Time Escapes Me

Texas Morse Family

 It seems so long ago that I traveled to Texas, yet it was merely nine days ago since my return. Time escapes me; days grow long and slow yet seem to travel fast – a complete contradiction, absolutely. It is difficult to explain – that is a theme these days. My mind unable to find the words to portray the essence of what is occurring neither in my mind nor in my body. I long to register the poetry of what is occurring – one would have to live it to understand it I suppose.

First Class food

Leslie & Christina 

My trip to Texas was widely successful. Thanks to Darrin & Deborah Poole, my traveling companion/caretaker/friend Leslie and I traveled first class; I am quite sure I have been ruined forever – first class travel is the only way to go! During my travels, I was able to connect with my Ayurvedic practitioner, a few Texas friends, two of my sons, one grandbaby, and spend time with my family. There are several very hilarious stories that I would like to share – but I fear Leslie would never speak to me again – we laughed endlessly. There were tears shed too – part of roll’n with me these days. 

Pablo, Christina, & Quentin

Unknown! LOL

There was the big question between my niece Karlie and I of what species of bird we were looking at! We actually turned the truck around to take a second look. The trip provided the much need physical and mental jumpstart I needed to return home, although I did not fully realize this until the night after returning home.

 When I began accepting chemotherapy treatments, it was August 6, 2015. I did two cycles of treatments for a total of six chemotherapy infusions – the schedule was weekly for three weeks, take one week off and then repeat. Although I was virtually housebound during this two-month adventure – I thought after stopping the infusions, I would begin to regain strength, body aches would subside, and fatigue lesson. This was not the case. The cumulative effect of the treatment brought me to my knees – I thought my time on this earth was about to end. But it did not. I am grateful. This brings me back to the realization I unearthed the night after returning home from Texas.

Saturday morning I was poised to begin taking a combination of two supplements, setting the intention that these, in part, would help bring my body back into balance and become healthy again. I am counting on these, I would think to myself – this literally is a life or death situation and I am not ready to leave this earth as my work is not done. As I counted out the supplements, there it was laid out before me; 26 capsules to be consumed daily; three times on an empty stomach and two times with food. The shear amount of large capsules overwhelmed me, as did the timing schedule. I began to set alarms on my phone reminding of ingestion time – I was getting frustrated now. Swallowing up to six capsules in one setting…they were getting stuck in my throat and it hurt. I began cursing these supplements. My words in general were themed negative. “How the fuck am I going to take all these fucking pills every day” another one being “I can’t believe I have been wearing these stupid panties inside out all day”. By evening time, my stomach was upset, I felt so weak in my mind, and I finally broke. 

Sharon Kapp

I began tearfully recounting all the thoughts I was having, to Curtis, and how frustrated I was at not only this process but also myself. I mean, here I am asking these supplements to heal my body yet cursing them before ingesting– yep, not the best choice. I cried from the deepest part of my heart that I worked so hard to get through graduate school, I am a therapist, but unable to practice. I cried that I no longer knew what my purpose was. I cried at those dang panties being inside out all day! 
I was so sad. 
I was so negative. 
I was feeling frustrated. 
I was searching for my purpose. 
I was feeling broken, not wounded, but broken. 

I was rapidly processing as Curtis sat and listened. I must have a looked a mess, perhaps he was thinking about how long this emotional event would go on. I wondered if he was becoming tired of me being sick. I mean, were we all just ready for this to be over? As I processed what was happening in my head, it felt good to let it out – unlock the inner secrets I keep to myself. I was pleading with myself to get my mind right – I was disappointed that I was struggling. The truth is, I know what I need to do – it is the doing that is often times the most challenging of tasks and I do not have time on my side, I have to quickly make adjustments as awareness presents. And so I did.

Saturday night was the beginning. I started to bless my handful of supplements prior to taking them; I reminded myself gently of the power of gratitude. I put out into the universe to my high power to provide a sense of my purpose. In reality, my purpose has not changed; it is just coming in different forms, looks a bit different from what I imagined. Within hours of my pleads, I received a message from a friend asking me if her daughters 6^th grade class could write to me. Then 48 hours later, I received a call from a friend sharing that she was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Absent my realization, emotional release, and processing with Curtis on Saturday night, I would not have been able to respond to either situation – but I was able to because I made the choice to sit in gratitude and get back to that peaceful place. 

Christina & Vicki at the Beach

I knew I needed to get to the beach as well – put my feet in the sand and get grounded. My good friend Vicki and I headed over to the coast for a day trip this past week and it was amazing. I shared with Vicki all the dark thoughts – she listened empathically no problem solving, just listening. We walked on the beach and it was just perfect; everything was as it should be. My beloved Grandpa LeGall showed-up with his symbolic China hat shells – I found four, this is how I know he is with me from the other side. I am quite sure he is my lead guardian angel. As Vicki and I walked, it was just us on the beach. We sat quietly in the sand at one point, my body telling me that I had way over done it, as we prepared to turn around and head back to the car. Listening to the waves – enjoying the majestic ocean this is where I feel spiritually fed. Did I mention it was perfect? I am feeling as though I am mentally and physically (slowly) getting back on track. Regardless of what my body does, I know it is essential to keep my mind in a good space, so I will.

I forgot to mention in mention that I was able to graduate from my baby toothbrush and tooth paste, back to my big girl brush! I too am able to drive a bit, which is nice – reclaiming my life. It is about the small steps sometimes. 

I never went to my PET/CT scan and I cancelled my oncology appointment too. I was planning to ask the oncologist is he was willing to make the six month call in writing so I could proceed with the paperwork to exercise death with dignity. I want to have access to the medication, if the time comes – I do not want to suffer. So why did I cancel, well, I am not ready to officially hear or see this is writing. I am not claiming the life ending diagnosis but I do want to be prepared if things start to shift again – which the doctor says will most certainly happen. This is a strange space to be in – like a holding pattern of sorts, but with my life. None of this is easy. I have body aches, fatigue, nausea, hot flashes, night sweats – it is a challenge to get out of bed each day. Most recently, I have been experiencing constant low grade head pain/pressure making it difficult to read, watch TV, and write. There is some fear that comes from this – I had a friend that passed away of TNBC after she had completed all her treatments, the cancer went to her brain and spine – she passed about 9 months after her diagnosis. I try to push any thought of this happening to me away – but it is not easy. 

Someone recently asked me "how I do this,” keep positive and hopeful, this was my response:

How do I do it? Hmmm, I just do. It's tough sometimes, especially this latest event where I thought I was going to die. It's strange knowing doctors say that death awaits me in the near future. I just decided not to claim that diagnosis for myself; instead I am committed to getting well and bringing my body into balance. To be doing or thinking thoughts that don't serve me well, would make things so much worse. It's not worth it. Our minds are a powerful tool so keeping positive can only help- even in our darkest hours. Keep hopeful!

There are many things that are out of our control – but what we do have the power to do, is too forever remain hopeful in order to walk these difficult journeys authentically, triumphantly, and with grace.

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Today, I am hopeful~