|Texas Morse Family|
|First Class food|
|Leslie & Christina|
|Pablo, Christina, & Quentin|
Saturday morning I was poised to begin taking a combination of two supplements, setting the intention that these, in part, would help bring my body back into balance and become healthy again. I am counting on these, I would think to myself – this literally is a life or death situation and I am not ready to leave this earth as my work is not done. As I counted out the supplements, there it was laid out before me; 26 capsules to be consumed daily; three times on an empty stomach and two times with food. The shear amount of large capsules overwhelmed me, as did the timing schedule. I began to set alarms on my phone reminding of ingestion time – I was getting frustrated now. Swallowing up to six capsules in one setting…they were getting stuck in my throat and it hurt. I began cursing these supplements. My words in general were themed negative. “How the fuck am I going to take all these fucking pills every day” another one being “I can’t believe I have been wearing these stupid panties inside out all day”. By evening time, my stomach was upset, I felt so weak in my mind, and I finally broke.
I was so sad.
I was so negative.
I was feeling frustrated.
I was searching for my purpose.
I was feeling broken, not wounded, but broken.
I was rapidly processing as Curtis sat and listened. I must have a looked a mess, perhaps he was thinking about how long this emotional event would go on. I wondered if he was becoming tired of me being sick. I mean, were we all just ready for this to be over? As I processed what was happening in my head, it felt good to let it out – unlock the inner secrets I keep to myself. I was pleading with myself to get my mind right – I was disappointed that I was struggling. The truth is, I know what I need to do – it is the doing that is often times the most challenging of tasks and I do not have time on my side, I have to quickly make adjustments as awareness presents. And so I did.
Saturday night was the beginning. I started to bless my handful of supplements prior to taking them; I reminded myself gently of the power of gratitude. I put out into the universe to my high power to provide a sense of my purpose. In reality, my purpose has not changed; it is just coming in different forms, looks a bit different from what I imagined. Within hours of my pleads, I received a message from a friend asking me if her daughters 6th grade class could write to me. Then 48 hours later, I received a call from a friend sharing that she was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Absent my realization, emotional release, and processing with Curtis on Saturday night, I would not have been able to respond to either situation – but I was able to because I made the choice to sit in gratitude and get back to that peaceful place.
|Christina & Vicki at the Beach|
I forgot to mention in mention that I was able to graduate from my baby toothbrush and tooth paste, back to my big girl brush! I too am able to drive a bit, which is nice – reclaiming my life. It is about the small steps sometimes.
I never went to my PET/CT scan and I cancelled my oncology appointment too. I was planning to ask the oncologist is he was willing to make the six month call in writing so I could proceed with the paperwork to exercise death with dignity. I want to have access to the medication, if the time comes – I do not want to suffer. So why did I cancel, well, I am not ready to officially hear or see this is writing. I am not claiming the life ending diagnosis but I do want to be prepared if things start to shift again – which the doctor says will most certainly happen. This is a strange space to be in – like a holding pattern of sorts, but with my life. None of this is easy. I have body aches, fatigue, nausea, hot flashes, night sweats – it is a challenge to get out of bed each day. Most recently, I have been experiencing constant low grade head pain/pressure making it difficult to read, watch TV, and write. There is some fear that comes from this – I had a friend that passed away of TNBC after she had completed all her treatments, the cancer went to her brain and spine – she passed about 9 months after her diagnosis. I try to push any thought of this happening to me away – but it is not easy.
Someone recently asked me "how I do this,” keep positive and hopeful, this was my response:
How do I do it? Hmmm, I just do. It's tough sometimes, especially this latest event where I thought I was going to die. It's strange knowing doctors say that death awaits me in the near future. I just decided not to claim that diagnosis for myself; instead I am committed to getting well and bringing my body into balance. To be doing or thinking thoughts that don't serve me well, would make things so much worse. It's not worth it. Our minds are a powerful tool so keeping positive can only help- even in our darkest hours. Keep hopeful!
There are many things that are out of our control – but what we do have the power to do, is too forever remain hopeful in order to walk these difficult journeys authentically, triumphantly, and with grace.
Please consider supporting our online fundraising efforts - additional Ways to Help are located on the home page of the blog, on the top right side.
Fundraising Link: http://www.gofundme.com/christinagarrett
Today, I am hopeful~