I am forced back into reality as I acknowledge that I am neglecting to take every measure necessary to bring my body into balance. I am frustrated and disappointed with my choices, so much so, I embraced my crying person status. The choice should be simplistic yet I struggle? Why is this? In a moment of distress I speak aloud to myself “seriously Christina do you want a cookie or do you want to live … it is that simple!” The knowledge is at my fingertips and yet I quite skillfully obfuscate this newly acquired knowledge with convoluted justifications. Classic – I shall eat this ice cream, after all it is about quality of life. Yet by condoning this action, I am defeating my goal of bringing my body back into balance. It should be an easy choice … do not eat the “no no foods”. Feeling defeated, I tearfully spoke with Curtis as I expressed my deep sadness as I searched for an answer as to why cutting out sweet sugary yummy food was increasingly challenging. The one thing that cancer and I agree on ... WE LOVE SUGAR! I then voiced that cancer is no fun!
~ Desperate to turn things around I quickly declared that I am choosing to live in the present, with determination, I will nourish my body with the proper foods; this will allow my body to continue to heal itself.
Realty check number two. With excitement my dear friend Leslie speaks often of her upcoming birthday; 11/11/11! She is an incredible inspiration and support person in my life. Cleverly, I contacted a close friend of hers in order to organize a birthday surprise, a girl’s luncheon only to come to the realization that physically, I am not able to bring the surprise to fruition. I am devastated. I must face the unpleasant reality that has become my new life, my energy levels continue to be weak and my immune system is working overtime. Once again, I became a crying person. All I wanted to do was to create a forever moment for Leslie, for her to know how much I love her and cherish our friendship. What I realized is that she already knows this and together we create forever moments each time we speak.
Recently I reconnected with a classmate from junior high school; we did not share the same circle of friends. I sensed this individual was caught off guard by the FaceBook friend request I sent, in fact, I believe the response was do you remember me? What proceeded was an exchange of emails where this individual wrote I am not the same angry hateful person I was when I was a kid. I thanked this individual for sharing noting we were kids a very long time ago...it's all good. This individual, whose name I did not want to openly disclose without their approval, is a beautiful person; I knew it back in junior high school. You see, we all have a story that explains the why behind behavior; I choose to see the good in people and easily see beyond tough exteriors. Frequently, it is the kids that present as tough and hard that have the softest hearts, I understand this as I often presented as a tough girl. I was spot-on about the soft heart of my former classmate. I am witnessing an extension of this individual’s kindness; I am deeply touched and amazed. Thank you to my former RA Brown Jr. High classmate who today I call friend.
There is so much beauty in my life that I would have never experienced if not for this cancer diagnosis. Life is good. Life in Oregon is fabulous. I am happy to be back home in Oregon.
Today, I am hopeful~