Well as it goes, I continue to work on finding a balance between living a fulfilled life with adequate pain medication on board – this is not an easy task. Of course with the use of pain medication comes bowel issues. If you have been keeping up with my Blog entries, you will appreciate, my desire to never return to near bowl obstruction land ever again! I have been faithfully taking my Senna prescription – 12 pills per day and drinking my SmoothMove tea. I too have embraced the side effects of Senna; for example, I have what I call the walking grandma swirl that booty fart generator going. That’s right, it does not matter where I am, if I am walking and need to release gas from my body, I turn that swirl that boot fart generator on straight-away! I was walking with Curtis’ cousin Courtney during a recent shopping trip – oh I had to let her in on what was going on with my body; at every turn, my body is becoming quite the traveling carnival of sorts. As I began to tell her about what was going on, the generator started to fire up and there was no stopping it. Here we go… with shopping buggy in hand, I swiftly turned the the buggy the other direction as I was frantically waving Courtney to come my way. Secretly I was willing her to follow me without asking questions. Nestled safely at the end of an aisle, I explained the new medical development of fun in my life. Her and I were laughing so hard in the middle of the store. This only promoted additional movement in my bowels; which is a good thing although a bit problematic. Her and I went flying through the store to find the restrooms – yep, they were locate at the opposite end of the store. When I finally located the restrooms, got settled down on the toilet, I went to raise my legs and feet – but there was no squatty potty. WHAT no Squatty Pooty - how is this going to work? Despite not having the proper accoutrements to release one bowels, as I like to say, I was successfully able to do so.
It is quite delightful and wonderful that hospice comes to your home, there is no waiting in line with individuals coughing all over you, doctors running late, or nurses wanting to take your weight! My RN and I talked extensively about pain management and how to mitigate the pain. For example, I am running at a 9/10 right now, which if pretty high especially with all the medications I am currently taking. I have allergies to several typical pain medications, leaving us with Morphine as the best choice. We talked about adding another medication traditionally used to treat anxiety called Ativan to the mix in order to boost the effects of Morphine – the end goal find comfort. I am an anxious person by nature and have taken Ativan previously and thought it was okay to try it again– what is that saying: kill two birds with one stone. I was agreeable and added Ativan to the mix. No sooner did I get used to the possibility of the Ativan, when the RN mentioned Methadone. Well, that me stopped in my tracks. As a clinical mental health counselor, I am aware that methadone in given to those trying to get off of heroin – well, I am not a heroin addict. Although I understand the medication has multiple uses, I needed to process this addition a bit more. I asked if I did start taking methadone, does that mean we are going to be able to reduce down the morphine? The RN looked deep into my eyes, paused, and then said so tenderly, at this juncture we do not typically remove medication, we add. And there it was…I had forgot, I am on hospice. I am on hospice because the collective “they” believe I will die within 6-months’ time – I have been on hospice for nearly 1 month now. That conversation was pretty humbling. I am still processing and thinking about the methadone. Thinking about the fact that I am 45yrs old and on hospice. I am processing…… and it hurts.
The one medication that I did add was the Ativan. Now it is difficult to tell which medication is contributing to this piece of the carnival I have going on, nevertheless, it does add unending moments of levity as you see, I nod off a lot during the day while resting, while in bed, or riding in the car. The beach car ride was littered with such shows. Curtis and I were able to sneak away to the beach for the day this week; It was beautiful. We went to Cape Perpetua, we married there back in 2004. Cape Perpetua is the highest peak on the Oregon Coast. Curtis and I stood there overlooking the majestic ocean coast line, it reminded me of how quickly our love developed – we were meant to be together, and we both knew it. Everything we had been searching for all our lives, we found in each other and more importantly we had awakened the better version of ourselves. It was not that he completed me or that I completed him but rather, it was that this person knew how to pour into the very essence of who the other was, thus making us better more whole people. It was quite magical; at that moment, I knew I had found my soul mate, my partner in life, the person who would chose to love me, quirks and all. There we stood, I watched him looking around and taking in the beauty. As I watched him I experienced his joy and I too experienced his sadness. For if my life is to be ending, Cutis believes a piece of him will have has slipped away. But this this not true my darling Curtis – you will continue to live a joyful life, you see, you will allow me to continue to live on through you. Our hopes and dreams shall not fade; we will continue to make these come true. Our quest to find internal peace, to be grounded, and to become a better versions of ourselves each day. Yes, this is what lay ahead. We shall do this together whether I am here in my physical body or not.
Back to my “shows” as Curtis calls them. When I am in a dream like state I speak aloud often and traveling home from the beach I did not disappoint. It was quite riveting; I was a bride’s maid in a wedding with people I did not know. I was in this big room getting my hair and make-up done. The thing is…the make-up was cake fondant that had been prepared for each bridesmaid – they were laying it over our faces and somehow making it stick. Seriously WTF?!?!?!!?!?!?! Um yep, it was extremely strange. The next dream included my husband making a snack for himself in a large ramekin and then he squirted a whole bunch of mustard on the side. When I asked what that was for, he said for Junior, our dog. Wait, what, he wants our white dog to start eating mustard… weird on many levels. I forced myself to wake up – or perhaps it was the laughter that awoke me. Nevertheless, it was hilarious!
Many have asked how they can help our family. One of the easiest most helpful ways is to send gift cards to stores such as: Safeway, McDonalds, Subway, or Panda Express and mail to either my home address or to PO Box 192 Philomath, Oregon 97370. The gift cards make it easy for the kids to go grab a quick bite or pick-up groceries for the family.
Thank you to everyone that continues to pray, send healing thoughts, and positive energy our direction. Although I am unable to respond to every email, text, phone message, FB message etc. please know that I am reading and listening to each one and appreciate the continued support. I really enjoy opening the mail box to find up lifting letters, I thank you all for these words that are enormous gifts to my heart and soul.
Today, I am hopeful~