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April 20, 2014

Weighing heavy on my mind

An attempted Emotional Hijacking, this best describes a recent interaction. It is part and parcel with the "always, never-ever" crew. It is when I find myself most fragile and vulnerable, that I am met with these forceful, condemning, and all or nothing words. 

You always do this...
You never-ever do that...
We have never...
You have never...
You always say...

I become the steam that screeches from the pressure-cooker. I then catch my breath, reminding myself that no one has the power to make me feel an emotion; this is my choice. With confident opposition, I launch my verbal defense, in a barking fashion. I choose how to respond, it has nothing to do with you; right now, I am choosing to be pissed off but really I am hurt. 

Words are a powerful weapon and are equally a safe haven. We must not become complacent, thoughtless, self-indulgent, or reckless with our words. Whomever coined the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me", they were sorely misguided. Words do hurt; they have the power to break, cut, and stifle.

Restless and unable to sleep, the time reads 2:02 am. I am exhausted- emotionally and physically. I want to sleep, yet I am recounting the venom escaping the lips of the always never-ever crew. I consider the attempted emotional hijacking as I retreat into thought. Was this a not so clever way to jockey for unmet wants? Perhaps this behavior is a deep-seated pattern. Was this an attempt to apply guilt? Is it more comfortable to be angry then to express fear and uncertainty?  I believe in large part it is the later- with a twist of the others. I suppose, in the moment, it may appear easier to be angry with someone who is leaving you. If you are resting in the emotion of anger, it is tough to expose the fear, disappointment, and hurt. Eventually though, the anger will cease to serve you and the hidden emotions will rise. 

Words hurt. I am fragile. I am vulnerable. And now, I am wounded by words. 

This lifetime moves quickly, and for some, the end time grows near. Live each moment as though it were your last. Extend forgiveness freely. Look beyond your discomfort to embrace the good that surrounds you. Do not take yourself too serious. Love big. 

How does one recover and heal from wounds such as these? Through the love, gentleness, and compassion of others. I experienced this today as laughter was shared between my parents, brothers, sister-in-laws, and I. There were several one-on-one side conversations that evoked tear filled eyes, loving embraces, and encouragement. This brings peace and comfort during uncertain times. 






Today, I am hopeful~