I have been thinking about life, a great deal lately
and the more I do, the more I want to capture these memories – if even for a
moment. I am beginning to compile list of “stuff”. As I reflect, I am coming up
blank – but that is okay; this is part of the new me that I am trying to
embrace. I must embrace and accept all parts of me, this is hard at times. If I
don’t write it down – I shall not remember! I want to remember all the pieces
of my life because they are important.
Daily wound dressing changes weigh heavy on Cutis
emotionally. It is incredibly difficult for my husband to see my wound and to
see me in pain. Therefore, I take measures to insure he does not see the wound
while we are dressing it. Curtis makes the healing paste, comprised of fresh
neem leaf’s, turmeric powder, and neem powder. I pack the paste into the open
wound; once packed, I place an opti-lock wicking away material over the
outside.
Recently Curtis remarked about how my wound looks, I
do not recall the specific words, but they cut deep and brought me to an
uncontrollable releasing of tears. There I was, standing partially clothed in
our bathroom, arm lifted into the air as I was getting bandaged – my tears could
not stop flowing. Simply put, I needed him. In that moment, I felt like I just
lost him. I want him to change my bandage.
I did not want yet another stranger in my home – it’s not a modesty thing but
rather an intrusion in my sacred space. I just wanted my Curtis to figure it out
with me, that’s all – we could certainly figure it out. We are the ultimate
Team Christina and we will do this together – no matter what. Right? I wanted him
to love each ugly gross piece of me, even though, even when. The sorrow
escaping the pores of my body was deep. My greatest fear looking directly at me.
Silently, in my head, I begged him to stay with me, however he was not implying
that he wanted to leave me. Curtis would never leave – his marital vows are
sacred and he took extremely serious. What was happening for him during this
bandage change – he was sharing the pain he was feeling. He wanted me to understand
his pain and that he was not sure what to do with it. He did know one thing; he would like some
back-up! Totally fair. Completely reasonable. Here we both stood – confused,
overwhelmed, not knowing where to go next.
We process this journey differently; we ask for what we needed in different
ways. Each time we encounter difficulties,
we somehow manage to get through them. He and I are determined individuals and
Team Christina WAS together!
Curtis continues to share a deep anger, followed by a
great irritation, when one may remark, “it is so surprising you [Cutis] would
stay, you are so noble.” It just pisses him off, of course he would stay – that
is what you do – you honor marriage vows. Then Curtis says he is able to get to
a space where he is able to accept the words as they were intended, that of a
compliment. He does note that it is a viscous loop that he gets caught in
often. While many may think they are making a compliment to the person – it can
be received as offensive as well. Think about it this way – he took his marital
vows serious, so to think he would even consider leaving is so offensive to him.
Next time, before you deliver what you believe is a compliment -give it a second
thought.
Let me rant for a moment: High profile “famous”
individuals, such as David Foster – really exposed fans to his authentic self,
in rock star fashion, He chose to leave his darling wife Yolanda because she
became chronically ill with Lyme disease. These events have brought even more
attention to the sheer number of spouses that choose to leave their loved one when
they need them the most. It is a rather disgusting trend occurring across the
county. I recently listened to an interview Yolanda participated in with Dr.
Phil – the discussion included Yolanda stating “I am not the same woman that he
[David Foster] married”. It made me think that – in truth, we all change,
develop, and grow in relationship; none of us are the exact same person. So to the
men and women who have left their significant other in their greatest time of
need – I offer, how does one register this action as acceptable in nature? In
my world, real men and women stay, love, and support, their loved one through
the illness – even though, even when. Is
it difficult to be the caretaker, absolutely! Are there times where choosing
the leave the relationship is the right answer, while of course, there is
always the exception. I am fortunate that I know my guy will stay with me no
matter what – this is dedication and this is yet another reason while I love my
Curtis so deeply.
Over the past two weeks I have noticed shift in
emotions – I am a crying person. I once was mortified to consider myself in
this category yet today, I embrace the status. The act of crying truly heals the
soul and makes one feel cleansed and refreshed. I cry. I want to get better and
for my body to heal itself. Do I feel as though I can beat the odds and
continue to live? I say yes! I too look at my ulcerated tumor along with acknowledging
all the pain I am in and wonder, can I really? Oh trust, if you saw a photo of
the tumor you too may be stunned by atrocity that has developed, opened up and
rests comfortably in my armpit. I have not decided if I want to go public with
the visual – I think it may make everything worse. Instead, let me describe it
to you. First of all, it is quite fantastic – yet most things I have seem to
rock that direction. It literally looks as though a fish head is emerging from
my armpit. There are breathing gills, eyes, and a large mouth, it reminds me of
a catfish. So yes, I have a freaking fish growing from my armpit – Happy Halloween?!?!?!?!
I am in this interesting phase of my life. I remain hopeful that I will become better,
yet I am on hospice. How does one resonate that in their mind. The goal of hospice
is to control pain and provide comfort. A patient is placed on hospice if
believed the patient will pass within 6 months. Hospice and I are getting closer to finding
the perfect balance of pain management that still allows for me to be up right
doing things. It was oddly decided last week, more so by the RN, that 5 on a
scale of 1-10 would be my goal. I will need to clear this up today because my
pain level goal will be a 3. I understand that they may bring about additional
sleeping – but this is okay because I need to sleep to heal my body. Right now,
my pain rests around a level 5/6.
The worst part now is that Curtis and I are both
struggling – with similar things, yet the desire and/or ability to discuss
these are not connecting. For me, I am searching for validation and/or
acceptance. I thought I had completed my inner child work on this topic, and
several others, many times over the past five years; yet here I sit, desperately
wanting to be told:
Thank you for the sweet card
You made my day with your gentle hug
Thank you for ……
I am not sure why this issue is appearing yet again;
what I do want to figure out is how to manage this, clear it from my plate, and
move forward. I have to know that I am enough without validation of others. I
am good enough. I am loved. I perfectly imperfect. Life is interesting in that
it has a way of making us go deeper with our thoughts in order to become a
better person. Whatever the case may be, through the occasional doubts, road
blocks, holes in the roads, and signs saying things are not possible – Curtis and
I will continue to stand strong together. You see, we do know how to lean into
each other and that is what we do. Walking a tight-rope is not an ease foot –
but when you believe in yourself and the other person, there is no
failure. For Curtis, I believe part of
his hold-up is that he may be talking with a person that does not know how to
bring relationships together, but rather creates ruptures, ultimately causing
new fractures. If this is truly happening, I hope this individual can quickly
find themselves and correct these errors quickly. Time is something we do not have,
and you know this.
We had our weekly meeting with my hospice RN to
discuss pain management and wound care. Last week wound care proved to be
painful and unpredictable. We were able to design a new medication treatment
plan – we started ER Morphine and now have doubled the ER Morphine to (90mg,
90mg, 90mg, 120mg) from last week. This was a new medication we began last
week, although I have taken Morphine ER previously, with little to know impact.
But this time, in conjunction with all the medication I am taking, it is now working!
I too was able to get an increase in my Trazodone to 100mg to sleep better. My
body needs rest in order to heal. Pain control, this is a tricky situation.
Just when you think you have it under control, it all goes sideways and PRN
medications are rolling in like crazy. I am hopeful that within the next few
days I will be feeling great. Most likely I will be napping daily, that is a
part that comes along with increased pain medication. Although the level I am
currently on would render most patients bedbound – sleeping most of the time. My
body just eats through those medications like crazy!
How am I doing at walking this tightrope?
I would say I am doing it in my perfectly imperfect
style.
Doing it my own way.
There is no right or wrong.
It just is what it is.
Yes, there it is, she is back!!!
Pay close attention, to how I process my hurt, fear,
and pain. Perhaps there is something you can take from these writings that will
inspire you to be a better person, to do things differently, to love yourself,
to own your stuff, to offer love, and to keep moving, do not get stuck. Getting
stuck in a patters or loops, I speak of often. You see, it does not matter how
fast you are moving, it is simply that you are moving forward. Life is like this;
we must find a way to continue moving forward as to not get stuck. I want to
offer my sincere gratitude for allowing me this writing to process and resolve
that which was hurting my heart. It is all good now.
Many have asked how they can help our
family. One of the easiest most helpful ways is to send gift cards to stores
such as: Safeway, McDonalds, Subway, or Panda Express and mail to either my
home address or to PO Box 192 Philomath, Oregon 97370. The gift cards make it
easy for the kids to go grab a quick bite or pick-up groceries for the
family.
Thank you to everyone that continues to pray, send healing thoughts, and positive energy our direction. Although I am unable to respond to every email, text, phone message, FB message etc. please know that I am reading and listening to each one and appreciate the continued support. I really enjoy opening the mail box to find up lifting letters, I thank you all for these words that are enormous gifts to my heart and soul.
Today, I am hopeful~