Why does this keep happening? This question weighs heavy on
my mind and most likely, not for the reasons you may be thinking! July 2011,
I learned of my aggressive breast cancer diagnosis; it has been nearly three
years post diagnosis. The looming question, leaving me in a quandary; why do
individuals – who know me fairly well, continue to ask questions about western “treatment
recommendations” after I experienced a little health bump in the road, well a
big health bump? I am notalone in this quandary; my husband too is continually bombarded with questions. Admittedly, he gets the brunt of the questions; making it worse is the barrage of unsolicited “Has your wife tried such and such?” We are left wondering, what the hell is going on here!?!? Are we failing to thoroughly and clearly convey the direction of my treatment choices? Is it that individuals are hearing but not listening to what we are saying? Could it be that individuals around us are so unhinged by my treatment choices, when they see an opening for western medicine or a new snappy alternative treatment to be tried, they bring it up? Perhaps it has nothing to do with him or I; it is their fears that are emerging? We wonder if individuals believe they are being helpful or informative?
You know that old saying the straw that broke the camel’s
back …it is like that. I am typically gracious when the topic of cancer
treatments arise; I am able to shift a conversation quite easily or use my
natural fallback, avoidance. My husband, he diplomatically powers through these
irritating and emotion provoking encounters with others. Here is some real talk
– It is too much, please stop. It is not helpful. In many situations, it is
disrespectful. My husband and I are left feeling unsupported. More than
anything, it is reminiscent of living in the shadows – not being seen, not
having a voice. Stepping outside of my emotional mind and into my logical mind,
there is an understanding that individuals are trying to connect, be helpful,
and “fix” the unfixable. The other side is that the continued chemotherapy and
radiation treatment questions along with unsolicited alternative treatment
suggestions – are simply not wanted. There, I said it. That felt good.
The Straw, well that arrived today. The cancer surgeon called
with the results from the tumor mass and lymph node pathology tonight, finally.
The mass in my breast was deemed an invasive ductal carcinoma. The lymph node
contained cancer cells. Then I learned that the surgeon took it upon himself
and removed two additional lymph nodes that were “attached” to the affected
lymph node. The removal of two additional lymph nodes, I did not authorize or consent
too. I clearly outlined, in writing, the cancer surgeon was to only remove the enlarged
lymph node that was viewed on ultrasound, the day prior to surgery. If I did
not respect and trust this cancer surgeon, as I do, I would most likely be
pursuing a formal complaint, at the very least. On a positive note, the
additional two nodes he removed were “clear”. This does give me some sense of solace
that the cancer did not take up residency in neighboring lymph nodes. Still
reeling from the news that the surgeon removed two additional lymph nodes,
without permission, I contacted a few friends to let them know I received my
pathology results. What followed were several questions about what the doctor’s
treatment recommendations were and/or the meaning of the pathology results. It
was too much and it really hurt me – regardless of pathology, I am not following
recommendations of western practitioners – in large part. My treatment is
centered on the natural practices of Ayurveda – the ancient medical system of
India.
Knowing those around me are concerned about my health and
want the best for me, is deeply meaningful and touching. I know that all y’all love
me – I can feel it! While I was in Texas, I met with my Ayurvedic Practitioner
and have adjusted my treatment. The daily regiment I follow takes dedication, consistency,
planning, and time; it is extensive. I have been back in Oregon for six days
now, and have been adhering to my regiment (as available). I am recovering from
surgery and getting stronger each day. The additional items needed to fully
implement my adjusted treatment, have arrived – so here I go! I have another
week to recover before I launch back into my graduate studies, completing the semester
strong.
The highlight of my day was a visit from my mom. She brought
the boys dinner along with some delicious goodies. We chatted for a few hours
and covered a great deal of topics. It is beautiful that my mom is incredibly
supportive of my treatment choices and decisions. She has never questioned why
I am or am not engaging in any particular treatment. It feels good.
I am
grateful for all the support and love that surrounds me – even when I get
frustrated or hurt by too many questions. I know I am loved by friends and family.
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Today, I am hopeful~