Of course I want to always be as positive as possible yet over the past several days I have felt closer to death than I wish to travel again. I remain fatigued, feeling broken, and without much hope. I told a few friends last week “fuck it, I am no longer going to hide what my real truth is when I feel awful”. So I will not. It has really been a struggle since last Friday. This weekend I was unable to get out of bed; Monday, it was difficult to walk to the sofa – but I finally made it. Today, I feel like shit yet again, but after finally giving in and taking some medication, am seeing a bit of relief. There have been many tears shed over the past few days. Curtis looking after me so gently – with love, that kind of love that clearly shows –“for better or worse, we are in this together”, he says this often. His heart breaks; he knows not where to place his pain or make sense of all this. Together we cannot make sense of it either. I think it is one of those – it just sucks kind of deals. No sense can be made.
I want to feel better for a lot of reasons, I want to live and I feel as though I am merely existing right now. I am quite sure my photo speaks loudly – it is painful. I hope to gain my strength to be able to travel to Texas in a couple weeks. At this moment, I just cannot see it happening, but then I am just struggling in this moment, so the future seems too far off to consider.
While we appreciate everyone’s dedication to sending and offering positive healing energy and prayers for healing I am going to be frank – what we need is to raise money so Curtis can take leave from work – FMLA Family Medical Leave Act – this is an unpaid leave from work, leaving us no income to pay our bills. In addition, we must make our health insurance premium payment while he is on leave. My family has helped with medical premiums and our rent for three months – but we have many more expenses and no way to pay them. Please spread the word that we need help. I want to spend time with Curtis and he wants to spend time with me. Please help us, every dollar counts!
Please support our fundraising efforts:
I am behind on my return letter writing, really too fatigued to do much of anything, but appreciate each word that is sent my way. I just got off the phone with my oncologist and he has placed orders for me to go to the infusion center for hydration, hoping this may help. Now I wait for the infusion center to contact me and schedule my appointment, hopefully sooner than later.
Today, I am hopeful~