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August 1, 2011

The weirdo trifecta...

Today feels uncomfortable, but not in the traditional way, one would envision discomfort.  I did not sleep well last evening and when I finally dosed-off around 4:00 am I continuously awoke myself as I kept talking in my sleep.  My mood is unexpected, eccentric at times, and disquieting; a weirdo trifecta I would rather not revisit.  To express it in the most simplistic and perhaps irreverent terms – physically I feel good with only slight discomfort from the surgery [AKA quarter breast chop chop] and insertion of the porta-catheter.  Yet, I am in this chemotherapy countdown mode, the day I willingly inject poison into my body.  I understand and am aware that something really bad and ugly is about to happen, each day brings me closer to this dreadful place I would rather run away from.  Awe yes, THIS is the not so pretty side of triple negative breast cancer!

I choose not to linger too long in the weirdo trifecta, as this is a temporary stopping point not a chosen destination.  My belief system includes the ideology that nothing happens by accident.  A dear friend called just at the right moment and we laughed together, solved the problems of the world, expressed our mutual appreciation for our friendship, and spoke of many outrageous ideas bringing us to unbridled laughter.  A sweet text message from one of my son’s former girlfriends touched my heart.  Ironically, my phone just alerted me that a text message awaits me … it reads, “When my sister came back from chemo, she always felt like shit!”  LOL!!!  My response “awesome, great news, LOL” Oh dear … that is the way it is folks; the good, the bad, and the ugly side of cancer.  I find that having a good sense of humor even through these difficult times, keeps me laughing, positive, and reminds me to look beyond the cancer to see the beauty that is blooming around me.  Today, I am hopeful.