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August 3, 2011

Officially overwhelmed…

My capacity to balance effectively the string of “not so good news” with positive thoughts and optimism has far surpassed it bounds.  I am on day number three of an emotionally draining and thought provoking mood; I have begun to ask why.  Last night as I sobbed uncontrollably, I expressed to my husband that I was pissed…this triple negative breast cancer, TNBC makes absolutely no sense!  Cancer is a humiliating and unusually cruel creature – I must choose to pump poison through my veins; I do not know if the poison will kill any residual cancer cells.  What I do know is that the good healthy cells will be annihilated.  My hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes will crumble due to the toxic poison, and finally I must have body parts chopped off.  Why?  Why is this happening; I am 5’3 124 pounds, exercise regularly, and eat healthy [pesco-vegetarian].  I would not wish this disease on my least favorite individual in this world.  The cruelty is multi-pronged; primarily, in this moment, my thoughts focus on the ways in which cancer will change the intimacy between my husband and me. 

My husband would love, adore, and declare me to be the most beautiful woman no matter how many body parts are missing; I know this to be true without question.  His support and love is unending.  He is patient, comforting, encouraging, loving, and supportive.  He always tells me “you are doing a great job babe!”  He sits with me when I erupt into unbridled raw emotion.  When I awake at night and cannot sleep, I reach to hold his hand and he gently squeezes back.  He sees my pain and my fears.  Words are not necessary for him to know my heart; he looks into my eyes and somehow he just knows.     

I believe that nothing happens by accident.  One of my sons just collected the mail and I received two packages and letter.  Prior to moving to Texas, Curtis and I lived across the street from the best neighbors ever, a retired couple, Dick and Bobbie Barnhouse.  They sent me two b-dazzled baseball caps to wear once my hair falls out.  This made me smile.  The next package was from my little brother Sammy (Sam).  Knowing I was more distressed about losing my eyebrows then losing my hair, he found an online company that sells 100% human hair stick-on eyebrows!  Yep, you guessed it; I just peeked at the new eyebrows.  This made me giggle.  The card was from a dear friend offering words of encouragement and reminded me of how strong and positive I am.  She gently reminds me that I am not alone in this journey.  This made me tear-up.  This is the beauty beyond the cancer that I always write about!

It is okay, that at times, I have reached the capacity to cope and become overwhelmed.  TNBC is overwhelming!  I may need to heed my words – “I would be a concerned if you were not a bit overwhelmed at times!”  LOL!  Cancer sucks, oh yes it does.  However, what is so incredibly beautiful is that with the support of those who love me, I am free to grieve that I have cancer.  This is okay, it is perfectly normal and expected.  I AM officially overwhelmed yet I move through this in order to acknowledge; today, I am hopeful.