Tuesday embodied numerous emotions, experiences, and reflections,
leading to clarity that revealed itself with profound clearness. The day flowed
with tears, laughter, friendship, forgiveness, cleansing tears, self-compassion,
a punch to the face, pounding blows, awareness, trust, connection, and ended
with peace.
How freeing it is, to speak my truth without reservation, to
choose to be vulnerable. I sit upon my sofa. I hear the sounds of Tibetan
singing bowls, the vibrations calming my soul. The sun shines bright in the
cool fresh air. The breeze dances through my hair; I breathe in the fresh
spring air – awe, I am grounded, connected, at peace. I gaze into the empathic
eyes of my attuned friend Mollie. I laugh. I cry. I do so without hesitation –
it is safe, absent of judgment. The timing is perfection – I learned my tumor
marker numbers have increased over the past six weeks, one nearly doubling. I am
not surprised…yet I am. It is unsettling to see tumor marker numbers rise. I allow
my emotions to come forward, move through me, and to share these once tightly
held thoughts and emotions. I process my choices, landing on – Am I going to
trust that I will intuitively make the right decision for myself.
As I drive, I am meditating as I listen to healing sounds.
The word forgiveness gently enters my thoughts. Traditionally I am quite
rebuffed by the word “forgiveness” as my experience reveals it is an over and
miss used word. Yet in this moment, I embrace the word… Forgiveness – I have an
awareness; the way one finds healing is through forgiveness. Over the next hour,
I am taken to a still place of peace as I offer forgiveness to individuals
whose words or actions have wounded, hurt, cheated, or silenced me. I first
speak forgiveness; I then release them from my judgment and expectation as I
accept and love them as they are. I speak forgiveness to myself – for falling
short; I then release myself from judgment and expectation. I accept myself, as
I am, perfectly imperfect. I am lead to speak my desires into the universe, to
the divine, to my higher power. I ask that I find healing, from all disease
within my body, now, in this lifetime. Asking to continue my current journey of
understanding, compassion, acceptance, as I allow my light to shine bright –
bringing connection and hope to all I encounter. I speak, if there is another
way to learn this lesson, I am open and willing. At the conclusion, I am
peaceful.
The sun shines brightly on this spring day as I walk along
the riverfront with a client; I am initially met with cooperation then a
physical expression of inner emotions. I felt a closed fist make contact with
my face, the blow is striking and unexpected. I am stunned. I immediately assume
the protective blocking position, and experience multiple blows to my forearm
and legs. I am aware that time seems to slow – yet I too am struck by response
to the attack. I did not instinctively fight back, something I often wondered
about. Rather, I assumed the blocking position. As each blow made
contact with my forearm, my self-talk was saying – see you knew what to do and instinctively
acted – trust yourself, you know what to do. Following the events, I walked
back to my car – my head was throbbing. I was not sure what I was going to see
when I looked in the mirror. Amazingly, the physical pain did not match my appearance;
aloud I remarked, “Well isn’t that interesting!” I smiled. I called my husband
to let him know what happened and he offered to come pick me up. I gently
reminded him that I had school and needed to get going. I hear him nervously
laugh followed by “after all that you are going to go to school?” My response
was, of course I am going to school. He then said, “Okay babe. Enjoy your
class. Love you!” Off to class I drove.
As I drove, I was recounting the events of the day. I kept
thinking that surely there would be a point at which I would breakdown crying…you
know, lose it! After all, I discovered my tumor markers were elevated, had an
emotional conversation about the cancer returning and the decisions needing
attention, the cathartic forgiveness exercise, and the physical attack. I was
not breaking down. I felt as though my equilibrium was off a bit – which makes
sense considering my “bell was just rang!” I was not angry. I was not tearful. I
was simply roll’n with it. I laughed, recounted how my positive self-talk was occurring
as blows were being delivered. After all, it was “just another day in the life
of …me”
In class, the lecture was about spirituality. As the end of
class approached, the professor concluded his lecture – the PowerPoint slide,
noting the next talking point, appeared on the screen: FORGIVENESS. I smiled –
of course; the word forgiveness appears on the screen. As I drove home, I continued
to reflect on the events that occurred. As I let out an extended exhale, I
exclaimed out-loud, “oh my gosh, that’s it! Earlier in the day, I was
struggling to trust myself to make treatment choices. This was followed by yet
another situation, that I had questioned for years – if I were to be attacked
by a client, would I instinctively fight back or would I respond with what I know and was trained
to do…block the blows. Trust. It was about trusting myself. When faced with a
situation, in which a decision must be made, trust that I will respond accordingly.
“The Attack”, was symbolic – with a literal smack upside the head – Yes,
Christina, trust yourself. You know exactly what to do! Awe…yes, I do know what
to do.
Tuesday was a powerful and impacting day; it was actually
quite amazing! I am embracing each experience with open arms and a positive
outlook.
Today, I am hopeful.
Please consider donating money to support travel expenses, surgical procedures, and medical expenses: Capture Courage Fundraiser