Pain, pain, go away...

I am encouraging all those following my journey to go to my blog and in the left hand corner enter your email address in the FOLLOW BY EMAIL box. By entering your email address, you will receive new blog postings automatically delivered to your email within 12 hours of a new posting. Due to the progression of this disease, my health condition may rapidly change and I want to insure all those praying, sending positive energy, and healing thoughts receive information as it is released.

I continue to have access to the medical care offered through hospice; this has been a gift. I rather fancy the idea of my medical team coming to me rather than needing to travel to clinics, it too adds an extra layer of care and compassionate delivery of medical care. Trying to get ahead of my pain has been quite tricky. I realize that my pain tolerance is rather high. I would say that my pre-hospice pain level was best measured at a 20 on a 1-10 scale. It wasn’t until hospice placed fentanyl patches on my body, that I fully realized the true extent of pain I have been enduring spanning 12 months’ time. My condition creates a moving target of sorts especially concerning proper pain control. For the moment I have settled into a semi-regular pain management schedule that is doing a good enough job. I am taking 150mcg of fentanyl – by way of patch that last 72 hours before needing to be changed. Break through pain is being controlled with morphine – typically 60mg every 5 hours. We have added 1000mg of Gabapentin taken daily. These three medications, in concert with each other, are able to positively reach different pain receptors and have brought my pain level into the 1-10 traditional tracking scale– I now rest with a pain level typically between 3-6. I am sharing at length regarding pain control for a couple reasons, first I was unaware of the heightened level of pain I was living with – unnecessarily and secondly, that with proper pain control, it makes life easier for not only my body but my mind.

Reducing pain has allowed me to have additional energy to spend time with my family and organize things to make the life transition easier for my family. While this journey sometimes brings tears, it too provides moments of levity that are priceless. Oh how I wish I would have been writing a couple sentences daily about my adventures as they are quite funny at times – the evenings are an adventure for my family to witness. I tend to start nodding off and I start having conversations with individuals that are not in the room with me. During these conversations, I recognize at a certain point that I am doing this and then begin to laugh. I often unknowingly insert myself into the TV program that is playing in the background. Due to the high levels of medication I am on, I am choosing not to drive, for certain I would be pulled over and cited straight away with a DUI! Recently, Cole and I traveled to the church in Salem, Oregon where my Celebration of Life will take place, we were checking out the venue and doing a run through of the amazing video/movie memoir he has put together; it looks amazing. On the drive home I began to nod out and Cole insisted that I take a video of myself, which of course I did – it was hilarious. 

While there are funny moments, there too are difficult moments. Earlier in the week I was experiencing a tremendous amount of pain, which we now refer to as the “J situation”. I awoke around midnight to the most incredible pain that was exasperated when I would take in a breath. The pain trail mirrored that of the letter J, hence the event naming. I was bracing myself with one hand on the headboard of the bed, the other hand was poking around the J area trying to figure out what was happening. Curtis and I both confused and a bit stunned not knowing what was happening – I felt it had little to do with the open wound but rather something muscular or nerve related. Nevertheless, I kept saying aloud that I did not know what was happening and I needed help to figure it out. Curtis and I began working backwards removing KT tape, then removing the bandaging from the wound, we pressed around the J area searching for tender spots, and we too wanted to get a visual of what the heck was happening. We were unable to identify anything out of place or out of the ordinary. We then had to put me back together; Curtis applied some essential oils along the J and then reapplied the wound dressing. I was still in a tremendous amount of pain, so much so that the right side of my body seemed to be collapsing unable to stand. We then shifted to reviewing my medication for the day while identifying which medication I would take now to address the uncontrolled pain.  After taking the decided on PRN medication, Curtis lovingly tucked me back into bed, placed an icepack on J, and I was able to fall asleep around 1:00am. After sleeping for a few hours I awoke about 5:00am to the same pain, in fact it was worse! – I did not wake Curtis, I immediately called the hospice line for assistance. I was pleased that the voice on the other end was an RN that had taken care of me before – she knew if I was calling I must really be having a situation and she was correct. I shared all the details of J; we discussed what I could do now to address the pain and came up with a plan – I followed through with her plan. She later contacted me after speaking with the MD and placed an order for some additional medication. Although we were not sure what was causing the J pain, my RN was committed to getting me out of pain, which we were able to slightly accomplish.

Later that morning, my acupuncturist Mandi came over – she has been making house calls whenever I need her – she is such a gift! When she arrived to the house I explained the traumatic J events from the early morning hours and she immediately said something about my 7^th rib, in part, being the cause of this discomfort. Next thing I know, Mandi leapt onto my bed and manually did a couple maneuver’s on my stomach along J and just like that, I could breathe again without the harsh pain; and I felt even better. Mandi taught Curtis the special technique so he can now get me back into place too. The school of thought is that the mass is externally becoming smaller due to the rupture allowing fluid to drain. The mass, prior to ulceration had created such a change in the biomechanics of my shoulder area, with my shoulder rolling forward, that everything is a bit out of place including the muscles surrounding the area. Most easily put, things are trying to return to where they belong and there are some hang-ups along the way. Between Mandi’s magic and immediate pain medication adjustments, I was finally feeling pretty good. As I am typing right now, I am starting to experience pain along the J area – so I will stop for now and pick-up later.

I have been spending my good days working on pulling the pieces of my Celebration of Life together. My hope is that my husband and children will be surrounded by all those that love me – that they will feel an overwhelming sense of peace, love, joy, and happiness, despite my passing. I too am making the celebration into something special – I want everyone to know how important you are to me and to walk away from my service feeling inspired. I am making gift bags to hand out along with the Celebration of life program; in each bag there are personalized special things that I hope will inspire you and will create unique lasting forever memories. It may sound a bit silly I suppose, but I am excited to share this last memory of me that I believe captures the essence of who I am and the legacy I am leaving behind. I love that I am able to design the program for the Celebration of Life. I love that those who will be speaking or who have contributed, have asked me for an outline, guideline or framework for their particular part, and I am able to say – you write or say what is on your heart – there is no right or wrong it will be just perfect. I love that I continue to have moments where I am able to see myself through the eyes of others, it deeply impacts my spirit and humbles me.

My life right now is complicated and yet it is not. I am able to rest, text sometimes with others, occasionally have a visitor, and just be. It feels good. Curtis and I are blessed that our son Cole (20) has chosen to put his personal plans on hold for the next year and has moved back home to be an emotional support to the family, especially to our youngest son Jackson (17). It will be Jackson’s senior year of high school. This is a proud mama moment to know that my children are choosing family first, without hesitation and are transforming a difficult situation into something that is beautiful.

Many have asked how they can help our family. One of the easiest most helpful ways is to send gift cards to stores such as: Safeway, McDonalds, Subway, or Panda Express and mail to either my home address or to PO Box 192 Philomath, Oregon 97370. The gift cards make it easy for the kids to go grab a quick bite or pick-up groceries for the family. Thank you to everyone that continues to pray, send healing thoughts, and positive energy our direction. Although I am unable to respond to every email, text, phone message, FB message etc. please know that I am reading and listening to each one and appreciate the continued support.

I am not sure how much time I have left, yes my pain is better controlled which has increased my quality of life but we too must remember the other side. I have an external ulcerated mass that the RNs say will not heal it will continue to get worse – and avoiding infection is key. The systemic cancer disease process is rapid and aggressive. I mention this because when looking at me, on most days, I look as though everything is good. It can be a bit deceiving for us all. Curtis and I get a reality check when dressing the wound or when reviewing the medication log and the amount of pain medication I am taking.

Thank you for joining me on this journey, for all your encouragement, support, prayers, and love. Please know that I have made every effort to make arrangements for notifications of health updates, my passing, and details regarding my Celebration of Life to be posted and announced via multiple social media outlets. The best way to insure you have up to date information is too sign-up on my blog to receive new blog posts delivered to your email account. So when my journey here is over, I want there to be a true celebration of my life. I want you all come to my Celebration of Life, surround my family with your love and support – I hope my family will feel the extension of your love that I have experienced over the past five years.

Just know, I am still holding out for a healing miracle – I am open to receiving.

Today, I am hopeful~

Health Update: August 18, 2016

The past several days was fraught with many unexpected twists and turns with my health. Saturday I was placed on hospice and was planning for my passing to occur within a matter of day.  However, hospice has been able to provide an unprecedented level of pin control in concert with wound care that has given my little body a boost of energy - it has been incredible. With medications blocking pain, the family and I were able to take a quick day trip to the beach: my feet in the sand, the smell of the fresh ocean air, and witnessing the glory of the majestic ocean, something I thought I would never have the opportunity to do again before I passed away. 

While pain is better controlled, it is important to remember the disease process has not changed; the cancer is running wild, the mass growing, opening, and weeping. My body is very sick.

It is quite an extraordinary gift that I feel better for a moment, I am now able to spend a bit of extra time with my husband and children, put the finishing touches on my celebration of life, and plan some special surprises to leave behind. This may sound silly but I'm really excited for a couple things I have planned at my service. I hope there will be an outpouring of support for my family and that each individual attending will experience my love and spirit at our unique connecting points- this is my parting gift to all.

Multiple social media and text notifications are in place as to not overlook anyone. However, I'm encouraging everyone to sign-up for email alerts on my blog as to not miss updates. Love, peace, and hope to all. I'm filled with gratitude that I am surrounded by so many incredible individuals that are loving and caring for my family and I. I too remain open for a healing miracle- anything is possible. We appreciate you giving our family privacy as we are not taking visitors, for the most part, however letters, texts, and messages are all welcome. I am not able to respond to all but do read each message.

Today, I am hopeful~

My journey will soon end in a matter of days. This journey has been filled with amazing forever moments, many of you have been a part of these moments. I am at peace and ready to end my suffering as I enter my new journey.

My family asks for privacy at this juncture; someone will share when my journey ends along with details of my celebration of life.

Love, peace, and compassion to all~

Taking a break for a bit~

Today marks 5 years since diagnosed. Most women lose their lives in the first 3-5 years, so take that statistics! If I would not have had all these re-occurrence, this would have been an incredible day to celebrate. But instead, we are quietly entering the next phase of the unknown. I have decided to take a break from all social media for a while as I'm tired and need some much overdue privacy. Today included an unexpected trip to the infusion center for IV fluids due to sever hydration conditions. Thank you for the continued support, thoughts, and prayers.

My body and mind need a rest from stimulation right now. I cannot even find the motivation or strength to return letter, I am just not in that season of my journey. I do appreciate the letters, I read, keep and cherish each one. Perhaps this need for an isolation of sorts will pass quickly and then there is a chance it will not; time will only tell. I am filled with gratitude to have so many individuals interested and joining me in my journey - I could not do this without the out all of you. Until next time...

Mailing donations:

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Selco Credit Union Direct Deposit: "Team Christina"

Today, I am hopeful.

Signs, oxygen, and reduced inflammation!

It all started with a directional sign that in part read Oak Creek Juvenile Center. As I passed this sign, I was taken back to the summer of 2004 when I first stepped foot in the facility to see one of my children. As I continued to drive it was as though time stood still as to provide a space allowing my mind to visualize and experience countless dramatic rapid memory flashes, liken to photographs, from childhood into adulthood; they continued to appeared in rapid succession. Then they stopped. I realized I had driven a couple blocks. My breath was slowed and I could almost feel myself coming back into my body – I felt as though my mind and body had separated from one another as I lamented on my life. When I was again fully present with my driving, I said aloud, “my life has not been easy”. I had not thought of many of the memories that flooded my mind for years. One stunning memory was of being in junior high and high school and not being able to manage the social expectations. While in junior high school, I thought often of ending my life – life just seemed too difficult to navigate. I recognized that it did not need to be difficult, but people really made it hard for other people thrive. Many kids were assholes, some authority figures took advantage of their position, it was like I felt trapped in this hell of sorts and did not know how to get out. Ultimately, I left home around the age of 15/16 dropped out of school the summer prior to my junior year of high school. I had total forgotten that I dropped out of school. What a strange memory to have resurface. My senior year I enrolled in a private Christian school and worked diligently to complete two years of school in one year to graduate on time, and I did.

Many of the memories unearthed impacting events in my life – my life has been wrought with challenges many of them I invited into my life by virtue of the advocacy and social work I chose to immerse myself in for all these years. As I write I think of the many injustices that happened to me that I have never spoke of – there is little reason to reveal now as it would serve no purpose. I too know that it is because of what I experienced, it drove me to become a fierce advocate, especially for youth. I married straight out of high school into a loveless marriage to man a did not really know. I became pregnant a couple months thereafter and felt trapped. We eventually divorced after about 2 ½ years of marriage. I had been single for a while then I met my second husband. He had a stable job, was older and more established, he adored my son, and he seemed to love me. At that time in my life I was looking for stability and that is what I got. He and I adopted a son – so our children were separated by about 9 years. As I grew older, he and I grew apart – we were living more as friends and less as husband and wife. I remember feeling so alone and thinking that marriage really sucked and that I never wanted to be married again – ever! We eventually divorced. I actually loved being single, no commitment, I would send the kids to see their dad (my second husband had taken on the role of raising my biological son) every other weekend thus getting a break from being a single parent. I had a lot of fun, but eventually I too grew tired of dating and silly games guys would try to play that I wanted no part of. Just as I was ready to stop dating, I met Curtis and two months later we would marry. I did not want to get married again but I could not pass up Curtis – he adored me, he had never been married, he was mature, had a steady job, an 8-year-old son, and I was smitten by him. Curtis and I have now been married 12 years.

As I reflect on the images that flashed so vividly on that day, I think of how wonderful it is that I have a strong resiliency gene. Despite all the challenges, trauma, trials, advocacy, hurt, abandonment, and loss here I am standing upright and greeting life as it comes at me. You know, we all have a story, if we are honest with ourselves. Many pieces of our story will forever remain silent – only for us to know. Especially as children, as we see life through such a vulnerable unique filter making it difficult to put what is happening into words so that someone can understand the pain, loss, fear, lack or worthiness and so on. One of the gifts we can give ourselves in adulthood is to attend to our inner child and process the dangling pieces of our lives. If we fail to address these, the patterns will continue into adulthood and repeat over and over again. I have done a lot of personal work over the past five years, having a terminal diagnosis has a way of pushing you to that uncomfortable place quickly. I have chosen to do my work. It is just that I do not think our work is ever truly done – there is always room to go deeper and grow more as a person. When I saw that sign that set these traveling thoughts twirling around, this was one of those moments, a gift for me to continue to grow.  

Because even chemo can be funny, with Lene'!

I have recently chosen to have chemotherapy infusions weekly for three weeks with one week off. The first two infusions I did 50% (low dose) of the medication typically given and the last two I chose 75%. I am not sure what I will do this week although I am leaning toward 75% due to a lack of tumor cell death while choosing low-dose chemotherapy. I am at a point where it becomes a quality of life issue – it is not a simple answer or choice. Doing 75% infusions on Thursdays makes Fridays really interesting around our house. I say the strangest things. I have vivid dreams and am often in a state between sleep and being awake – similar to a meditative state. After this last infusion, I recall having a dream about my soul rocking back and forth almost as though I were cradled in a swing of sorts. There were others there too but no physical bodies – yet I could feel the others around me. It was peaceful. Gently being rocked back and forth. I felt that I had a choice, that I could choose to leave this journey or choose to stay. I chose to stay, despite the discomfort I knew I would return to and this comfortable state I would be leaving. The timing of this dream is interesting as I do not feel as though I am close to death, despite the diagnosis. I too plan on living a healthy life into my 80s and offloading this diagnosis in the next 18-24 months. The dreams and visions are very interesting. There too is a pretty funny side to Fridays, the day after chemotherapy; Curtis tells me that I say strange things and he captured one such event as he audio recorded me. I hope to post it for all to enjoy!

Inside the chamber.

The oxygen hyperbaric chamber has been an amazing find! It is making a significant difference in reducing the inflammation of the mass. I am beyond thrilled about this modality as it is reducing my pain – something the morphine is failing to effectively manage. Last week I chose to do 75% chemotherapy, still low dose chemotherapy. It is for sure more difficult to recover from 75% then 50%, but I need to try to get more bang for my buck from chemotherapy. The day after this last chemotherapy I went to the hyperbaric chamber then came home and slept from about 2:00 pm - 8:00 pm, I was awake for a few hours and then went back to bed and slept for another 10 hours or so. My body is tired and needs rest in order to heal. I recommend that every one in the area try the hyperbaric chamber at least once, when you call to schedule your appointment, tell them I sent you and you will get your first 60-minute session for only $39. The chamber treats over 80 different ailments from PTSD, strokes, TBI, autism, cancer, wound care, post-surgery healing, and much more. This is an amazing modality that I cannot say enough positive things about!

New Leaf Hyperbarics
1200 Executive Parkway #230
Eugene, Oregon
541.636.3278
http://newleafhyperbarics.com

I want to share photographs of my success in using the chamber. Although a bit graphic, the images depict the severity of the mass. I am quite sure you can only imagine the pain I am experiencing. Most importantly, you can see the reduction in inflammation of the mass. The oxygen chamber is working!!! I am so grateful I have access to this modality and that it is working. 

 
 

I continue to utilize alternative modalities in combination with western medicine, a majority of which is not covered by medical insurance. If you would like to offer financial support you can mail donations to the address listed below or make a direct donation at your local Selco Credit Union. Every dollar donated goes directly towards my treatment.

Mailing donations:

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Selco Credit Union Direct Deposit: "Team Christina"



Today, I am hopeful~

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Oxygen Hyperbaric Chamber

I just started using the oxygen hyperbaric chamber last week and I am THRILLED with the early results. I have complete two 60 minute sessions and have experienced a reduction in inflammation in the axillary region. Not only has the inflammation decreased but my energy is increasing. Imagine what I cannot see, all those cancer cells are dying. The oxygen chamber treats over 80 aliments from autism, CP, arthritis, PTSD, TBI, cancer and more. I am strongly encouraging everyone try the chamber at least one time. When you call to schedule your appointment, tell them I sent you and you will receive your first 60-minute session for only $39.

New Leaf Hyperbarics

1200 Executive Parkway #230

Eugene, Oregon

541.636.3278

http://newleafhyperbarics.com

I am now rock’n my bald look once again, the third time to be exact. I do not mind being bald, I actually kind of like it. I continue to work on placing my eyelashes on so they look as grand and glorious as possible. Some days they just go on wacky and seems impossible to fix despite multiple tried to reapply. I have been asked many questions recently so I want to answer a few of the questions that I can remember off the top of my head. If you have more – send them my way and I will answer them privately or publically. Thank you for being interested in my journey.

Q: Is the mass operable?

A: No, the mass in not operable. The majority of the mass is a grouping of lyphnodes that have become diseased and inflamed causing them to, as I put it, develop their own city. If the site were to be operated on, it would most likely spread the disease throughout my entire body.

Q: Have you looked into “Orphan Drug Designation”?

A: To the extent, I know I do not qualify.

Q: Have you looked into “Right to try drugs”?

A: Yes, I have looked into right to try drugs which means that if you have a terminal diagnosis, you may gain access to trial drugs that are in Phase 1 FDA trial specific to the type of diagnosis you have. Although there is a pathway to gain access, there are currently no drugs being researched by the FDA for triple negative metastatic breast cancer that I am interested in trying. Equally, the process to access the drugs is quite complex and often requires biopsies and other procedures.

Q: Have you tried to get an assessment for the Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber with Samaritan Health? (The local medical group in my area)

A: Yes, I was referred to the clinic for wound care by my oncologist. My appointment was canceled and I was never assessed because I do not qualify. However, I met directly with the MD of the clinic along with an RN who were very kind and compassionate. They offered a detailed explanation of why I do not qualify to use the chamber, this included literature. Even if my mass was completely open and ulcerated, I would still not qualify. There are strict guidelines on who can have access, typically it relates to diabetic wound care.  

Q: Does your oncologist support your treatment choices?

A: Yes, my oncologist respects and supports my treatment choices, he is extremely compassionate, encouraging, and supportive.

Q: Will you keep doing chemotherapy?

A: I am making this decision week by week. For now, I believe it is in my best interest to continue with low dose chemotherapy infusions.

Q: Is it hard for you to lose your hair again?

A: Nope, not really. It is a part of my journey that I have embraced and accepted five years ago. Plus, being bald is kind of cool.

Q: Is it scary to have your diagnosis?

A: I do not think it is scary, I just look at it differently – this is part of my journey and an opportunity to learn more about myself as I grow as an individual.

Q: Do you think you will really use Death with Dignity?

A: I am not sure. What I do know is that everything is in place to utilize DWD if I so choose. What I will say it that I am unwilling to suffer unnecessarily. I too am unwilling to watch my family and friends watch me suffer.   

Q: Does your family support your treatment choices and the way you are walking your journey?

A: Absolutely!

Well that’s all of the questions I could think of that have recently came my direction. Again, thank you to everyone that is walking this journey with me. Yes it is filled with twists and turns but it sure has been a great ride! Love to you all. Please continue sending prayer and healing thoughts and energy my direction. 

Today, I am hopeful~

I continue to utilize alternative modalities in combination with western medicine, a majority of which is not covered by medical insurance. If you would like to offer financial support you can mail donations to the address listed below or make a direct donation at your local Selco Credit Union. Every dollar donated goes directly towards my treatment.

Mailing donations:

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Selco Credit Union Direct Deposit: "Team Christina"

*****************************************

50% to 75%, it is a bit rough

My friend Tanya and I prior to infusion.

I am enjoying this week, I am in the off week cycle of chemotherapy; three weeks on, one week off. The first two infusions I chose to do low dose chemotherapy at 50%, then the third, I chose to increase to 75%. I was comfortable with 50% and I was functioning quite well, minus the day after the infusion – Fridays were my say something crazy day! I chose to increase the dosing to 75% due to increased inflammation and pain that was emitting from the mass in my arm pit. The growth is beginning to look like a third breast it is so large and the pain continues to be around a 7/8. There is something about pain that psychologically can bring you to your knees, I must be diligent to apply positive self-talk, self-care practices, and processing of all the emotions that fade in and out. I am being diligent to remain positive and hopeful. 

After infustion. 

My energy level is decreasing and I am now napping regularly in the afternoons, it has become part of my new routine. My body is tired and needs rest in order to continue healing. The rash that appeared last year after a few infusions of chemotherapy has returned on my knees and elbows. I think what a strange place to get a rash - I too wonder why there? I am sure someone has a theory or two. I leave myself notes and make hand written lists of things I need to do as my memory recall is drifting away. I often laugh when Curtis asks me where I have been and I can’t recall, so we head out to my car to see where I ran errands to and what I picked up. Upon one look we learned

I had purchased some plants for the yard along with a couple household items from Target.

I was pleased to have some letters arrive from my writings pals. The trick now is to figure out what hurts less, to write by hand or type; I may have to get even more creative. I did receive a letter that contained many questions directed at me. I am still processing how I feel about this -there were about 8-10 questions folded into the typed letter. I was a bit taken back, but I am not quite sure why. My first thought was that I do not know this person very well, but I so admired her when our paths crossed, she is “good people”. The questions made me think that she had read every blog entry I had written, which was flattering. These questions identified that there are dangling pieces of stories in my writings. Why is that? I too thought about the many questions all the readers of my blog must have - but they remain unanswered. I thought too, I am sharing so much of myself and yet you want more? I am still processing as I type. I just reread the typed note. All these questions circulating in her head and her choosing to just go for it and ask me the questions hoping I received them well. They are good questions too. I like it. I like the fact that she just went for it and asked me all these questions she had floating around in her mind for all these months. Many of these questions I do have answers to share while there too may be ones that I leave dangling - I too believe this is okay. This is one of the reasons I have enjoyed writing back and forth with people - there is no time-line or expectation to write a response, although I always do respond. The most striking part of writing, it encourages me to experience life at a deeper level, to push myself to be a better person, to grow in my spirituality, and to live from a place of gratitude. So keep asking me those questions while sharing a piece of yourself - the authenticity of the correspondence thrills me.

My slipping memory is something I accepted a long time ago. I typically don't remember what I write to people, what our telephone conversation was about, or why we laughed so hard we were brought to tears. This is okay. What is rich is that in each moment, there is so much love and an authentic exchange of ideas, that the details can fade away because we all leave feeling better for having that slice of time together. It's actually quite magical, at least for me. 

I recently learned of an oxygen hyperbaric chamber in Eugene, it is not covered by insurance, but I can have access to the treatment! I have scheduled an appointment this week. I am so excited because this modality is medically proven to aid in healing of wounds. The side benefit is that cancer cells cannot live in an oxygen rich environment therefore I will be killing cancer cells while healing the wound. My hope is to utilize the chamber every day for 10 days and then reassess the situation. 

There is quite a bit of assessing and reassessing going on in my life right now, I want to make choices that support bringing my body into balance, from a direction of least resistance, and from a place of love. I am determined to turn away from making decisions and choices based on fear or desperation. I feel pretty good about how things are going; yes, this journey requires patience and I have that. This journey requires positivity and I have that. This journey requires deep spirituality, and I have that. This journey requires being open to receiving, and I have that. More than anything, this journey requires unwavering faith while living from a place of gratitude. Seeing the beauty through the pain, through the struggle, through the tears. I know I have what it takes to walk this journey even when there are many obstacles. I am forever grateful for the amazing family, friends, and others that are walking this journey with me, believing in me and giving me the strength to walk with grace. Thank you. 

Today, I am hopeful~

I continue to utilize alternative modalities in combination with western medicine, a majority of which is not covered by medical insurance. If you would like to offer financial support you can mail donations to the address listed below or make a direct donation at your local Selco Credit Union. Every dollar donated goes directly towards my treatment.

Mailing donations:

Christina Garrett

PO Box 192

Philomath, Oregon 97370

Selco Credit Union Direct Deposit: "Team Christina"

Life is Good

Last rent check ever!

There is much to share that has occurred over the past few weeks. Curtis and I are the proud new owners of our forever home. We have been renting homes since returning to Oregon in 2011. When I was diagnosed with cancer nearly five years ago, we were living in Texas and we wanted to get “back home” to Oregon. We placed our Texas home for sale, unfortunately, this was around the time the housing crisis hit Texas. In the end, we were forced to short-sale our home, cut our loses and do whatever it took to get back to Oregon. We imagined renting for many years until I regained my health and saved money, then we could purchase a home. However, this turned out not to be the case.

When I was very ill last year, I applied for disability and eventually was approved. One day when I was reviewing my banking account, I noticed a large sum of money had been deposited into the account – the source was social security disability. I later learned that I was eligible to receive back payment of benefits – yippee! My first thought was to call my friend David who owns a mortgage business to see if we could get approved for a home loan; we had this lump sum of money that could be used as a down payment. I called David on a Thursday, gathered up all the necessary documents he needed to send through underwriting for approval, dropped the documents off Friday morning and by Friday afternoon learned we were approved for a home loan! We could not believe it; it was like a miracle of goodness was happening for our family. By the following Friday, Curtis and I had found the perfect gem of a home listed for sale by a local builder, we made an offer and it was accepted. No more renting for us, our money now will be put toward our own home. As it turns out, the amount of money needed for the down payment on our new home, closely matched the amount of money received from my retroactive disability payment. Seriously, this is such a blessing; a home to call our own where I can nest, create my perfect Zen retreat where I will regain my health.

We have moved into our new home and everything is organized and put together. I absolutely love my new home – it embodies peace, positive energy, and healing. I cannot stop smiling, there is such an eagerness to have a space to call my own, one where I know I will be poised to regain my health. Our family was able to move with such ease because we have many wonderful friends that offered to help with the move, cleaning of the rental home, and unpacking our current home. Curtis and I are filled with gratitude by the outpouring of love and support from the incredible individuals in our lives.

My health has been interesting since returning from Germany. While I was making progress in holding back the cancer cell grow in Germany, not having access to the drugs upon my return, through my body into a tail spin of sorts. I have found a way to access one of the medications by having it shipped from overseas, however it is very expensive so although I still have a small amount of the injectable medication, I am not able to take it at the recommended dosage. But you know, we have to work with what we have so I have found some creative ways to utilize herbs and plants to garner some forms of medication. For example, Laetrile is a cancer fighting agent banned in the US. One can access Laetrile overseas and I was being treated successfully with the drug while in Germany. Laetrile is compounded from apricot seeds; therefore, I located a supplier of the seeds and am able to ingest the bitter seeds daily. I too have added a new supplement recommended by acupuncturist that is compounded by a local Oregon man. Is what I am doing working, who knows! What I do know is that I have energy and am feeling pretty well. Quality of life is critical and I have a lovely quality of life.

The other side of the post Germany treatment is that I have had an extreme upswing in tumor marker counts along with the mass, located in my arm pit, growing alarmingly large and increasingly uncomfortable. The mass was slightly weeping and was about to ulcerate, kind of where I was last year this time except for much worse. After much consideration, I decided that utilizing low dose chemotherapy, in conjunction with my other modalities is the best decision for my body. I have now had two infusions of chemotherapy at 50% the regular dose – this is what low dose means. My infusion day is Thursdays. The recovery is doable thus far. The day after the infusion I am a bit out of my mind. I say lots of crazy strange things that no one understands; I too am incredibly tired and cannot keep my eyes open. However, by Saturday I seem to be back with it and ready to resume living. The cycle for chemotherapy is weekly for three weeks then one week off. I have decided that this week’s infusion will be at 75% rather than 50%. The mass in my axillary region causes a great deal of pain and discomfort, my hope is that with the increased dosing, it will speed the healing process while still being gentle to my body. After a week of no chemotherapy, I will need to reassess my condition and figure out what is best for my body. Low dose chemotherapy seems to be helping a bit. I too am utilizing my infrared sauna as a replacement for hyperthermia a treatment modality I was receiving in Germany.

Chemotherapy infusions have been okay. It is always a challenge to get a good vein for the IV. The second infusion was painful with a few additional pokes – that’s no fun. I am forever dealing with constipation from the morphine I take for pain control, add chemotherapy and I am doubled down on the constipation train! Enemas are a typical event for me. Wednesday night I was telling myself that I needed to have a bowel movement prior to chemotherapy. Well Thursday morning I awoke to an unfamiliar stomach cramping – yes, I do believe I was going to actually poop, for real! Over the next 20 minutes I proceeded to evacuate around 5 feet of fecal matter from my bowels! I clogged our new toilet causing the beginning of “Poop Gate 2016”. Curtis had to sort out the poop mess I made. Our little puppy Bella had some poop stuck to her fur needing Curtis’ attention and then our dog Junior pooped in the rocks instead of the grass. Thank goodness Curtis is such a good sport about all this! Holy Crap – for real for real. Below are some photos, the before and after photos are obvious! 

For now, I am working on finding my groove and settling into my new routine. I love that everything is falling into place making life easier and bringing increased joy into my life. Yes, I am still in a great deal of pain every day, but I choose not to allow this to be a barrier to my happiness. I just keep on going with a smile on my face. Sometimes I have a tender moment where my heart hurts – but this is brief as I am able to look around and see the abundant beauty that surrounds me. Life is good. Please continue to send healing thoughts and prayers my direction as they are needed.

I am missing writing letters; there was a group of individuals that I exchanged letters with frequently but this kind of faded away when I left for Germany. I hope to hear from you all again! It is amazingly cathartic for me to write. I will say that I am increasingly forgetful with the chemotherapy infusions so please do not be offended if I do not recall a conversation – it is my new normal that I fully embrace. Thank you to everyone that continues to love on my family, support us during this journey, and for believing that I will regain my health. I am filled with love and gratitude for having so many dedicated, loving, and authentic family and friends in my life. I am a lucky girl.

Today, I am hopeful~

Meeting life on life’s terms with grace, positivity, hope, and strength~

I am focused on maintaining my health while embracing life on life’s terms. I have been experiencing increased pain and tumor growth in my armpit axillary area, because of this, I have increased my pain medication to mitigate pain. While these changes have lessened pain a bit, I too have added a couple beers a day. I ask myself some days if I am actively developing into an alcoholic – I would prefer to not become an addict during this healing journey, addicted to morphine or alcohol. For now, this combination allows me to continue to function and “do life” without the side effects that additional pain medications would cause. It may seem silly or perhaps reckless but it is working for me and I am able to continue my daily activities absent disruption.

I believe that I am at a critical juncture in my treatment, yet again – actually this is a continuous adventure at every turn. I have made the choice to not undergo any tumor marker testing since returning from Germany. I do not need a test to tell me that there is increased tumor activity, I know there is, I feel it, you can see it, and it is causing great discomfort at times. There are moments of frustration that living in the US means I do not have access to medications that were successfully holding the cancer cells steady and pushing other cancer cells back. There are moments when I feel exhausted from this nearly five-year ordeal. Then there are moments that I am grateful for my circumstances because I never would have grown to be the individual I am today. Let’s just say that I have many moments to consider my current condition and experience fully the positive and challenging aspects of each all of which I come to a place of gratitude.

Since my last post, my dear friend Joel – whom I met at Infusio in Germany, has passed away. He was ready and was at peace. I instantly claimed him as one of my guardian angels, I know he understands my challenges and is guiding me while watching over me. Although I only knew Joel for a short time, there was an instant bond – we shared similar struggles and without words, could gather understanding and empathy. It is difficult being a part of a community where I have friends, that are in various stages of potentially dying. It is interesting the paths each of us have chosen and how varied the psychological impact is uniquely expressed. It makes me thankful for the peace that I feel and the endless hope that resides within the depth of my soul.

I am currently giving myself injections to boost my immune system; I have enough medication (purchased outside the US) to do this for a couple months and am hopeful my body will respond favorably. Of course I have my foundational herbs and supplements I take daily but I too am considering revisiting Rick Simpson Oil (RSO)and chemotherapy. I am not sure if I wrote about my RSO experience, but taking it resulted in one of the most anxiety provoking moments of my life – one that I wish to never experience again. Chemotherapy, well this too results in anxiety – but it is manageable with medication and the side effect of not being able to really remember large chunks of treatment is a gift. I have recently realized that I need to consider revisiting treatments that provoke discomfort to potentially circumvent ulceration of my very active tumor site. Yes, this is a familiar place – similar to the one I was in about 12 months ago. Quality of life is paramount to me and currently my quality of life is suffering due to discomfort.

I enjoyed a fabulous visit to Texas to see friends and family. After returning from a recent visit to Texas, I met with my local oncologist to discuss low dose chemotherapy options and utilizing the hypobaric oxygen chamber for wound care. I have an appointment at the end of the month to be evaluated for the hypobaric chamber, I am hoping I will “qualify”. It is crazy, this treatment would provide comfort and healing to my body yet I have to be “qualified” to use this modality. I too know that it is a long shot for approval but I remain steadfast in pursuing this treatment– the worst they could say is no, and if so, then I shall appeal that no, if needed. When I look at the protruding mass that rests in my armpit, the peak of the growth which sits at the tip of several previous incision site endings, coupled with the deep red redness of the skin, I think it’s a slam dunk that I get approved.  As for the low dose chemotherapy, I am considering doing 75%-50% of the last treatment drug I used, Abraxane, on a weekly cycle, to see if this would provide additional relief as it did last time. I know that my body will not do well with full-on chemotherapy as I did last year – 6 doses nearly killed me, literally. I will continue with my practices and will know within the coming weeks what direction I will chose to go. There are no “I have to” kind of speak for this girl; this is my body and my decision on what will be best for my body.

While I was in Texas, I met with Sharon, my Ayurvedic practitioner. She spoke of me changing the way I speak of my condition and treat the area that is causing discomfort. I learned how to accept this mass as part of my physical body, right now, and ways to love and give attention to that which is causing me great physical pain. Metaphorically, this tumor site can be considered a child that is throwing a temper tantrum needing additional love and attention. Rather than being upset by the tantrum, offer love and acceptance of the condition, after all, it is a part of my physical body. It is quite remarkable, in changing the way I experience this discomfort, it makes my condition palatable. I now gently cup my tumors in my hand and talk to them – I refer to my mass as “My Darling”, I offer comfort, love, and hope. You see I want my entire body to stop seeing this mass as the enemy or something bad, instead I desire my body to seeing My Darling as needing help. I want my body to call in the troops to offer assistance; my entire body system to work in concert, finding that balance and regaining complete health. I need my body to not respond to My Darling as an invader, but rather recognizing that this is a cry for additional support, help, and love. I too am asking myself, what is my path of least resistance and choosing this path.

Is it easy right now? No.  

Am I enjoying life? Yes.

Do I have hope? Always.

This is part of my journey and I continue to learn as I go. At times I stumble, but this is okay. Am I uncomfortable, yes. But there are highlights and my ability to reframe is quite spectacular. For example, not having a bowel movement for about 4 days and needing my husband to give me an enema…again, because I cannot physically get to honey hole – if you know what I mean! What is the bright spot you may ask? Getting to poop – there is nothing quite like it, after being locked up for so long. In these moments, I am reminded that it truly is about the little things in life that bring such great joy. As I sat on the toilet with pure delight during my bowel evacuation, I smiled because I am beyond fortunate to have a spouse that has not abandoned me during this process, that instead has made the choice to lean further into our relationship and love me at a deeper level. Curtis cares for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I know women who are not blessed with a dedicated spouse as I am. So through this all – I am filled with gratitude that Curtis is such an amazing husband.

We do have some big family news, we have added a new member to our family, Bella Mia. She is a Maltese/MiniPoodle mix weighing only 1lb. 12oz., when fully grown she will weigh 4-5 pounds.  We named her Bella Mia in honor of my friend Joel. While getting treatment in Germany, Bella Mia was the name of our favorite restaurant to eat at. One evening Joel, his wife Jeanne, Curtis and I shared a meal that we will always hold close to our hearts. Our Maltese Junior (3.5yrs) is getting used to Bella and they are beginning to play together. It appears that Ms. Bella will be in charge of the Garrett puppy group, or so it seems at this juncture. Junior is a sweetie and allows Bella to eat and drink from his dish along with playing with his coveted toy.

Life is good and challenging, I would not have it any other way.

Today, I am hopeful~

Ask. Believe. Receive.

I am healing and embracing each day of increased energy. Returning home from Germany has certainly settled my mind, body, and spirit; there truly is no place like home. There has been emotional moments, but this is too be expected. Last week on Wednesday was a particularly difficult day, especially for Curtis. His spirit was left broken and hope far out of reach; it was heartbreaking to watch. That night, I had a lot of alone time to think about life and our future. In general I am a hopeful person, but I have dialed deeply into hope over the past nearly five years since being diagnosed. Wednesday night, as 11:00 pm approached, which is extremely late for me to be up, I retired to my bed. As I lay in bed, there was a smile that adorned my face. I was silently repeating a mantra I often repeat as I drift off to sleep. Then it hit me. I want to have unwavering hope and a belief I WILL find health just as I did in my fundraising efforts to get treatment in Germany. You see, I always knew and believed it was possible to raise the money needed - I NEVER wavered, I just trusted it would happen in perfect timing. And so it did. So there it is, I am digging deeper than ever before to gain absolute unwavering faith that I will find health, in its perfect time. I know this will require patience. . I am so focused on inviting in positive energy from my higher power and deeply rooting myself into life and finding balance.

Since that tearful Wednesday night, wonderful things have started opening up around me. Ask. Believe. Receive. is in full force in my life. I am working to be increasingly and fully present in each moment. Enjoying the small and large pieces of my life. Laughing even more than before. Continuing to not take myself too serious - which too brings laughter. I am riding a wave of blessings at this moment and rising above the challenges that may cross my path. While this may not sound like something new and unique for me, I will tell you that something has shifted for me - I feel it. I get goose bumps when speaking of it. It makes sense to me and that is what is significant.

Curtis is doing much better; this is a process that is heartbreaking for our family at moments. I am filled with gratitude to have family and friends that continue to love and nurture us through this time of transition. Things that Curtis and I thought were not possible for many years are coming together rapidly and bringing much eagerness into our lives. It is amazing how things fall into place, in their perfect timing, as the universe aligns and we become one. Thank you to everyone that continues to pray, send positive healing energy, and love our direction. We need this; we do feel surrounded by love.


Today, I am hopeful~

I am back from Germany

It is so good to be home! It was quite the journey up to the very last moment. Curtis and I arrived home Monday morning at 4:00 am, we were exhausted from our journey as you will quickly learn of our unexpected adventures.

 

Friday after treatment Mr. B. drove me straight from Infusio to the Couva boarding house, to pick-up Curtis, and all our luggage. I did not desire to do a double check of the flat to insure I packed everything the night before, I just wanted to leave. I was done with treatment and ready to move onto the next chapter. Curtis and I had booked a room at a hotel attached to the Frankfurt airport, this would be our drop point for Mr. B. It was the craziest drop-off ever. There were absolutely no signs leading to the hotel; we could see the hotel but couldn't figure out how to get there! Through a series of events we found ourselves in a parking garage, lost. Our bags were on a luggage cart and the three of us were wondering around, clearly lost. After asking a few people for directions, this kind man began escorting us through a series of hallways, elevators, more hallways, and elevators; at times I was running to keep up with his fast walking pace, until we finally found the entrance to the hotel! As I was checking us in, the nice man was asking Curtis for money - a finders fee of sorts. Curtis was a bit pissed but I was more than happy to pay the guy. With a final squeeze of Mr. B and a friendly wave goodbye, he left us and we were on our own. We settled into our hotel room had a few minor issues, but the hotel was extremely accommodating. YES, finally, American regular sheets - so delightful. Above are a couple photos of the airport from our hotel.

Departure day was here, Sunday - time to travel back to Oregon. A gentleman from the hotel loaded our luggage on a cart and took us directly to the Condor gate; as the woman checked our bags, she asked how long we were in Germany and if we enjoyed ourselves. As she was reviewing our passports I shared that I was getting cancer treatment - she exclaimed "oh shit!" in her British accent, it was quite funny. Bags were checked, no problems and the nice woman offered to get us a cart to scoot through the airport as it is huge. We loaded into the cart and were escorted in style to the front of the line. Security double checked my computer and then went completely through my carry-on bag. At the other side of the security was another cart waiting to deliver us to a travel lounge by the departure gate. We grabbed a quick bite to eat and then headed to the gate when boarding was scheduled. We stood in the crowd when all of a sudden we were surrounded by police and security. That's when I thought "oh shit". We were escorted to a secondary security site searched, scanned, and questioned. We were let go - thankfully. Shortly after that we boarded the 12 hour flight from Frankfurt to Vegas. The flight was uneventful. Curtis slept for a few hours - I was wide awake; it was the middle of the day. By the time we landed in Vegas, I was pooped and ready to go to sleep, it was 11:30 pm Frankfurt time, well past my bedtime. 

We knew we had a four hour layover and thought that was okay because we had to go through customs, pick-up our luggage, re-check the luggage, and then head to security. Rounding the corner to go through customs we were shocked by the lines of people. We quickly scanned and figured out that we did not have to wait in the "visiting" line, we promptly went the the US Citizen line, there was only one person in front of me. The man questioned me, why I was wearing a mask "so you are wearing it because of germs or what?" Matching his tone, I stated "well kind of, I have terminal cancer". The questions stopped. We then headed to claim our baggage - which took forever to come out. One more potential hurdle with the baggage, getting out of the customs area. I quickly removed my mask as to not draw additional attention. The woman smiled and said that she liked my hair. We then rechecked our bags without incident and headed to security. The cattle line was amazingly long; that created an incredible illusion, just when you think you have arrived, you have not. When we got to a point in the line where I could flag down a TSA agent, I explained I could no longer stand in the line so we were able to jump the line! Cancer Benefits! By our measurement people were in the line for about 30 minutes. 

We grabbed a bite to eat and found a spot where I could lay down on the ground and maybe go to sleep. By then the flight was scheduled to leave in an hour. I laid out my blanket and laid down, closed my eyes, and then heard Curtis say - the flight is delayed. The flight continued to be delayed. We were originally scheduled to arrive in Oregon around 10:00 pm, we did not land in Portland until 2:00 am, we both slept during the 1.5 hour flight. By the time we arrived home it was 4:00 am. We were met by beautiful potted flowers outside our front door compliments of Elaine. When we opened the door Junior met us - he was so happy to see us and seemed a bit pissed that we had been gone for so long. Jackson and Cole had made a welcome home sign along with some flowers; there too was a card with flowers and a balloon from Elaine. I gave both my sleeping kiddos a squeeze and Curtis and I headed to bed. Surprisingly, Curtis and I both awoke at 9:00 am and started our day. It took me all day to unpack and I did not finish the laundry until the next day. 

Here are some photos from the trip that I did not have a chance to share yet. 

Whole new meaning to peeing cheek to cheek!

 

Pictured above are my new friends Sonya (L) and Jeannie & Joel (R)

The big question now is - was the treatment successful. This is going to be a wait and see kind of thing. While in Frankfurt, I did monitor my tumor cell markers; at first they continued to increase but at a slower rate then prior to treatment. By the end of treatment, one tumor marker continued to decrease while the other one was within points of when I first arrived. While this may sound discouraging, it is just the opposite. The treatment clearly slowed tumor activity. I expect this will continue as the months progress. I am giving myself shots every four days for 16 times. I have done a lot of research on this treatment and I am super excited about the possibilities; the injection increases the macrophage, cancer cell eating army, in the body. This medicine is not available in the US and is said to cost $1000 a vial, for 8 shots. If this injection proves to be successful in my body, I will be finding a way to obtain more so I can continue treating this cancer until it is gone. There is a large tumor that continues to grow under my arm; its pretty uncomfortable. I am using an infrared light at least one hour a day on the tumor area site - at home hyperthermia along with using an infrared sauna every other day for as long as possible; I am going to have to work my way up to 60 minutes - I am at 17 minutes right now. Of course I am doing a whole host of other things with my diet and supplements.

Today, Curtis and I went to see my oncologist. The appointment was quite devastating and I was not prepared for what I learned. We went there with two action items, first to follow-up on the death with dignity process and obtaining the prescription and the second,  to see the PET/CT scans taken after chemotherapy back in December 2015. Although I had received the written report, I wanted to see the images. When the doctor pulled up the scans, I was pretty sure he clicked on the wrong date, but he had not. I was shocked to see the images. I then asked to see the pre-chemotherapy images. When he presented those, I started to cry. Although I had read the reports, the images were much more telling - the amount of black areas, noting cancer, was marked. It literally took my breath away. He then went back to the post chemotherapy images and asked what do you think when you see these images. My response "oh shit". What I didn't tell him was the rest of the sentence, I am going to die. He asked if I wanted to discuss treatment options, I told he there is no way my body can take chemotherapy again - it nearly killed me last time. He shifted the conversation to my Germany treatment. Curtis and I both left a bit stunned. I couldn't contain myself. We had planned to eat at Kylo's but I said no. We continued down the coast line traveling back home, I stared out the window looking at the ocean, tears flowing uncontrollably. I asked Curtis to pull over, I had to get out of the car. I walked to the edge of the cliff and stood on a rock overlooking the ocean. I cried. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I breathed in the cold, fresh, ocean air. I felt the wind whisper, it is going to be okay. I felt a peace cover my body. It was very cold and windy. Curtis joined me on the rock, I was shivering so he took me back to the car. I turned up the heat, rolled my window down, opened the sun roof, and watched the waves. I don't know how long we were there. I had just experienced feeling desperate and hopeless, something I never wanted to feel and when I did - I had to get out of the car. The ocean air calmed my mind, soul, and body. I was able to refocus and find that peaceful place. I was still crying, but the tears were not of desperation and hopelessness. As I type this, the tears are flowing - how can they not. I am reminding myself that I just underwent an intensive month long treatment and the next 60 days are critical to healing and ridding my body of this cancer. Patient, be patient. 

Bottom line, I feel pretty good, much better than when I left. My energy is increasing which is awesome. I am just going to keep looking forward while remaining hopeful. Please keep me in your prayers and sending positive healing energy my direction. Thank you to everyone that is rooting for me and who continue to be a part of my journey. I am so fortunate to have many around me that love and support me - I am a lucky girl, I am choosing to live in gratitude.

Today, I am hopeful~