. I have found a way to access one of the medications by having it shipped from overseas, however it is very expensive so although I still have a small amount of the injectable medication, I am not able to take it at the recommended dosage. But you know, we have to work with what we have so I have found some creative ways to utilize herbs and plants to garner some forms of medication. For example, Laetrile is a cancer fighting agent banned in the US. One can access Laetrile overseas and I was being treated successfully with the drug while in Germany. Laetrile is compounded from apricot seeds; therefore, I located a supplier of the seeds and am able to ingest the bitter seeds daily. I too have added a new supplement recommended by acupuncturist that is compounded by a local Oregon man. Is what I am doing working, who knows! What I do know is that I have energy and am feeling pretty well. Quality of life is critical and I have a lovely quality of life.

The other side of the post Germany treatment is that I have had an extreme upswing in tumor marker counts along with the mass, located in my arm pit, growing alarmingly large and increasingly uncomfortable. The mass was slightly weeping and was about to ulcerate, kind of where I was last year this time except for much worse. After much consideration, I decided that utilizing low dose chemotherapy, in conjunction with my other modalities is the best decision for my body. I have now had two infusions of chemotherapy at 50% the regular dose – this is what low dose means. My infusion day is Thursdays. The recovery is doable thus far. The day after the infusion I am a bit out of my mind. I say lots of crazy strange things that no one understands; I too am incredibly tired and cannot keep my eyes open. However, by Saturday I seem to be back with it and ready to resume living. The cycle for chemotherapy is weekly for three weeks then one week off. I have decided that this week’s infusion will be at 75% rather than 50%. The mass in my axillary region causes a great deal of pain and discomfort, my hope is that with the increased dosing, it will speed the healing process while still being gentle to my body. After a week of no chemotherapy, I will need to reassess my condition and figure out what is best for my body. Low dose chemotherapy seems to be helping a bit. I too am utilizing my infrared sauna as a replacement for hyperthermia a treatment modality I was receiving in Germany.

Chemotherapy infusions have been okay. It is always a challenge to get a good vein for the IV. The second infusion was painful with a few additional pokes – that’s no fun. I am forever dealing with constipation from the morphine I take for pain control, add chemotherapy and I am doubled down on the constipation train! Enemas are a typical event for me. Wednesday night I was telling myself that I needed to have a bowel movement prior to chemotherapy. Well Thursday morning I awoke to an unfamiliar stomach cramping – yes, I do believe I was going to actually poop, for real! Over the next 20 minutes I proceeded to evacuate around 5 feet of fecal matter from my bowels! I clogged our new toilet causing the beginning of “Poop Gate 2016”. Curtis had to sort out the poop mess I made. Our little puppy Bella had some poop stuck to her fur needing Curtis’ attention and then our dog Junior pooped in the rocks instead of the grass. Thank goodness Curtis is such a good sport about all this! Holy Crap – for real for real. Below are some photos, the before and after photos are obvious! 

For now, I am working on finding my groove and settling into my new routine. I love that everything is falling into place making life easier and bringing increased joy into my life. Yes, I am still in a great deal of pain every day, but I choose not to allow this to be a barrier to my happiness. I just keep on going with a smile on my face. Sometimes I have a tender moment where my heart hurts – but this is brief as I am able to look around and see the abundant beauty that surrounds me. Life is good. Please continue to send healing thoughts and prayers my direction as they are needed.

I am missing writing letters; there was a group of individuals that I exchanged letters with frequently but this kind of faded away when I left for Germany. I hope to hear from you all again! It is amazingly cathartic for me to write. I will say that I am increasingly forgetful with the chemotherapy infusions so please do not be offended if I do not recall a conversation – it is my new normal that I fully embrace. Thank you to everyone that continues to love on my family, support us during this journey, and for believing that I will regain my health. I am filled with love and gratitude for having so many dedicated, loving, and authentic family and friends in my life. I am a lucky girl.

Today, I am hopeful~

Meeting life on life’s terms with grace, positivity, hope, and strength~

I am focused on maintaining my health while embracing life on life’s terms. I have been experiencing increased pain and tumor growth in my armpit axillary area, because of this, I have increased my pain medication to mitigate pain. While these changes have lessened pain a bit, I too have added a couple beers a day. I ask myself some days if I am actively developing into an alcoholic – I would prefer to not become an addict during this healing journey, addicted to morphine or alcohol. For now, this combination allows me to continue to function and “do life” without the side effects that additional pain medications would cause. It may seem silly or perhaps reckless but it is working for me and I am able to continue my daily activities absent disruption.

I believe that I am at a critical juncture in my treatment, yet again – actually this is a continuous adventure at every turn. I have made the choice to not undergo any tumor marker testing since returning from Germany. I do not need a test to tell me that there is increased tumor activity, I know there is, I feel it, you can see it, and it is causing great discomfort at times. There are moments of frustration that living in the US means I do not have access to medications that were successfully holding the cancer cells steady and pushing other cancer cells back. There are moments when I feel exhausted from this nearly five-year ordeal. Then there are moments that I am grateful for my circumstances because I never would have grown to be the individual I am today. Let’s just say that I have many moments to consider my current condition and experience fully the positive and challenging aspects of each all of which I come to a place of gratitude.

Since my last post, my dear friend Joel – whom I met at Infusio in Germany, has passed away. He was ready and was at peace. I instantly claimed him as one of my guardian angels, I know he understands my challenges and is guiding me while watching over me. Although I only knew Joel for a short time, there was an instant bond – we shared similar struggles and without words, could gather understanding and empathy. It is difficult being a part of a community where I have friends, that are in various stages of potentially dying. It is interesting the paths each of us have chosen and how varied the psychological impact is uniquely expressed. It makes me thankful for the peace that I feel and the endless hope that resides within the depth of my soul.

I am currently giving myself injections to boost my immune system; I have enough medication (purchased outside the US) to do this for a couple months and am hopeful my body will respond favorably. Of course I have my foundational herbs and supplements I take daily but I too am considering revisiting Rick Simpson Oil (RSO)and chemotherapy. I am not sure if I wrote about my RSO experience, but taking it resulted in one of the most anxiety provoking moments of my life – one that I wish to never experience again. Chemotherapy, well this too results in anxiety – but it is manageable with medication and the side effect of not being able to really remember large chunks of treatment is a gift. I have recently realized that I need to consider revisiting treatments that provoke discomfort to potentially circumvent ulceration of my very active tumor site. Yes, this is a familiar place – similar to the one I was in about 12 months ago. Quality of life is paramount to me and currently my quality of life is suffering due to discomfort.

I enjoyed a fabulous visit to Texas to see friends and family. After returning from a recent visit to Texas, I met with my local oncologist to discuss low dose chemotherapy options and utilizing the hypobaric oxygen chamber for wound care. I have an appointment at the end of the month to be evaluated for the hypobaric chamber, I am hoping I will “qualify”. It is crazy, this treatment would provide comfort and healing to my body yet I have to be “qualified” to use this modality. I too know that it is a long shot for approval but I remain steadfast in pursuing this treatment– the worst they could say is no, and if so, then I shall appeal that no, if needed. When I look at the protruding mass that rests in my armpit, the peak of the growth which sits at the tip of several previous incision site endings, coupled with the deep red redness of the skin, I think it’s a slam dunk that I get approved.  As for the low dose chemotherapy, I am considering doing 75%-50% of the last treatment drug I used, Abraxane, on a weekly cycle, to see if this would provide additional relief as it did last time. I know that my body will not do well with full-on chemotherapy as I did last year – 6 doses nearly killed me, literally. I will continue with my practices and will know within the coming weeks what direction I will chose to go. There are no “I have to” kind of speak for this girl; this is my body and my decision on what will be best for my body.

While I was in Texas, I met with Sharon, my Ayurvedic practitioner. She spoke of me changing the way I speak of my condition and treat the area that is causing discomfort. I learned how to accept this mass as part of my physical body, right now, and ways to love and give attention to that which is causing me great physical pain. Metaphorically, this tumor site can be considered a child that is throwing a temper tantrum needing additional love and attention. Rather than being upset by the tantrum, offer love and acceptance of the condition, after all, it is a part of my physical body. It is quite remarkable, in changing the way I experience this discomfort, it makes my condition palatable. I now gently cup my tumors in my hand and talk to them – I refer to my mass as “My Darling”, I offer comfort, love, and hope. You see I want my entire body to stop seeing this mass as the enemy or something bad, instead I desire my body to seeing My Darling as needing help. I want my body to call in the troops to offer assistance; my entire body system to work in concert, finding that balance and regaining complete health. I need my body to not respond to My Darling as an invader, but rather recognizing that this is a cry for additional support, help, and love. I too am asking myself, what is my path of least resistance and choosing this path.

Is it easy right now? No.  

Am I enjoying life? Yes.

Do I have hope? Always.

This is part of my journey and I continue to learn as I go. At times I stumble, but this is okay. Am I uncomfortable, yes. But there are highlights and my ability to reframe is quite spectacular. For example, not having a bowel movement for about 4 days and needing my husband to give me an enema…again, because I cannot physically get to honey hole – if you know what I mean! What is the bright spot you may ask? Getting to poop – there is nothing quite like it, after being locked up for so long. In these moments, I am reminded that it truly is about the little things in life that bring such great joy. As I sat on the toilet with pure delight during my bowel evacuation, I smiled because I am beyond fortunate to have a spouse that has not abandoned me during this process, that instead has made the choice to lean further into our relationship and love me at a deeper level. Curtis cares for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I know women who are not blessed with a dedicated spouse as I am. So through this all – I am filled with gratitude that Curtis is such an amazing husband.

We do have some big family news, we have added a new member to our family, Bella Mia. She is a Maltese/MiniPoodle mix weighing only 1lb. 12oz., when fully grown she will weigh 4-5 pounds.  We named her Bella Mia in honor of my friend Joel. While getting treatment in Germany, Bella Mia was the name of our favorite restaurant to eat at. One evening Joel, his wife Jeanne, Curtis and I shared a meal that we will always hold close to our hearts. Our Maltese Junior (3.5yrs) is getting used to Bella and they are beginning to play together. It appears that Ms. Bella will be in charge of the Garrett puppy group, or so it seems at this juncture. Junior is a sweetie and allows Bella to eat and drink from his dish along with playing with his coveted toy.

Life is good and challenging, I would not have it any other way.

Today, I am hopeful~

Ask. Believe. Receive.

I am healing and embracing each day of increased energy. Returning home from Germany has certainly settled my mind, body, and spirit; there truly is no place like home. There has been emotional moments, but this is too be expected. Last week on Wednesday was a particularly difficult day, especially for Curtis. His spirit was left broken and hope far out of reach; it was heartbreaking to watch. That night, I had a lot of alone time to think about life and our future. In general I am a hopeful person, but I have dialed deeply into hope over the past nearly five years since being diagnosed. Wednesday night, as 11:00 pm approached, which is extremely late for me to be up, I retired to my bed. As I lay in bed, there was a smile that adorned my face. I was silently repeating a mantra I often repeat as I drift off to sleep. Then it hit me. I want to have unwavering hope and a belief I WILL find health just as I did in my fundraising efforts to get treatment in Germany. You see, I always knew and believed it was possible to raise the money needed - I NEVER wavered, I just trusted it would happen in perfect timing. And so it did. So there it is, I am digging deeper than ever before to gain absolute unwavering faith that I will find health, in its perfect time. I know this will require patience. . I am so focused on inviting in positive energy from my higher power and deeply rooting myself into life and finding balance.

Since that tearful Wednesday night, wonderful things have started opening up around me. Ask. Believe. Receive. is in full force in my life. I am working to be increasingly and fully present in each moment. Enjoying the small and large pieces of my life. Laughing even more than before. Continuing to not take myself too serious - which too brings laughter. I am riding a wave of blessings at this moment and rising above the challenges that may cross my path. While this may not sound like something new and unique for me, I will tell you that something has shifted for me - I feel it. I get goose bumps when speaking of it. It makes sense to me and that is what is significant.

Curtis is doing much better; this is a process that is heartbreaking for our family at moments. I am filled with gratitude to have family and friends that continue to love and nurture us through this time of transition. Things that Curtis and I thought were not possible for many years are coming together rapidly and bringing much eagerness into our lives. It is amazing how things fall into place, in their perfect timing, as the universe aligns and we become one. Thank you to everyone that continues to pray, send positive healing energy, and love our direction. We need this; we do feel surrounded by love.


Today, I am hopeful~

I am back from Germany

It is so good to be home! It was quite the journey up to the very last moment. Curtis and I arrived home Monday morning at 4:00 am, we were exhausted from our journey as you will quickly learn of our unexpected adventures.

 

Friday after treatment Mr. B. drove me straight from Infusio to the Couva boarding house, to pick-up Curtis, and all our luggage. I did not desire to do a double check of the flat to insure I packed everything the night before, I just wanted to leave. I was done with treatment and ready to move onto the next chapter. Curtis and I had booked a room at a hotel attached to the Frankfurt airport, this would be our drop point for Mr. B. It was the craziest drop-off ever. There were absolutely no signs leading to the hotel; we could see the hotel but couldn't figure out how to get there! Through a series of events we found ourselves in a parking garage, lost. Our bags were on a luggage cart and the three of us were wondering around, clearly lost. After asking a few people for directions, this kind man began escorting us through a series of hallways, elevators, more hallways, and elevators; at times I was running to keep up with his fast walking pace, until we finally found the entrance to the hotel! As I was checking us in, the nice man was asking Curtis for money - a finders fee of sorts. Curtis was a bit pissed but I was more than happy to pay the guy. With a final squeeze of Mr. B and a friendly wave goodbye, he left us and we were on our own. We settled into our hotel room had a few minor issues, but the hotel was extremely accommodating. YES, finally, American regular sheets - so delightful. Above are a couple photos of the airport from our hotel.

Departure day was here, Sunday - time to travel back to Oregon. A gentleman from the hotel loaded our luggage on a cart and took us directly to the Condor gate; as the woman checked our bags, she asked how long we were in Germany and if we enjoyed ourselves. As she was reviewing our passports I shared that I was getting cancer treatment - she exclaimed "oh shit!" in her British accent, it was quite funny. Bags were checked, no problems and the nice woman offered to get us a cart to scoot through the airport as it is huge. We loaded into the cart and were escorted in style to the front of the line. Security double checked my computer and then went completely through my carry-on bag. At the other side of the security was another cart waiting to deliver us to a travel lounge by the departure gate. We grabbed a quick bite to eat and then headed to the gate when boarding was scheduled. We stood in the crowd when all of a sudden we were surrounded by police and security. That's when I thought "oh shit". We were escorted to a secondary security site searched, scanned, and questioned. We were let go - thankfully. Shortly after that we boarded the 12 hour flight from Frankfurt to Vegas. The flight was uneventful. Curtis slept for a few hours - I was wide awake; it was the middle of the day. By the time we landed in Vegas, I was pooped and ready to go to sleep, it was 11:30 pm Frankfurt time, well past my bedtime. 

We knew we had a four hour layover and thought that was okay because we had to go through customs, pick-up our luggage, re-check the luggage, and then head to security. Rounding the corner to go through customs we were shocked by the lines of people. We quickly scanned and figured out that we did not have to wait in the "visiting" line, we promptly went the the US Citizen line, there was only one person in front of me. The man questioned me, why I was wearing a mask "so you are wearing it because of germs or what?" Matching his tone, I stated "well kind of, I have terminal cancer". The questions stopped. We then headed to claim our baggage - which took forever to come out. One more potential hurdle with the baggage, getting out of the customs area. I quickly removed my mask as to not draw additional attention. The woman smiled and said that she liked my hair. We then rechecked our bags without incident and headed to security. The cattle line was amazingly long; that created an incredible illusion, just when you think you have arrived, you have not. When we got to a point in the line where I could flag down a TSA agent, I explained I could no longer stand in the line so we were able to jump the line! Cancer Benefits! By our measurement people were in the line for about 30 minutes. 

We grabbed a bite to eat and found a spot where I could lay down on the ground and maybe go to sleep. By then the flight was scheduled to leave in an hour. I laid out my blanket and laid down, closed my eyes, and then heard Curtis say - the flight is delayed. The flight continued to be delayed. We were originally scheduled to arrive in Oregon around 10:00 pm, we did not land in Portland until 2:00 am, we both slept during the 1.5 hour flight. By the time we arrived home it was 4:00 am. We were met by beautiful potted flowers outside our front door compliments of Elaine. When we opened the door Junior met us - he was so happy to see us and seemed a bit pissed that we had been gone for so long. Jackson and Cole had made a welcome home sign along with some flowers; there too was a card with flowers and a balloon from Elaine. I gave both my sleeping kiddos a squeeze and Curtis and I headed to bed. Surprisingly, Curtis and I both awoke at 9:00 am and started our day. It took me all day to unpack and I did not finish the laundry until the next day. 

Here are some photos from the trip that I did not have a chance to share yet. 

Whole new meaning to peeing cheek to cheek!

 

Pictured above are my new friends Sonya (L) and Jeannie & Joel (R)

The big question now is - was the treatment successful. This is going to be a wait and see kind of thing. While in Frankfurt, I did monitor my tumor cell markers; at first they continued to increase but at a slower rate then prior to treatment. By the end of treatment, one tumor marker continued to decrease while the other one was within points of when I first arrived. While this may sound discouraging, it is just the opposite. The treatment clearly slowed tumor activity. I expect this will continue as the months progress. I am giving myself shots every four days for 16 times. I have done a lot of research on this treatment and I am super excited about the possibilities; the injection increases the macrophage, cancer cell eating army, in the body. This medicine is not available in the US and is said to cost $1000 a vial, for 8 shots. If this injection proves to be successful in my body, I will be finding a way to obtain more so I can continue treating this cancer until it is gone. There is a large tumor that continues to grow under my arm; its pretty uncomfortable. I am using an infrared light at least one hour a day on the tumor area site - at home hyperthermia along with using an infrared sauna every other day for as long as possible; I am going to have to work my way up to 60 minutes - I am at 17 minutes right now. Of course I am doing a whole host of other things with my diet and supplements.

Today, Curtis and I went to see my oncologist. The appointment was quite devastating and I was not prepared for what I learned. We went there with two action items, first to follow-up on the death with dignity process and obtaining the prescription and the second,  to see the PET/CT scans taken after chemotherapy back in December 2015. Although I had received the written report, I wanted to see the images. When the doctor pulled up the scans, I was pretty sure he clicked on the wrong date, but he had not. I was shocked to see the images. I then asked to see the pre-chemotherapy images. When he presented those, I started to cry. Although I had read the reports, the images were much more telling - the amount of black areas, noting cancer, was marked. It literally took my breath away. He then went back to the post chemotherapy images and asked what do you think when you see these images. My response "oh shit". What I didn't tell him was the rest of the sentence, I am going to die. He asked if I wanted to discuss treatment options, I told he there is no way my body can take chemotherapy again - it nearly killed me last time. He shifted the conversation to my Germany treatment. Curtis and I both left a bit stunned. I couldn't contain myself. We had planned to eat at Kylo's but I said no. We continued down the coast line traveling back home, I stared out the window looking at the ocean, tears flowing uncontrollably. I asked Curtis to pull over, I had to get out of the car. I walked to the edge of the cliff and stood on a rock overlooking the ocean. I cried. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I breathed in the cold, fresh, ocean air. I felt the wind whisper, it is going to be okay. I felt a peace cover my body. It was very cold and windy. Curtis joined me on the rock, I was shivering so he took me back to the car. I turned up the heat, rolled my window down, opened the sun roof, and watched the waves. I don't know how long we were there. I had just experienced feeling desperate and hopeless, something I never wanted to feel and when I did - I had to get out of the car. The ocean air calmed my mind, soul, and body. I was able to refocus and find that peaceful place. I was still crying, but the tears were not of desperation and hopelessness. As I type this, the tears are flowing - how can they not. I am reminding myself that I just underwent an intensive month long treatment and the next 60 days are critical to healing and ridding my body of this cancer. Patient, be patient. 

Bottom line, I feel pretty good, much better than when I left. My energy is increasing which is awesome. I am just going to keep looking forward while remaining hopeful. Please keep me in your prayers and sending positive healing energy my direction. Thank you to everyone that is rooting for me and who continue to be a part of my journey. I am so fortunate to have many around me that love and support me - I am a lucky girl, I am choosing to live in gratitude.

Today, I am hopeful~   

March 13, 2016 - Monday marks my last week of treatment in Germany

Rough day; tears and lost eyelashes.

It has been an interesting third week of treatment - but good. Life would be incredibly boring without some type of something going on to work on, deal with, and grow from. Last week started off tearful, feeling broken and in pain; feeling as though my body was failing me yet again by not producing veins to carry my IV treatments comfortably  and expeditiously. It made for incredibly long days and painful infusions. Monday, I was just happy that Nadine found a vein! The infusions were dripping slowly and a bit painful but I made it through, then Tuesday came along and the pain was unbearable by the third infusion - it burned going in so we had to shut it down. Thankfully, Nadine was able to tap into one of my "blood veins" as I call them and we were off and running. My tears made my fake eyelashes fall off which made being an ugly crier even uglier! I was comforted by the staff and my new friends; all was well.

I could tell you about Curtis having to help give me an enema so I could poop, late evening trips to the market for prunes, lighting small wish lanterns, getting salmon from our favorite restaurant, funny treatment moments, oh and how I shit myself, and all our other outings, but I shall keep some details to myself to share in person upon my return! 

One outing I will share is when Curtis and I returned to the footbridge to place a lock on it to symbolize our love and commitment to each other. After placing the lock, we threw the keys into the river.

Our lock is the bright yellow one, we attached it to a heart lock.

Lock Video #1 https://youtu.be/iHSOBMcYVmU

Lock Video #2 https://youtu.be/BvchMJjlwRw

 

 I have posted many updates on FB as it was easier and I was tired and still wanted to keep everyone in the loop. So this posting may seem incomplete to some. I am so excited to return home! Today, I pulled out all my suitcases and lined them up - getting ready to leave this treatment phase and start this next phase of my life. I am so ready to be done with treatment that Curtis and I have decided that after I leave treatment on Friday, we are going to leave this apartment and stay at a hotel by the airport for two nights until our flight leaves. Added bonus, fresh towels and American sheets!!! I can't wait. There has been a disappointing saga surrounding our apartment accommodations or lack thereof. I have authored an extensive letter that I plan to present to Infusio Wednesday morning -  I will share after I send it to them.

Last night was pretty scary for a fellow patient. She called asking if Curtis could get her some special water from the store, she was very weak, stomach swollen, and her spirit broken. Her husband had to return home to the states as she entered her second week of treatment. Each day when I saw her, my concern grew for her. We all visited for a while but as we said goodbye, I had a feeling she was going to need additional care. When I awoke Sunday morning, I sent her a text and learned she had gone to the hospital only a couple hours after we left her. The good news is that after a blood transfusion and additional treatments, she is feeling a little bit better and her husband is scheduled to return tomorrow. 

FaceBook Posting:

I want to express my gratitude to Mr. B (Bogdon) the driver from Infusio that came to a fellow patients' aid late last night; she was very ill and needed to go to the hospital. He provided the most compassionate service by personally taking her to the Emergency Room, which is not a simple process here in Germany. This patient is a US citizen, staying alone in Germany and does not speak German. I cannot imagine trying to navigate an emergency not knowing the language! Mr B, you ROCK!!

Today, because he has a loving heart, Mr. B picked my husband and I up at our apartment and accompanied us to the hospital to visit our friend; to let her know she is not alone! I truly hope Infusio sees the value of Mr. B's act of kindness and properly reimburses him for his time as well as recognizes him for his outstanding patient service at Infusio. Mr. B truly lived up to the meaning of his name "God's Gift".

As we arrived at the hospital, Mr. B began speaking to the bright eyed young lady in German, her response "do you speak English?". Oh my gosh, I was so so excited I actually raised my hand high into the air and exclaimed "I do!!" We then were provided directions, in English, to another building where there was a patient information desk. Mr. B nudged me and said "you do your English". I laughed and started rambling questions - pretty quickly it was clear this woman did not speak English so I tagged Mr. B back in. We laughed and started walking toward the elevators; talk about small - literally four people could comfortably fit in the elevator. When it stopped for another person, I raised my hand up signalling HELL NO while saying a firm German accent "No". I was thrilled to arrive at floor 8- I burst through the doors. We found my friends room and she looked better. She was sharing a room with a German woman, I think it was nice that she had some company finally. My friend recounted the nightmare of Michael who ripped the hoodie from her body and the repeatably and feverishly stabbed her over and over trying to get a vein - she was making the stabbing motion. My friend was laying there is tears, alone. Finally he found a vein and she was able to get a blood transfusion. My friend told us that later she saw Michael who walked passed her and waved to her in a creepy fashion. What a nightmare for her. Later I was texting with my her and I had to admit that the hospital freaked me out - I didn't tell her this (but she will know when she reads this) but the setting reminded me of an insane asylum, so blank, quiet, doors closed, and creepy. I told Curtis and Mr. B, never take me there, just take me to the airport! LOL 

As I enter this last week of treatment, I am hopeful that my health will continue to improve and that my life will be extended. Being away from my son, doggie, and creature comforts for over three weeks time as of today, has been one of the most difficult things I have done. I am going to be BEYOND excited to get back on American soil, surrounded by all my wonderful family and friends. This week will go fast, I am counting on it. I too am channeling good veins as I end this journey in Germany. 

You know, tonight I looked at Curtis and said, I am so lucky - it is because of all these people that believe in me and love me that I am able to be here getting this treatment, what a lucky girl I am. I am so grateful to each one of you that has joined me in this journey, endlessly believe in me, and love me so deeply. 

Quilt drawing is nearing; don't miss out!

For every ten dollars you donate, you will get an entry for a chance to win the quilt pictured here, called ‘Rebel’. We will draw the winning ticket on March 21st, the day after Christina and Curtis return from Germany. We hope to dig through many tickets to find that winning entry. Maybe it will be yours!

Thank you for your support, and good luck!

The Nielsen family has started an aftercare fundraising event where each $10 donation gets your name entered into a drawing for a beautiful quilt made by Lisa Nielsen.

Rebel With A Cause  https://www.youcaring.com/christina-garrett-523896

Additional Ways to Donate:

Donate Online: https://www.youcaring.com/Team.Christina

Preferred way to Donate by Mail: 

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Selco Credit Union Direct Deposit:

"Team Christina"

Today, I am hopeful~

Rebel With A Cause~ By: Eric & Lisa Nielsen

Authored by: Eric & Lisa Nielsen

Rebel With A Cause  https://www.youcaring.com/christina-garrett-523896

Our friend, Christina, has been fighting an aggressive form of breast cancer for nearly five years. In December, she was told she had only six months to live. Now, she and her husband, Curtis, are in Germany for a month of treatments she can’t get in the US. When they return home, Curtis will go back to work, life will go on, and medical expenses will keep coming. Even with the generous support they’ve received from so many, their resources are depleted and they need more help.

To help Christina continue her extraordinary life, please donate on the link provided or if you prefer, you may send a check, payable to  Christina Garrett: 

Christina Garrett Fund, c/o Nielsens

1537 SW Birdie Drive

Corvallis, OR  97333

For every ten dollars you donate, you will get an entry for a chance to win the quilt pictured here, called ‘Rebel’. We will draw the winning ticket on March 21st, the day after Christina and Curtis return from Germany. We hope to dig through many tickets to find that winning entry. Maybe it will be yours!

Thank you for your support, and good luck!

The Nielsen family has started an aftercare fundraising event where each $10 donation gets your name entered into a drawing for a beautiful quilt made by Lisa Nielsen.

Rebel With A Cause  https://www.youcaring.com/christina-garrett-523896

Additional Ways to Donate:

Donate Online: https://www.youcaring.com/Team.Christina

Preferred way to Donate by Mail: 

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Selco Credit Union Direct Deposit:

"Team Christina"

Today, I am hopeful

March 5, 2016

Friday March 4, 2016 - Video of the day: https://youtu.be/y-BZNZ0AiMk

My new friend Violeta a patient at Infusio - She is amazing!

After returning home on Friday from a marathon session of treatment, 7.5 hours, I was beyond exhausted physically and emotionally. The scheduled treatment was not unusual, it was the vein my IV was placed in that brought my treatments to an extremely slow crawl. Sure, I could have agreed to have a new IV placed, but my veins are in short supply so I need to make the most of every vein willing to provide an avenue for treatment delivery, even if it is slow. Although slow, things were going okay until the last infusion was placed - it is a bit of a sensitive one, especially with a small vein. As 5:00 pm approached and the last patients were completing their treatment, I said "enough". There was a small amount of the infusion left, but it so was not worth it! I had already taken a Morphine, Xanax, and Zofran about three hours earlier. I was done. I was excited to have the IV removed for the weekend! Free at last. By the time I arrived home, I was very hungry and tired. I had a chance to make a short video, in which I broke down; shortly after I ate some food I fell asleep. I slept through the night until I awoke around 8:30 am Saturday morning. 

On Friday, I had a lovely conversation with Dr. Joe as I call him, my mouth cannot seem to say his proper name -lol. I learned that he is trained to provide some Ayurvedic treatments, he studied in India. This made me happy especially after he offered to provide me an Abhyanga massage next week. As we spoke, it was clear we both struggled to understand each other; the language barrier is a real issue, especially considering the medical setting. Collectively, the staff at Infusio does their best with understanding and speaking English yet there are moments when I think, it would be so helpful for both parties to fully understand the other. For example, there was confusion over the word hurt and heard; two entirely different words, yet when you think about it, they sound similar through the ear of a non-first language speaker of English. 

This is Pia, the office manager - she is always smiling. 

I have been thinking a lot about Infusio, how we were gently dropped in this foreign land, and how we have navigated the unknown. As new patients arrive, especially from the states, I learn of similar patient struggles, some more impacting than my own.

The aforementioned situation of heard vs hurt made me think of a current issue occurring between patients and staff - perhaps issue is too strong of a word, yet I will leave it. The clinic does not provide patients a specific treatment plan of services and infusions that will be delivered during the duration of the four-week cancer program. We do know that we will have access to all the treatments listed under the cancer program listed in the Infusio brochure, it is just not specifically laid out before the patients - like in the US, I am not sure how other countries programs traditionally work. The current protocol of Infusio, as I understand it, is that at the end of the treatment, each patient is provided with an accounting of all treatments received, including the dates. How I mitigate the Infusio protocol is that each day, I ask what treatments I will be receiving and keep track of it myself- this works for me. As the treatment progresses, adjustments to the program are often made to fit the current needs of the patient - for example, I am getting hyperthermia treatments daily to address two different tumor areas on my body. Most patients get hyperthermia every other day.

What is getting lost in translation and why are there unhappy patients? From a therapist perspective, I would offer that most patients are terminally or chronically ill; because of this, there is little control over anything in our lives. Being able to understand and know, as much as possible about the treatment being delivered will provide a sense of peace to many patients. Infusio needs to understand that many patients that seek treatment outside their country of origin, have ran out of options and want to be in control of what is happening to their bodies. We too are researchers -so knowing what is happening is critical. Several of the patients I have met have questioned and gone against Western and European modalities and recommendations at one time or another, acting in what was in their personal best interest. Therefore, it is even more common for “us” the patients to question what is happening with our treatment at Infusio – it is not a bad thing, it is simply the patient desiring to garner additional medical knowledge of current treatment, this is imperative for the psychological, emotional, and physical health of patients.

Infusio’s response is to tell patients not to worry about treatment, that they [Infusio staff] are there to take care of us, make us feel good, and that we need to concentrate on being healthy and getting well. While this is true and quite noble, there are two sides - from a patient perspective, we want to understand what is going into our body, what each infusion is doing, what the side effects may be, and how this is healing our body. Having this information will then provide psychological stability thus allowing for healing. I am not sure if this situation is a cultural conflict or institutional programming issue. Regardless, I truly hope that Infusio grows to have a greater understanding and will consider how patients experience treatment. It is a growing and learning process. My experience is that Infusio is open to patient feedback; systemic change takes time and is typically not immediate. Despite all the challenges, I maintain that the staff at Infusio is wonderful; the environment is bright, positive, loving, and healing.

Although my body is still tired, Curtis and I set out Saturday morning to walk to the center of town. We stopped at Starbucks - they were out of Chai Tea to make a Chai Tea latte, that was a letdown for me. We then set-out in search of eyelashes. After asking several individuals, we successfully located a store called Douglas, that did carry eyelashes! Yippee. I will wait until Monday to try to put these lashes on - they are synthetic not human hair as I am used to. 

On another note, after returning home from my morning walk, I lit a candle and then fell asleep. When I awoke, there was wax that formed on the side that looked like a bald-headed person cloaked in flowing clothing was praying. I thought it was pretty cool. I have not felt very well today; I’m not sure how to describe how I feel other than to say I feel “off”.  I am really glad tomorrow is Sunday and I can rest another day prior to undergoing treatment again. I remain homesick and am so ready to come home! I am halfway done with treatment. 

Today, I am hopeful~

March 3, 2016

Save a Vein – Use Your Ass. 

Well this was the theme of today, that along with my wonky eyelashes, that began popping off early in the day landing in the rubbish bin.  I slept okay last night, a bit restless. I awoke ready to take on the day, took a shower, popped on the fake eyelashes that are more like plastic than hair, and bounced out the door.  I entered the treatment center with confidence, that Nadine would find one of those plump veins I have been channeling. One stick – nothing. So we moved to the back of my hand and found success. The first treatment is Ozone Therapy; your blood is drawn out, ozone added, and then blood reinserted back into your body. My blood crept slowly out, we quickly knew this treatment was not going to be possible. We decided to abandon that treatment and I began receiving my first infusion of the day. Nadine then looked at me and says, “you know there is another way”. I thought-  why the sly smile and another way for what? Apparently, Ozone Therapy can be delivered rectally!  I smiled at her and explained I don’t have a problem going up the backside:  Save a Vein – Use Your Ass! Nadine laughed. It was so much easier to have this treatment in the backside and an added bonus; I was able to poop soon afterward. LOL

All the treatments went well and I had a successful day of treatment. I am looking forward to an IV free weekend and only four treatment days next week. Having said that, week three is said to be the most difficult yet I am hopeful I will walk through it with grace and strength. I received a bit of bloodwork back today. The good news is that although the tumor makers continue to increase, they have slowed the rate of increase after only one week of treatment. My blood will again be drawn on Monday, marking two weeks of treatment, I am hopeful for some radical shifts downward in cancer cell activity.

Well, as you can see from my photograph, the eyelashes were placed on as wonky as all get-up, but that was okay. I left them on for as long as possible and just went with it. Perhaps I will find some real lashes this weekend. And if you are wonder, heck yes I am going to attempt to throw another set of plastic lashes on tomorrow morning.  Having a good sense of humor is always helpful and healthy. 

When I arrived back to the flat, Curtis had purchased me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. It was just perfect. I have the best husband.

Today, I am hopeful~

March 2, 2016

FP post from March 1, 2016

Things are going well choosing to FB rather than blog, it's quicker. Turn on your Cyndi Lauper music because...well look below. Been sporting this lovely IV protector the past two days. Monday they found a single tiny vein that has lasted two days and hopefully Wednesday as well, then it's time to come out and look for a new spot to start on Thursday.

For some reason my top eyelashes have been coming out, although there is new growth underneath- not sure what that's about, it started prior to coming to Germany.

I can feel my body wanting to rest a bit more as the time goes on. Next week (3rd) is said to be "the toughest" week therefore there is only 4-days of treatment. I'm just focused on getting through each day- right now as I enter the middle of week 2 of treatment. So grateful Curtis is here, I could not do this without him!!!

There is a window by my bed. I often stare out the window watching for a departing plane; I visualize myself flying back home on the plane. I'm homesick.

Today, I'm hopeful~

March 3, 2016

Tonight I was taking a hot soak, shaving my legs as to not be too European when I swiped across the tattoo adorning my left ankle, a lotus flower. I smiled. You see, a lotus flower can only grow out of muddy bogs, but when the flower blooms, it is a delicate perfectly clean beautiful lotus flower. This reminded me that despite all the mud that may be in my pathway - I too shall continue to bloom perfectly beautiful as does the lotus flower; if not for the muddy bog, the flower could not bloom so glorious. We all need some muddy times in order to develop our higher selves and grow into more compassionate, loving, giving, and understanding people. You see I choose to see the mud as my playground for growth. I strive each day to live with a heart of gratitude, to acknowledge my pain and suffering, to let this move through me, to give of myself while living authentically.


You see today was a bit bumpy. Treatment started off painful, with an IV that was ready to give out but my little vein held in there for three days! I became tearful and just needed to cleanse myself.

Tears of sadness.
Tears of pain.
Tears of homesick.
Tears of frustration.
Tears for no reason in particular.

This is okay. A doctor tried to comfort me, but you see, sometimes those around you need to be okay with you not being okay. Let the person have their moment. Check in with them, but then give them space to cleanse their soul. It is okay. At lease for me -  I do not need someone to tell me to hold onto hope or be strong. That's not my issue - I am very hopeful. I am very strong. I am very determined. I just needed to cry.

This is a photo of my Infusio Team - totally planning on rocking out this treatment, finding complete health and beating the odds.

I declare that I shall return to the US from Germany with health and a renewed sense of hope.

Today, I am hopeful~