July 7, 2013, quietly come and went, marking the two-year
anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. Today, I am doing well, feeling great on
most days, and glance in my rear-view mirror less frequently. As I reflect over
the past six months, I am reminded of several challenges and giggle slightly –
let me explain.
Several months ago, I was experiencing frequent and painful headaches
along with being increasingly focus challenged. I was terrified that I was developing
brain cancer – statistically, this is the next stopping place for triple
negative breast cancer (TNBC). I was not sleeping; my mind was carrying my
thoughts to a lonely, fearful, and irrational place. Filled with fear and
concern, I made an appointment with my oncology nurse practitioner. Walking
through the doors of clinic, I was resigned to the idea that I would need a brain
scan to locate the brain tumors, despite my concrete objection to scans. I sat nervously
in the exam room waiting for Christy Lee, NP to make her entrance; she bounced
cheerfully through the open door greeting me with “how are you doing?” I must
have paused a little too long… she sat down, pulled out a pen, and a paper
towel to write on while remarking, “I know you are not a fan of seeing us, what’s
up?” I proceeded to frantically rattle off all of my concerning symptoms –
forgetting to breathe and feeling faint as I was sweating uncontrollably. To
say that I was a hot mess is a gross understatement! Christy Lee tried to rein
me in as we processed one symptom at a time. In-between my symptom exploration,
I had a light-bulb moment. I took a deep breath and said, “I know what is going
on and it has nothing to do with cancer”. The symptoms all pointed to my ADD,
which left untreated, rapidly elevates anxiety. Christy Lee continued to
reassure me there was no evidence of brain cancer however; she would complete a
series of interactive movement tests to confirm. Nearing the end of the
testing, I was to track her moving finger with my eyes, reach out, and touch my
finger to hers when the movement stopped. After a couple finger touches, I
reached out and missed her finger, she gasped! I laughed and said, “I am just
kidding!” We both laughed; we needed a moment of levity. SO, there is no suspicion
of a brain tumor.
Then there is Auntie Flow whom is overstaying her welcome –
18, 21, and 32 days at a time. Ironically, September – December 2011, while in
the throes of a chemo-induced menopause, riddled with hot flashes and ridiculous
night sweats, I longed to have Auntie back in my life to signal my body was
coming back into balance. Now, I just want her to leave me alone! Crazy, frequent,
chunky, and lengthy, is an accurate description of my experience during Auntie’s
multiple visits. I was thinking, what the hell …. Really?!?! It looked and felt
like I was delivering multiple beta fish every time I stood up. During these
visits, I welcomed varying sizes of maxi-pads back into my life, my boys forced
to do emergency maxi-pad store runs, along with an impromptu grocery isle celebration
when I discovered the BIGGEST night night pads – whoop whoop! My Ayurvedic
Practitioner, Sharon Kapp adjusted my daily herbal regiment. My Acupuncturist,
Mandi Schwendiman provided TCM treatments to address Auntie’s extended stay. My
GYN sent me for blood work and an invasive internal ultrasound. I did my
research on how to get Auntie to vacate and ordered two essential oils from
Young Living, Geranium and EndoFlex. Today, all signs point toward Aunties departure
and/or reduction in length of stays. 
I love the way the universe/higher-power/God provides opportunities
of support and enrichment when we need it the most. During my challenges, I experienced
support and encouragement from not only my treatment team but also my family
and chance encounters. My sister-in-law Athena was supportive and offered words
of encouragement including urging me to embrace Auntie’s visits. I found myself
sitting upon my throne, talking to Auntie Flow and asking her questions – such
as what are you trying to tell me? Why will you not leave? What am I missing? While
waiting for my ultrasound, a frail and soft-spoken woman, using a walker, made
her way into the waiting room. The young woman walking with her excused herself
to grab a cup of coffee. I let the young woman know that if her mother needed
anything, I would help her out. The young woman remarked that her mom was stubborn
and would not ask for help. After the daughter left, I struck up a conversation
with the frail woman. I told her that I too was stubborn. We exchanged our
reasons for our visits. She has been battling cancer for a while and now
suffers with spine and neck pain due to the cancer metastasizing in her spine
and limiting motion in her neck. She told me that she had exhausted her
treatment options and accepted her life may be ending, “it is no longer in my control.”
I shared my diagnosis and alternative treatment philosophy along with Auntie’s
prolonged visit. The woman told me not to worry about Auntie; it was simply my
body’s way of cleansing itself. I agreed.
I recently participated in an unfamiliar alternative modality
with a new practitioner. The experience was interesting and revealing, not from
the modality perspective, but rather my interactions with the practitioner. It
was clear that the practitioner required empirical and scientific validation
that her treatments were effective. Among other things, she asked when I was
getting my next scan. I asked why. She wanted a way to scientifically prove she
was an effective provider. I explained to her that I do not believe in scans however,
I do monitor my blood work every three months. I went on to let her know that I
am doing well and that I did not need anyone to tell me that I am okay…I know
that I am okay. I did not need scientific proof, she did. That is it … I KNOW I
AM OKAY!
July 2011 – When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was
completing my undergraduate degree, had been accepted into the University of
Houston: Graduate School of Social Work, and was working on an exciting project
with Arrow, a Foster Care agency in Houston, Texas.
July 2013 – I am entering year two of working with The
Children’s Farm Home as a skills trainer with the Intensive Community Treatment
Services program, accepted into George Fox University: Clinical Mental Health
Counseling program that begins in September 2013, and am in the process of developing
a program that will provide support to underserved youth. I feel like I am back
on track, more grounded, and better prepared to continue my work serving
children and families.
I am excited about my future! I am eternally blessed to have
my husband Curtis supporting, loving, and encouraging me each day. I am
watching my boys grow into responsible young men. I am beyond thrilled to be
starting graduate school in September. I am hopeful and dreaming big as I
continue to develop my program to support underserved youth. Life is good.
Today, I am hopeful~