July 29, 2011

The healing begins, in more than one way...

As I compose this blog, I am sipping on the ever so delicious poo poo juice [magnesium citrate] in the hopes my bowels will commence with evacuation immediately!  I am unclear which of the trifecta is most uncomfortable: the whole body fluid retention, inability to get the bowels moving, or the surgery site pain.

The morning of surgery Pam Kress with TOPS Comprehensive Breast Center greeted me with a twinkle in her eye and a comforting smile.  TOPS nurse, Afsoneh is a woman that is small in stature who radiates compassion, love, and encouragement in infinite volumes.  She gently embraces me telling me she has a good feeling about all this and that she prayed for me on this morning.  At one point, she hands me a small card housing a Wish Token – a silver heart shaped metal token with an angel embossed on one side and the words never lose hope on the other.  Afsoneh tells me she was thinking of me and wanted me to have the Wish Token.  She is an incredibly kind woman. 

The eviction process is complete; the pre-eviction process was a whole lot of OUCH!  Insertion of small wires into the tumors resembled a game of keep away, as the tumors dodged the wires.  After the wires were firmly in place, I was treated to another mammogram…OUCH!  Finally, the tumor extraction occurred as I delightfully slumbered.  The doctor removed a large section of my breast; the good news is that the implant remains intact, forming the breast mound.  I am at home and doing well, although a bit sore.  The porta-catheter is in place; a small incision was made by my collarbone, with a larger one adjacent to my armpit.  The SMART PORT (official name) is visible by way of a small bump beneath the skin.  It is very tender…OUCH!     

My Healing MantraI repeat this several times throughout the day and during meditation
I know my thoughts and my mind are powerful.  My mind is telling my body to heal itself, to adjust back into balance.  Right now, my body is working to bring itself into balance.  My body knows exactly how to achieve this.  My healthy cells are gobbling-up the cancer cells and expelling them from my body.  My body is adjusting back into balance. 

My Inner Personal Healing
Earlier in the week, while visiting the chiropractor’s office, I lay face down on the table with electrodes connected to my lower back.  Relaxing music was playing in the background of the darkened peaceful room.  Repeatedly, I began quietly whispering my healing mantra.  After several minutes, I found myself delving into a deep emotional state of self-compassion for my childhood suffering; and the anguish that was left unnoticed and silenced.  I then began speaking, with great clarity, to the child who was not seen.  She sat in a plum tree, her bare feet dangled from a tree branch.  There was deep sadness and sorrow in her emerald eyes.  I understood because she is a part of me.  I spoke words of encouragement to her and reassured her of her talents and gifts.  I spoke these words repeatedly:

“I see you!”
“I apologize that these things are happening to you.”
“Your pain and sadness is real; I hear you.”
“You are loveable and worthy.”
“Your strength is unwavering; you stand firmly in your truth.”
“I see you and understand.”

This was a powerful moment for me and very unexpected yet freeing!  I am on a personal journey seeking authentic peace, happiness, and life.  It is ironic that the path to self-discovery and enlightenment continues to take me back to a familiar place: me as a child who was not seen.  Many years ago, I accepted and came to peace with childhood trauma and suffering at the hands of others.  What I did not realize was that the healing was not complete; I needed to reach deep within myself to find the child that suffers within and to begin healing these residual wounds.  This moment came with great clarity and the setting was defined; I wanted to document the experience.  I enlisted the assistance of my artistic son who expeditiously sketched a pencil line drawing of the setting I explain to him.  He eloquently captured the moment in his drawing.  I have the drawing framed on my desk with a bright yellow star attached to the frame that reads, “I see you!” 

And the healing begins.  Today, I am hopeful.